Letter from a hurting wife:
Ashley, so much of what you have shared I could have written. I’m at the beginning of this struggle, putting my trust in the Lord and praying my husband is too. I’m so tried of this constant struggle to be a better wife, to be more understanding, to be more loving. I want to be all those things but I feel so unloved and hurt. I have tried “the love dare” and that seemed to help my husband feel more loved, but I don’t feel like he returns any of that to me. I really feel like I’m expected to do everything. Pay the bills, take care of the house and kids, everything. Then, I feel like I’m supposed to be grateful if he chooses to tell me when he takes a vacation from work. Or be happy when he buys a new computer for his mom but gives me the one they were throwing out at work. I feel so second class all the time. I feel like I a mean, nagging wife if I say anything. I’m very hurt and very alone. My marriage vows mean something to me, but what they meant to him I don’t know. I can’t walk away from this marriage without feeling like a failure, but I feel like I’m failing everyday I stay in it. I’m very confused. One minute I’m doing OK and the next I want to cry. In my stronger moments I know, with the Lords help, things will get better, but in my weaker moments I wish he would leave. Pray for me.
My response:
I completely understand the pain you are feeling. The beginning of the healing and recovery process for both the man and woman are not easy. This is the toughest time you will go through, but if you can both get through this I believe your marriage will one day thrive.
My message to you is: don’t let this be a struggle. It doesn’t have to be easy, but it doesn’t have to be something you lament either. You are trying to be a better wife, more loving, understanding, all of that, but I know when I tried to live up to those standards they were my own standards — not God’s. Obviously God wants us to grow and blossom every day, but not by our own blurred ideals. He wants us to become more like Him. That shouldn’t weigh you down, it should lift you up.
It is difficult, though, to heal after a porn addiction is exposed if your husband isn’t willing to put as much effort into change, growth, and restoration as you are. So many women struggle because their husband’s refuse to let go of porn, or their husband’s don’t think it’s a problem, or something that makes them on two different pages.
A healthy marriage cannot exist when porn and lust are woven throughout the relationship. It absolutely cannot exist. In order for it to exist both people have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get through this. Sadly, not all men are willing to give it up. It’s trapped them for so many years that it’s like ripping out their eyes and getting new ones. It should be like that. But they should be willing to do it. For you. For themselves. And for God.
How can a wife be expected to fight for her marriage when her husband won’t fight too?
Here’s the thing. You need to know what kind of “fight” your husband wants from you. And he needs to know what you want him to do to fight for you. There must be open communication about this. You need to understand what type of encouragement and support he wants from you. He needs to understand what type of encouragement and love you want from him.
Every person and relationship is different.
When George and I were in the initial stages of healing I needed him to tell me every detail of everything he was tempted by. I don’t recommend this, nor do I believe I was anywhere near wise at this point. But that’s what I wanted. I wanted to know everything, all the time. And he told me. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted from him, but he knew that I was hurt by the smallest things. So … he made an effort to change his behaviors to make me feel safe and also to cleanse his eyes (or rip ‘em out) and get new, clear eyes. He stopped going to the mall, stopped going to Blockbuster, stopped watching movies with certain content in them — he pretty much ripped out his eyes and asked God for new eyes. I can honestly say my husband (in terms of purity) is a new man. I don’t even remember the guy who had a problem with lust. He is different now.
In those initial stages George wanted me to be encouraging and supportive, instead of making him feel guilty for every little thing. He simply wanted me to allow room for trust to be regained, instead of making him feel like every effort was hopeless. For example, if a pretty woman happened to walk in the room I would often accuse him of lusting just because he saw an attractive person. Honestly, at that time, I wished he would never see attractive people. I couldn’t handle it, but he needed me to allow him room to grow. My constant accusations were knives from the devil landing straight into his healing heart.
I needed to hope. Not to accuse. And we both needed open, honest communication from each other, at all times. If I felt insecure, I’d tell him. If he felt tempted, he’d tell me. If I felt not good enough, I’d tell him. If he felt not good enough, he’d tell me. This way we always knew what the other person’s struggle was … we didn’t have to fight alone like we tried to in the very beginning. We could fight together. And fighting together is the only way a marriage can overcome porn.
You are there to encourage each other, to fight for and with each other, and to show the devil how valuable your marriage is. If you both feel like failures, if you both feel like you’re fighting alone … how will you win this battle? He’s gotta fight too!
You must come together, hand-in-hand, and show your enemy that your marriage is one of the most beautiful gifts God has ever given you.
Because it is.
