Written by George a few months after he told me about his struggle with lust:
If what I say holds no value or is falsified by my actions, then do not read this. But if you know my love for you is true and unswerving, read this and consider:
Ashley, in my heart there is no one who is seated higher than you (save Jesus). And even in my sinfulness sometimes you steal first. Because of my love for you I desire to make you a happy and proud wife. I do wish that I was everything to you … but I am afraid that is not the case. I don’t want to be perfect, but I do want to be perfect for you.
Many times you have affirmed that I am, so I really want that to be the truth. There are so many things wrong with me and, yeah, I don’t enjoy hearing them. I get defensive and fire back, which only makes things worse. I am not proud of that either. But Ashley, if you never tell me, how am I to know?
I want to know. I want to be a better man for you and ultimately for God. This stuff is awful. I hate fighting with you. You are my only and true love. Doesn’t it tear you up?
Your life is so important to me. I would trade every last thing to see you live a happy life. I’m sorry for the things I have done to cause you pain. I do know that your only source of real joy and happiness comes from Jesus, but I still want to bring you joy. I am, and always will be, imperfect, but I want to be better. I want to seek purity always, for God and for you.
Please don’t seal your thoughts. Tell me. Write them down. Anything. I may cry and hurt or be upset, but at least you are being honest with me. You are precious to me. Flawed or perfect — you are my very own. I know I have done some things that have made you feel less than enough for me. But that is not the case. My sin had nothing to do with you. We are one. God put us together. I’m sorry for what I did, but God didn’t bring us together to quit. I said I’ll love you forever, and I meant it. I’m not going to give up on us. My heart is still feeling the sting of the words you have said to me, especially mentioning the “D” word.
We are to be most intimate with each other. I desire to know you inside and out. We vowed our lives to each other.
In my mind, love, there are millions more lovely memories with you than there are negative ones. I can see you smiling and looking at me lovingly. What awesome memories we have. Some that are only days old! Is life really that bad?
You are and always will be beautiful to me. You are my prize. You are my crown of creation. You make my life. You hold the keys to my pride. I am still so proud to be yours. I am not perfect, but I do love you so much. I am full of passion for you and I’m so sorry I’ve ever made you doubt that by my struggle with impurity. Please forgive me. I love you and desire you. There is so much to look forward to in our marriage. It will get better, won’t it?
I am willing to do whatever it takes. I give you my heart again and again. I beg you to give me yours again. Fight for me as I fight for you. Remember the mountains only lead to more beautiful views. Right now I am so full of love for you. I wish your head were resting on my lap, instead of this tablet of paper. I would brush your hair back and kiss your face … that never grows old. I love you, Ashley, my wife. I hope your heart finds its way back to loving me tenderly. I need your love.
I love you is never enough. But I love you is the best I have. And I do. More than words.
-Your Husband-
