Journal entry I wrote 7 months after discovering George’s porn struggle:
Why is it so hard to get over my insecurities with George? I know that God can heal anything. He can take away the many attacks on my heart if He wants to, but this never gets better. Each day it simply worsens.
In God, in myself — I feel completely confident, secure, and beautiful. In George … none of those things are “feelings” and they are very hard to believe as truths. There are so many things he has done or said, some he probably doesn’t even remember, but they stick to my heart like a bullet that cannot be taken from me. I want them gone. I really do. But I feel insecure every time he is around me.
I try so hard to focus on the present and hope for the future. He really is trying. I see that. And I want to believe that he tries even when I’m not around. Will I ever believe that? I wish God could erase my past and the pain George has caused, but I also realize the past is going to shape who I am in the future if I let it.
I want to see the purpose in this pain. It’s the most heart-wrenching yet. It hurts so much to have been faithful to him and to know that he wasn’t. I love him so much and sometimes I hate that I do. Until I realize that I am loving him for God, not myself.
I don’t know how long I can fight without getting depressed. I’m praying for God to keep my heart from temptation, to know that repeating George’s sin will not bring solace, only more pain. I don’t want more pain in our marriage. I want healing … even if it hurts.
I want to please God. To see my husband, my marriage, everything, through His eyes. It’s so hard sometimes. It’s so hard to want to be married sometimes when I feel like it’s all a lie. How can I believe George? I know he’s trying. I know he loves me. But I can’t feel these things anymore. All I feel is brokenness.
Will it ever change?
