I’m so sorry that your husband has been looking at porn, but at the same time it is a little exciting for me if your husband wants to change and I know God wants to work on your heart too. My husband’s porn struggle made me feel exactly the way you probably feel. I actually talked to him via text messages at first, because I couldn’t handle real communication with him — wasn’t sure if I even wanted it anymore. But now that we’ve been through the fire I know that God had a lot of purpose in it. Without my pain and finding out … George would’ve never healed. Without his struggle with lust … my deep, deep, deep insecurities would’ve never been healed, I would’ve kept him as an idol in my life, and I’d never be the woman I am today.
Your pain is normal. Don’t ever feel the need to hide that or be a perfectionist about that. Don’t feel like you aren’t forgiving, or you’re a bad Christian, because you can’t feel forgiveness even if you grant it. And remember that this pain will last a long time and your healing will take a long time, even after he is fully recovered and changed. If he’s taking the right steps, I would take comfort in that even though it’s hard to believe him sometimes. Please don’t expect anything from yourself (or him). You are in a vulnerable stage where you have had your entire life ripped from under you. Porn really is betrayal and it’s going to hurt for awhile. Your husband cheated, period. You can’t expect yourself not to feel pain or to be perfectly normal around company, your husband, etc. Even with prayer those things will take time. Your heart is shattered and it’s going to take time for God to mend the pieces (with your help).
I wouldn’t try to hide your sadness or pain (even with company over), but I would put anger where it belongs. Far away from your life and marriage. Anger and bitterness does not belong here and it will only further damage your marriage. Anger is only a branch from the trunk of pain. Don’t follow those branches, just let your pain be your pain and keep away from anger. Really, really dig deeper into your relationship with God and these things will come easier. Look to Him when you would’ve normally looked to your husband for validation. And just envelope yourself in His love. He will pour His love into you and give you the strength to love your husband, in whatever way that is to be manifested right now.
Also, think about why this is hurting you so much. Think about your own life and insecurities. Obviously a huge part of our pain is because our husband’s cheat on us when they look at porn. Our marriage vows are broken. Our most special relationship is suddenly tainted and looks shockingly different to us than it did pre-porn when all the lies were still hidden. But you are in a good place, even though it hurts. You are at a place where the lies are exposed, and while they may hurt … this is the start of true healing, of a true, beautiful marriage without lies hiding behind the surface. What your marriage can be after all of this has passed is something you can’t even fathom right now, but it’s wonderful. You just have to be willing to fight for your husband, your marriage, and God. You’ve got to be willing to lay down your life when it hurts and share in the sufferings of Christ. It’s time to carry your cross, but you are not alone. He is with you. Just remember who the real offender is. The devil is the one who you should be mad at. He’s causing you this pain. He’s causing your husband this struggle with lust. He’s causing those porn stars their struggles for their lives and hearts. It’s all so sad.
But you can fight. You can fight with and for your husband. Don’t shut him out, even when it hurts. Talk to him, let him feel your pain. Your pain will help him see the seriousness of this sin. Your numbness may last for awhile, but don’t let that keep you from living. Write to God. Start a journal. And get all of the truth out there. Don’t let anyone read it right now, just let the depths of your heart pour onto the page. Talk to Him about your insecurities. Our husband’s issues with lust hurt us deeply because they hurt our marriage, but they also hurt us because we have insecurities planted there way before we were married. Talk to God about those insecurities. I was so deeply affected by George’s struggle with lust because I looked to him to feel beautiful. When I didn’t feel that way from him anymore … I wanted to find another man who would make me feel loved, valued, and beautiful. I wanted a man who would make me feel like enough. But God has taught me that I’m not going to find that fully in a man. George and I have come to a better place in our healing journey and I can honestly say that he loves me, values me, and thinks I’m beautiful. I understand the man’s struggle with lust better now, so I know that it’s not about me even when it doesn’t feel that way. And I know now that George thinks I am enough for him. He doesn’t compare me to other women, and I try not to compare myself either.
I should’ve never had expectations for him. I should’ve never expected him to make me feel a certain way. What a selfish view of marriage that is anyway, expecting something from someone instead of just loving without expecting something in return. But I did expect, and because of those expectations my pain was … unbearable. I wanted to die sometimes. I wanted him to leave me for another woman so I could find someone else. But thankfully God saved us from those horrible things and has restored our marriage, something He can do for you too. It’s possible, even though your pain will tell you the opposite right now. But don’t allow yourself to dwell on the negative. It’s been such a short time since you found out, it’s going to be the toughest time for you to focus on positive things, but try your hardest.
When your husband is tempted to lust you want him to look away, look to God. Well, when you are tempted to dwell on negative thoughts, self-centered thoughts, or thoughts of anger/bitterness/jealousy … look away, look to God. If you both do this and fight hand-in-hand … you will see changes. Don’t give up. Every man struggles with this to some degree, you are blessed to have a man willing to change and seek purity. It’s not easy for men. It’s just as hard for men to seek purity as it is for women to seek confidence in God with their beauty (inner and outer).
I believe this will be a beautiful time of healing for you and your husband. Just remember that healing doesn’t come without pain. In fact, healing may bring up pain you didn’t even know was there, at the most random times.
Look above. Focus on things that are lovely and pure. Remember that although it feels like your entire marriage is a lie … it’s not. And it may feel like your husband is the scum of the earth, but he’s not. You are going to feel a lot of things right now, but cling to the truth. Remember why you married this man and don’t give up on him when it gets tough. This is the for worse that comes after the for better. He’s not perfect, you’re not perfect, and now it’s time to love each other amidst your imperfections. That’s a beautiful love. A deeply rooted and committed love.
I believe you can get through this. Don’t give up. Keep fighting. Allow your pain to be real. Don’t hide it. And feel free to email me anytime if you don’t have someone to talk to. Please don’t hesitate to talk to me. I mean that. I get where you are coming from and I know that there is hope. I’m here to offer that hope to you if you need it, especially on those days that feel like the world is crumbling. And believe me, you’ll have many of those.
You are loved. Don’t ever forget it.
{ This was a letter I wrote to a hurting wife. }
