Guest post from Luke Gilkerson, community manager of Covenant Eyes:
The e-mail was difficult to read. If tears could stain keyboards and become digital, the e-mail would have been stained with tears. The straw had broken and re-broken the camel’s back, and I knew this woman had given up all hope. She was convinced her husband would never change. His fantasy life, lust, and frequent porn use had driven a great wedge between them, and all his promises of reform were clearly empty.
They had installed the best Internet filters, but he was somehow able to get around them, or he was able to find his “fix” somewhere else. With each discovered failure, the securities tightened, time limits were fixed, and eventually the Internet was removed altogether. Still, in weaker moments, he would retreat to pornography or fantasy.
We live in a fast-food, quick-fix sort of culture, where it is easy to believe a pill, a device, or a new piece of technology will solve all our problems. When it comes to Internet temptations, it is easy to retreat to technology. After all, in some sense technology is the problem, isn’t it? It was this high-speed global computer network we call “the Internet” that delivered the digital harem into your home. It only makes sense we fight fire with fire.
But the Bible gives us deeper insights. Of course we live in a world full of temptations, and the Internet is part of that world. But the root of temptation is found not “out there” somewhere, but within me. “Each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire” (James 1:14, emphasis added). As much as we would like it to, computer software does not our change hearts.
Don’t get me wrong: Internet filters are necessary tools in the information age. The threat of unintentional exposure to pornography looms large. We need security devices that keep ourselves and our kids from being thrown into an online brothel. But when it comes to dealing with our desires, technology isn’t the answer . . . at least not the full answer.
For many men a filter is only another hurdle to jump over, another obstacle that makes the chase all the more enticing. As someone who used to be enslaved to pornography, I remember the so-called “thrill” of the chase. If climax was the only thing that mattered, why spend long hours glancing at hundreds of images? Won’t just one image do? But this is the insidious nature of lust: it is never satisfied. A man driven by lust is fueled by the lie that around the next corner is “something better.” If it is somehow more difficult to acquire, it only becomes more “forbidden,” and therefore more enticing. Lady Folly’s motto is the same today as when Solomon heard it 3000 years ago: “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant” (Proverbs 9:17).
A man who struggles with porn needs more than a software wall to stop him: he needs a community of men who help him fight the battle within. The church is one of God’s primary means of grace to unearth sin and find healing.
• Fueled by God’s promise of healing, he needs a community of mutual confession and energetic prayer (James 5:16).
• He needs men gathered around him who know how to stir him to love and good deeds, who know how to come along beside him and motivate him to live in the light of God’s coming kingdom (Hebrews 10:24-25).
• He needs someone to listen to him and speak to him in a way that actually helps him see how his sin is operating at the heart level, not just on the surface (Hebrews 3:13).
• He needs men of “understanding” who can draw out the hidden motives of his heart (Proverbs 20:5), wise men who impart their wisdom (Proverbs 13:20).
This is not merely God’s prescription for people with “real problems.” It is God’s design for all his children.
We need good technology, but not just quick fixes. We need something that actually bridges the gap between technology and relationships. This is one reason why I work for Covenant Eyes. Our accountability service monitors every place someone goes on the Internet, without blocking them, and then sends an easy-to-read report to his or her trusted friends. The reports are custom-made for good accountability conversations. Of course, this accountability service is only as good as the people who hold you accountable: but when those people have a biblical vision for real heart-change, the value of the software can be enormous.
My message to men and women is this: Don’t settle for quick fixes, because they don’t exist. Aim at nothing less than the gospel changing the very core of your being. If your marriage is suffering because of porn use, don’t waste this opportunity by placing a band-aid over the problem, even if you think it will “work.” Use this opportunity to explore the deeper motives of your heart and expose them to the light of the cross, letting God do a deeper work.
Luke Gilkerson is the general editor and primary author of Breaking Free, the corporate weblog of Covenant Eyes. Luke has a degree in Philosophy and Religious Studies from Bowling Green State University and is currently working on his Master of Arts in Religion from Reformed Theological Seminary. Before working at Covenant Eyes he spent six years as a Campus Minister. He lives in Michigan with his wife Trisha and two sons.
