His lust issues. Your insecurities. There is one obstacle many people who right me often neglect to address. And it’s the most important obstacle. Until you face this I don’t think you’ll find true healing.
First, I want to ask you something. How many books have you read about porn addiction? How many books have you read to help with the healing process? How many blogs? How many Web sites? How much time have you devoted to better understanding the why of all of this?
How much have you focused on your pain, crying yourself to sleep at night as your husband sleeps in the living room? How much has your husband focused on his problems and his shame? How many times have either of you had thoughts like this:
What is wrong with me? Why am I not enough? Is it normal to want to look at a magazine cover as I’m passing? Is second-looking wrong? What if I see an attractive woman, can I acknowledge that without sinning? What did my husband look at today? I hope he didn’t see immodest girls when he drove to work. What will my wife think if… What will my husband do if…
Now, I want to ask you something else. Have you neglected God in your pursuit of understanding and healing? Maybe you feel like He’s neglected you and left you in the darkness of all of this, when really you’ve pushed Him away to try and figure this out on your own.
There are 1,001 books and articles we can read about porn addiction, insecurities, healing, lust, the why‘s of everything. But are we neglecting God in the process? Books and articles aren’t bad. Knowledge is wonderful and can aid in the healing process a great deal. But have you replaced God with your desire to understand? Have you replaced God with your insecurities? Have you victimized yourself and pushed Him away because you want to be pitied? Do you know more about porn addiction than you do your Father and His Son? Do you want to know what your husband looked at today more than you want to know about the beauty of God?
Without God, you cannot do this. You need to look through the shadows and toward the light if you want to find true healing. If you are ignoring the light and just trying to understand the shadows … you’re not going to find the light. You may understand the shadows more, but you won’t find the light. And the light is what you need.
Many people who write to me never mention God. They forget that He is the foundation of their marriages. They try to re-build their marriage brick-by-brick, but they have yet to lay the foundation. Those bricks will eventually crumble. Without God, this isn’t possible.
Your biggest obstacle is that you are not putting God first. If you are putting God first, then good for you. He needs to be the foundation. But if you aren’t putting Him first, it really is the first step to healing. Lay the foundation, then build the bricks. He’ll show you the way.
We can go back and forth asking ourselves questions, asking our spouses questions, asking, asking, asking … seeking, seeking, seeking. But we have to seek God first. We can’t seek and find true understanding without the Creator of life. Focusing on the addiction and all the why’s of his issues and her issues will keep you in the shadows if you aren’t looking at the light.
Devote more time to Him. Love Him more. Ask Him to reveal more of Himself to you. He is near to the broken-hearted and binds their wounds, but you must be willing to allow Him to hold you.
The more a couple loves God, the sturdier the foundation of their marriage will be. The more you love God, the less you will desire to lust. The more you love God, the less you will deal with the insecurities that make you wonder what your husband may have seen today. Focus less on yourself, less on others, and more on God. Look toward the light and He will shine into the shadows, helping you understand everything as you need to.
Then, through Him, love.
Please don’t neglect God for anything in this world, even knowledge. He is the answer to your recovery and healing. He is the key to a beautiful marriage. He is the only source of true life.
So spend some time falling in love with Jesus today. And every day. 
Luke 10:26-28
“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”
He answered: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
