Dear husbands,
I’m going to do my best to explain to you what it’s like when your wife finds out you are looking at porn, especially if you have or continue to lie about it.
Physically, imagine being knifed in the stomach. When she first finds out she loses her breath. It’s shocking. Deep pain and anger fight each other for her attention and most of the time she doesn’t know which she wants to allow to win — neither are appealing.
You’ve torn her world in two. Women thrive off of relationships. She married you because you were the only one she could ever imagine being with. You are her everything and now she feels like she never was much of anything to you. How many times have you chosen other women over her? You could’ve come to her, you could’ve shown her that she was everything to you. But instead you’ve listened to lies and pierced her heart with your selfishness. Sorry to be so harsh, guys, but this is how she feels. This is the truth.
You are not unchangeable. You are not a failure. You have simply failed at showing your wife that she is the love of your life. You have chosen to seek your own pleasure and in turn you have objectified women and used them for your own selfishness. On top of that, you’ve broken the heart of the person you once said vows to with a huge smile in your heart.
You’ve allowed your marriage to sink to one of the darkest places it’s ever seen. Now, it’s up to you to lead your wife to the light. You can wallow in your mistakes and the mess you’ve created around you, or you can repent and give your guilt to God and move on. Your wife’s heart is broken now, but you can help it heal. Ultimately God is the only healer, but you can help by doing everything you can possible think of to love your wife and regain her trust.
First of all, truly seek God and purity and rid lust from your life. You have to be ready to cut out your eye. It may look weird to others. It may hurt. It may be uncomfortable. You may feel legalistic. But you need to do whatever it takes to cut lust out of your life. So many things you do come so natural, but God is ready to change your heart and show you a new way to look at life and women — you have to be ready too, though.
Your wife is beautiful. You know that. It’s why you married her. But she doesn’t feel like that and she won’t for a long time. Just hearing you say, “You look pretty,” will be unbearable to her right now. The second those words leave your lips your wife is picturing another woman you looked at and comparing herself to that woman, thinking, “Yeah, right. I look nothing like those women you find so attractive that you chose them over me.”
It may drive you crazy trying to love your wife, because she’s often going to want you far away from her. But at the same time, deep down, she wants you to fight for her. She doesn’t want you to leave. In my novel, Exposed, Ally struggles on the couch with this, here’s an excerpt:
I went inside and sat down on the living room floor, back against the couch, knees pulled to my chest. Jessie slumped into the couch a few feet away from me. I didn’t know why, it didn’t make sense, but I wanted him to hold me. I wanted him closer.I glanced at his feet. His hand moved toward my shoulder. I pulled away. I didn’t want him to touch me. But I did. Oh, I didn’t know. Addled by all of it, by the fall of my life, my marriage, I couldn’t do anything but stare into space and try to make sense of the puzzle in my head.
You have to fight for your wife in these times. And often, you have to fight her to fight for her. I’m not talking about verbal, angry fights … I’m saying … you need to push through her brokenness and fight. If she tells you to leave because she is upset — don’t. It’s as simple as that. She is so mixed up, but she loves you. If she didn’t love you so much, she wouldn’t be hurt so much. She’s going to push you away, and she may do so in anger, but it’s your job to stay. To fight. To love her anyway. You have to prove to her that she’s worth it. If you leave … if you even leave for 15 minutes … she will collapse in tears or retreat in anger. Instead, keep your distance, but stay. Love her. Try to feel her pain.
She’s had her heart ripped apart. Women want to be beautiful and valued and loved. They dream of their wedding days. Men don’t plan nearly as much of the wedding. Women count down the hours until the day arrives and your eyes locked with hers are so important when she walks down the aisle. She wants to be so beautiful to you for a reason. She wants you to delight in her. Not just her physical beauty, but her entire beauty. All of her.
When you lust you are essentially choosing other women over her. You may not compare them to her, but she does. You may not long for those women, but suddenly she longs to be like them. She thinks she is missing something to be everything to you. That your wedding vows were a lie, just like everything else you say and do. She can’t believe you. She is broken. Of course she wants it to get better, but it takes time. You have to show her that you have changed. And if you truly have … she’ll see it in your actions and your life.
But you can’t give up. You can’t lash out at her. You can’t defend yourself. You can’t expect her to heal overnight or even in a year. It takes time when you’ve been hurt this deeply. You’ve taken your wife’s beauty and tossed it on the floor. Your actions have told her: You are not enough to captivate me and keep my attention. You can’t even imagine what that does to a woman, but you are getting a taste of it when you see her reaction to your betrayal.
Remember that she is fragile. Women are like flowers. They need the right care in order to thrive. They need a man who is gentle, but firm. They need a leader who loves Jesus and is willing to go where few aren’t. They need someone to be different, pure, and seek things that this world doesn’t. They need you to be a real man, a man who doesn’t objectify women and treat his wife as something less valuable than his sexual pleasure and entertainment.
She needs a man who is willing to fight and to give her time to heal. Can you be that man? Can you give up your own desires and seek your wife’s? Can you step into her heart and feel her pain, instead of trying to defend yourself?
Can you lead her into a hopeful, pure marriage where intimacy is far better and deeper than anything either of you could have dreamed?
If you can’t, she will wilt and wilt away. Your marriage will suffer. Even if your beautiful woman gives her heart fully to God and allows Him to heal her heart, your marriage will still die. You can stay together, no divorced needed, and still be dead. Plenty of marriages survive by a string of life. They sleep in different rooms, eat separately, don’t talk, don’t share, don’t have sex, don’t hold hands — is that what you want?
I sure hope not. I hope you are willing to lead your wife into a beautiful, thriving marriage. To let go of your guilt and allow God to make you a new man, a man with a changed heart, a heart that seeks purity. Please don’t believe the lies. You are not a failure. You can change. You can heal. And you can climb out of this pit and lead your wife into the hope of a radiantly bright marriage.
Are you ready?
Anything less than “yes” will not do.
Please say yes. Please fight.
Your sister,
Ashley
