I can see how your husband may feel like it’s not necessary to be so overly cautious, or maybe he feels like a child and you are his mother telling him what to do. But really, it’s not like that. You care about his heart, not just your own. And in order for him to truly find purity he must be willing to give up things this world shoves in his face.
Your hubby needs to understand that by bringing things up that concern you or make you feel uncomfortable … you are seeking a better marriage. HE should be the one actively seeking to do ANYTHING he can (including all of the things you listed) in order to prove his trust again. For example, even if a man had absolutely no issues walking through the mall, he shouldn’t do that for quite some time purely to do anything he can to show his wife that he is serious about attacking these issues and that he desperately wants her trust back.
See, so often in this healing process we blame the other person, we justify ourselves, and we think only about our own struggles. We forget that the other person is more important. Your husband shouldn’t be thinking about your distrust of him. He shouldn’t be thinking about how your actions may make him uncomfortable. He should be doing anything and everything he can to make you feel loved and valued, and in turn … you will begin to trust him again.
Same goes for the woman. You have to be willing to see through your insecurity and pain, and love and value him as much as you can. Whether a man thinks so or not … you are loving him by being honest with him and telling him how he can better defend himself from the arrows of lust and by showing him your heart. When you are honest with him and tell him, “Hey, I don’t feel comfortable when you watch movies that have sexual content,” that is love. Those words are LOVE to him, so long as they are spoken with love and not the anger that rises from insecurity.
It’s okay to be open with him about your pain. It’s okay to cry. If he has trouble dealing with your tears, then he needs to realize that this is not just about him. You are in pain. You need him. And you need him to stop defending himself and see into your heart as well. Again, this works both ways. Both husband and wife need to put down the arrows and listen to the heart of the other person.
Remember, it may take YEARS for him to re-build the trust he has broken. And it’s no easy fight for him. He has to be willing to do whatever it takes. If he’s not, then he can’t be upset if you don’t trust him. That’s not fair to you. You can’t trust his words, he’s lied so many times before. You have to see it in his actions. I’ve seen George transform. That is why I can trust him now. I know that he doesn’t just look away when I’m around, he looks away when he’s alone. I trust this fully because I have seen his heart change, not just his behaviors. We can’t just modify behaviors here, we have to have a heart change.
As for getting angry at him when he doesn’t do something to prove to you that he’s trustworthy or working at this — don’t. Don’t get angry. That’s only fueling the fire of this thing. Instead, be hurt. That’s where your anger comes from anyway. So instead of allowing your pain to become anger, keep it where it should stay. Pain. Cry. Be upset. And allow him to hold you. Be vulnerable. Be hurt. Just don’t be angry.
We have been through some crazy times due to my hyper-sensitivity. Even after all we’ve been through and the change that has happened in George … I’m still tempted to over-think things and mentally blame him for things that may not be true.
But the good thing is … over time … George truly began to change. He began to seek true purity, not just for my sake or his, but for God. The change has been incredible. Now, we often look back and laugh at some of our most dreadful nights.
Anyway, your anger, bitterness, all of that — it’s normal. It’s so normal for you to go through that, but you can fight those emotions just as much as he can fight his temptation to lust. Remember, pain is good. Tears are good. Allowing pain to become anger … not good. Won’t help your marriage in the slightest.
Your hubby really needs to come to a point where he is willing to do whatever it takes to prove that he loves you and that’s he’s truly seeking purity. And you need to do whatever it takes to be honest and real, but not angry.
This fight takes two. You need each other to get through this. And you have to be fighting side-by-side, not against each other. Don’t let love fade out. Fight for it. Love can overcome all things and your marriage can truly shine again. It will be amazing when it does!
