During this process we often work against each other, and it really, really prolongs the process of healing. It’s sort of like a horse that isn’t trained. It’s still wild. Bucking. Freaking out. And the person on top has no idea how to ride a horse. So she’s kicking and screaming and pulling the reigns back real hard. The horse reacts by bucking. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Until she falls off and he runs away.
If we work together then we will learn together. The horse will learn to tame its passions. The rider will learn to ride without trying to control the horse. And together they will enjoy a beautiful ride through an open field.
Men tend to buck. Women tend to yank the reigns. It doesn’t get anywhere. Both of you need to first understand who you are, then look at each other and try to understand each other. Figure out a way to work together. Why does he buck? How can you encourage him to tame his passions without making him buck and run off into a tree? Why does she yank the reigns and rip your hair out? How can you encourage her and rebuild trust so that she loosens her grip?
You are both responsible for making the other person feel loved. But you cannot be responsible for making someone feel loved when you are doing everything you can and they still don’t. You can’t change their feelings, but you can continue loving anyway. You are also responsible for your own heart, actions, and reactions. If he bucks and you yank harder and kick him where it counts, it’s not going to get any better. If she yanks the reigns and you flip around the field some more, it’s not going to get any better.
Both of you need to give up control. You have to stop expecting actions or outcomes. You can’t continue to place your desires above your spouses.
Do you know how freeing it is to give up control? To stop wondering what he looks at when he walks into the post office and be confident in who God made you to be? Do you know how freeing it is for a man to see an attractive woman and not feel a strong desire to consume her with his eyes? Do you know how freeing it is to live without worrying so much about what other people look like, including yourself?
There is so much freedom when we give up control. We rest. We rest in everything God hands us — good cards, bad cards — we rest because God loves us and that’s the only thing we need, everything else is just a blessing. And yes, even the bad cards are a blessing because they are opportunities to prove our love for God and glorify Him in the midst of pain. There is no better time to glorify Him. It’s easy to glorify Him when we’re happy, but when we’re upset … when we’re wronged … when we’re stuck in a position where we want to defend ourselves but choose not to … that’s when He’s glorified the most.
Let’s give up the control and rest in the beautiful moments we are given to glorify God.
