Yesterday I talked about husband’s who don’t change and how their selfishness will ruin their marriages. Today I want to talk about wives who refuse to believe their husband’s have changed and how their selfishness will ruin their marriages.
When porn is first brought to the surface of a marriage a wife literally feels like her heart is ripped out and stepped on, then thrown in the trash. It’s not easy. Rebuilding trust takes a lot of time and a lot of effort from a man.
I’ve had several men write to me about how much they have genuinely changed. Some of them never needed counseling or programs or AA for porn-addicts, they just clung to Christ and through that they were able to cut out their eyes, see clearly, and grow closer to God and purity. This often makes a wife uneasy. Well, if he hasn’t gone to counseling or programs, how can I know that he is truly healed? It makes her question whether or not he’s still hiding.
But here’s the thing. You can tell that he has changed and that he truly is seeking God and purity by one simple thing.
Observe him.
A changed man is just that …. a changed man.
Does he look away from things that would throw sticks in his fire of lust? Does he no longer watch TV and use discretion with movies? Does he pray more? Does he desire God more than anything else in this world, including you? Does he talk about things that are pure, instead of self-defending? Does he try to do whatever he can to make you feel secure and safe?
Porn holds a man back from being the truest form of himself. When porn and lust is shed from his life, when he truly changes … he is changed. He is a brighter, newer version of himself. You can’t help but notice. It’s almost as though you’ve been viewing a blurry picture of your husband for years, blurred by lies and lust, but now it’s clear … he’s different and there’s no denying it.
At this point … if you continue to choose to not believe that he is genuinely seeking purity, your actions will cause your marriage to deteriorate. He needs you to support him and encourage him, not to make him feel as though he isn’t really healed.
When George told me that he no longer desired those things and was truly seeking purity … I didn’t believe him. So, I accused him of things that he wasn’t doing. This made him focus on the sin even more, it made him hyper-sensitive to attractive and immodest women around him, and it didn’t help him stay pure. It made him start to believe he was sinning when he really wasn’t. So unhealthy. So selfish of me.
I never tried to understand his heart.
Many women refuse to understand their husband’s hearts because they are too concerned about being the victim. I wanted to be the hurt one. I wanted him to feel my pain. I wanted revenge so often. I just wanted to dwell in my misery because it felt too intense to climb out of, and sometimes I even wanted to escape.
I think many women want to escape when this happens, whether to our rooms or to another man who might not look at other women. We just want to run away and find some solace somewhere else. We don’t want to deal with the pain, and we especially don’t want to understand our husband’s heart, because that means we don’t get to be the only victim. We have to understand his pain too. That means we have to put down our arrows, our self-justification, and hear him out.
Ouch! Who wants to hear out the person who has trampled on our hearts?
But it’s really not about our desires. It’s about God’s desires. And if we are truly seeking God and aligning ourselves with His beautiful outlook on marriage … we will realize that marriage isn’t about our happiness, it’s about our holiness. It’s a path to being more like Christ. No one can test your selfishness like your spouse.
It may take a long time for trust to rebuild, but you cannot find hope for your marriage until you believe in your husband and seek to understand his heart and feel his pain. Yes, he has pain too. The more you accuse him, focus on your own insecurities, dwell on what he did, compare yourself to other women, imagine him looking at so-and-so walking down the street … the more you are going to drive yourself crazy and drive your marriage to the grave.
Focus on God, not yourself or your husband. And through that you will be able to lay down your own life for others, for your husband, for God’s glory.
Realize that your husband may not be healing in the way you think he should. He may not be doing what you think he should, but stop thinking about how you would like to control this situation and pray about how God would like you to handle this situation. Surrender your husband and your marriage and your own heart to God. He is the only one capable of holding the steering wheel of our lives. Let Him drive.
Believing doesn’t mean you automatically trust again. But it does mean you are choosing to hope. Choosing to place your husband above yourself. And choosing to lay down your own thoughts for the sake of understanding your husband.
If both husband and wife do this … if both lay down their lives for each other … healing is impossible not to reach. Because whether we like to believe it or not … once an addict always an addict … that’s not true. One a porn star always a porn star … not true. Once an insecure, controlling wife always an insecure, controlling wife … not true. Once a wife of an addict always a wife of an addict … not true.
God changes. He restores. To believe that we are unchangeable is to doubt the power of God.
Stop doubting and believe.
Hope. Even when it seems like there is no blue sky behind the clouds. Because no matter what we think, no matter how much we believe the clouds will never leave … God has the power to reveal the beautiful blue sky. But first … we must believe.
Just watch out … the brightness of the sun may blind you when you finally see it again. But oh … how many marriages need to be that kind of blind. I’ll be praying for all of you to find the sun. And … I love you. Really. I wouldn’t spend so much time on this blog if I didn’t love you, all of you. And I love your marriage too. Fight for it. It’s worth it.
