If you really truly love someone, how in your right mind could you be unfaithful to them? How can a man truly love a woman and break her heart to pieces?
Let me try to shed some light and hope into these swirling negative emotions you may be going through as a woman trying to heal from her husband’s betrayal.
First, remember that women see porn/lust as betrayal/unfaithfulness. God sees it as betrayal/unfaithfulness. Men don’t always see it that way—that’s why it’s so easy for them to lust, especially before you find out. They are trained to believe it’s all “fantasy.” It’s not reality, they don’t bring it into their reality, and they live in a culture where it’s normal for women to dress sexy/sensual and for men to lust in front of their wives/girlfriends.
But … it is possible for a husband to truly love his wife, yet be grasping for air in the quicksand of lust.
He married you — not a porn star, not a Victoria’s Secret model.
You.
He knows air-brushed models aren’t real. He should know that many porn stars are abused and faking their pleasure. It’s all fake, all fantasy, all created to make some money. It’s just how this culture is. It makes women want to look like something impossible, and it makes men lust over something impossible (fantasy). It’s a great little trick the devil has going here. It gets so many people. Women spend more to look good and men spend more on some sort of lustful material. Both women and men are deteriorating their hearts by chasing after these fantasies. But love is possible in the midst.
Your husband can love you, even if he’s looking at other women. He really can. He married you for a reason. He just hasn’t always viewed this the same way you do, but hopefully now (or with time) he will see it the same way.
Your intimacy and marriage cannot be healthy, pure, and truly one until your husband learns to value you more than his addiction. And you, as the woman, must learn to see your value through God’s eyes, not the world’s.
How, once a man is fully aware of the harm of the addiction and had confessed it to you, can he relapse?
The same way we go back into thoughts of not being good enough and comparing ourselves to other women. Think about how quick and easy it is to compare yourself to a model on the cover of a magazine. Or to walk by Victoria’s Secret in the mall and for a split-second wish you could look like that. That’s why I wrote the post “Overcoming the Porn Itch.” To show that it’s just as easy for a man to lust as it is a woman to think insecure, not-good-enough thoughts. You know the harm these thoughts do to you … but you continue to have them. It’s the same thing with a man. They are breaking a horrible habit. They’re trying not to scratch an itch they’ve subconsciously scratched for many, many, many years. (George, my husband, has a post about this, coming soon.)
So, that’s how it happens. That’s how he can say you are everything to him, you are the woman he loves and wants to be with … and continue to lust. The good thing is that you are now aware of his struggle. It’s out in the open, and he knows it’s wrong (I hope!). It will take time for him to break his habit fully, even if he is better now. It will also take a lot of time for you to 1.) feel secure with him and 2.) stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself and your marriage and your husband.
This process isn’t easy. I truly think it’s one of the toughest things a marriage can go through, but I hope my words do one thing for you. I hope they show you that there’s not only beauty after rain, but that it’s possible to see beauty in the rain.
It’s possible for your marriage to one day be on the other side of this pain. To have a much stronger marriage, a much more pure intimate life than most couples in this world. Your relationship can once again bathe in the light of the hope you had when you said your wedding vows.
It’s beautiful to be on the other side of the storm, but there’s something beautiful about struggle, suffering, and commitment through tough times. Sometimes the best place to be is in the rain. I think that’s why God puts us there. It teaches us, refines us, and changes us. And then … it makes us appreciate the sunshine even more, instead of taking it for granted.
Your marriage can be beautiful again. But your husband has to be willing to cut out his eyes and receive new, pure eyes. And you have to be willing to cut out these pieces of your brain that go back into negative thought patterns, and instead, you need to focus on things that are pure and lovely.
I have hope for you.
And remember … none of us are good enough in the world’s standards. There are too many comparisons. Too many impure perceptions of things. To God … there are no rating scales. We’re all unique. We all individually radiate His glory and beauty in our own ways.
We are so caught up in wanting to be “good enough,” but what we don’t realize is that we’re not supposed to be striving for the perfection of the world, especially in our marriages. The world gives us unattainable standards so that we will chase after them forever. Instead of chasing after the wind, we love each other through our flaws, strengths, commitment, and selfless love. We love each other because we are perfect for each other, not perfect in comparison to the rest of the world. Rating scales are dangerous and depressing. Stay away from them. And it’s time to throw away the “not good enough” mentality and see ourselves through God’s eyes. 
It’s normal (so, so normal) for you to go through these stages as you heal. It’s okay to have moments of “I hate him, I hate what he did.” He cheated on you, lied, and treated your marriage vows with as much importance as we treat our garbage.
You treasured him, loved him, gave him all you had … And he gave part of himself to other women—at least that’s how it feels to us.
But if he’s climbing up a ladder toward purity, you have to focus on the future or you’ll never get there with him. You’ll keep pulling him down into negative thought patterns. Remember … your marriage is a treasure—even if the devil is trying to snuff out your flames. You must always remember how much of a treasure your marriage is. Don’t let these negative thoughts ruin you or your hope.
With time … I hope you learn to see the beauty in this rain. Trust me, there is a lot of beauty in your life right now … it’s just hidden by dark clouds.
But I have hope for you. I really do.
