You never imagined porn being a part of your marriage. You said your vows and meant them. And while you know the truth — that this is Jesus’ work — it’s something that is out of your hands … it’s still hard because you want your marriage to be beautiful and pure. I have noticed a HUGE difference between our intimate life pre-porn surfacing and now that he has been clear of it and my insecurities have lessened. Everything seems so much more beautiful and pure. I’m amazed at what God has done, but we’ve still had to do a lot of work through His strength.
It’s so important to maintain a great perspective through all of this. I didn’t always have that, but I hope you do. It’s such a difficult time to go through. Sometimes I hated George for what he did. I thought he ruined such a beautiful marriage, or at least what could’ve been a beautiful marriage, by hiding and bringing other women into our life together. It didn’t seem fair. I had been so faithful to him — how could he not think our marriage was valuable and important enough to protect with the same care and delicacy?
I was also very, very insecure after finding out. I am currently in my third pregnancy and let me tell you … my body looks nothing like perfection in this world’s eyes. In the beginning of all of this, I could NOT be seen naked by my husband. We spent the entire beginning of our marriage ALWAYS taking showers together. Then … I couldn’t. When we made love I always felt self-conscious. But since then my desire to be “sexy” has been cut away piece by piece. (Trust me, I still struggle.)
I think I confused sexiness with beauty. After George’s porn struggle came to the surface I would initiate kisses and intimacy with him in an effort to receive validation. And I think he felt that pressure, because it took him a while to feel comfortable being intimate with me. Since then we have sought and developed a pure view of sex that is not like porn sex. Neither of us desire that anymore. I think there is a time and place for more wild, passionate sex … but not porn star sex. There’s a difference between that passionate marriage sex and impure sex. I don’t even like using the word “wild,” because in this culture that can easily be confused with something impure, even if it’s not.
Just know this, as a struggling, healing, wife of a porn-addict:
You are beautiful. You have stood by an unfaithful (yes, lust is unfaithfulness) husband. That is a beauty unlike many, many women in this world. So many people are quick to divorce if they don’t feel loved and valued, then they constantly search the world for something or someone to make them feel good about themselves. You have desired a new beginning even after the pain. You want to get through it even now when you feel you are at your worst ever. You are still holding on and reaching for God when you can’t feel a thing. You are refusing to give up even though you often want to. You are faithful, even if you make mistakes and don’t always handle this situation with grace. You are normal. You are loved. You are a beautiful woman of God. You love God deeply and trust that He will bring you through this. You even the man who has hurt you so much.
You still love.
And there, in the midst of your pain, anger, and tears … you still hope.
That is what I call beautiful. Women can spend their lives doing one of two things. Seeing themselves through God’s eyes, or seeing themselves through the world. They can spend their lives trying to attain physical “perfection” or just trying to feel good about their appearances, or they can spend their lives loving so intensely that they forget to even look in a mirror.
It’s always going to be a battle. Your struggle with beauty, forgiveness, and love is just as hard as your husband’s struggle with lust. But you can get through this, both of you. I am absolutely in awe of what God has done in our marriage in only a few years … I have never known such a pure love. It’s beautiful. I truly, truly hope that more and more marriages can overcome the effects porn/sexual stuff has on their relationships.
Marriage is such a beautiful thing and the devil is doing his best to make it an undesirable thing.
I want to see more people find the light and beauty!
