Ashley, The Moms of our playgroup get together once a month for a social. The last time we met at someones home and had a pastor’s wife give a talk on marriage. She talked about husbands who struggle with porn. She suggested that wives should take nude pictures of themselves for their husbands. Then the husband can look at their wives and not other women. What is your advice about this? When I discovered what my husband was looking at on the computer, I thought if I spice up our sex life, he wouldn’t need porn. So, when he wants sex, I give it to him. When he wants to act out a fantasy, I do it for him. We do have an understanding that we will never bring anything into our marriage bed that would dishonor eachother. So far it has helped us. He hasn’t looked at porn in over a month. He is in such a great mood now and can’t keep his hands off of me. I am wondering what you think of taking pictures of yourself for your husband? Is that harmful to him? Will it cause him to stumble?
My response:
Yikes. Yikes. And more yikes.
First of all, let me remind everyone that everything I write on this blog is from my heart. I have done a lot of thinking, praying, and learning about all of this and the things I write may resonate with some of you, but I do not force my advice on anyone. I write on this blog to encourage and support others, but I ask that you never take my opinion or thoughts as validation for something in your life. Please take all of your concerns to God and do not take what I say for face value. Question all things and make sure you are following God, not me.
That being said … my thoughts on what’s OK in the bedroom are nowhere near what this pastor’s wife told you. During the process of healing and recovery we want to rid ourselves (both husband and wife) of any impure thoughts of sex. Acting like porn stars or posing for our husband’s in an effort to erase his desire to look at other sensually-posed women … how is that pure? To me, that is giving in to the way the world views sex and it’s only pro-longing the true healing process. It’s basically saying to your husband, “Well, if you can’t stop looking at that stuff I’ll just be that stuff for you.”
What happens when he gets bored with that? What happens when your pictures are no longer as sexy as those pictures online? Then what? What about women who are pregnant and can’t possibly pose in sensual photos for their husbands? Should they just take pictures of themselves pre-pregnancy and hold onto those as their bellies grow and their bodies age and wrinkle? Will he ask you to go further, to do things that he views online that aren’t pure at all?
Women often feel the need to turn themselves into a porn star or something similar in order to satisfy their husband’s appetite for porn and keep them from looking at it. But to me, this is unhealthy. It’s not going to help change his heart and it’s going to make the wife feel more and more like a sexual object as time goes on. Sex is meant to be a pure experience (yes, it can be exciting, fun, and passionate) that involves — more than anything — becoming one with your spouse.
Giving ourselves to our spouses whenever they want it — I don’t see how anything could be wrong with that. Honestly, the more you see sex through the eyes of God and purity, the more you’ll want to have sex. But acting out fantasies? Taking pictures that resemble porn stars? Imitating this world and the very thing we want our men to stop looking at?
That’s only going to feed his desire for those things. Yes, he may stop looking at it for a little while because he’s getting some porn sex in his bedroom. But porn addiction is about more than just sex. There is a draw to it that goes beyond sex. And one of these days those pictures of you, those fantasies you act out, aren’t going to be enough. Just like a crack fiend can never have enough crack. They’re always looking for a better high.
I don’t want to get too personal because I believe it may be a little inappropriate, but George and I have a healthy, beautiful sex life. We have fun. There’s tons of passion and excitement. But our eyes have been cleansed. We both see sex through the pure lens God has placed over our eyes. Sex is so much more fulfilling to us now, because we have no need to be like the world. We are more comfortable with each other, more open, and more satisfied, because we’re not seeking the standards of the world.
I love sex. Not because it brings orgasms and great physical feelings, but because it brings a unity with my husband I can only experience in those times. Yeah, the physical stuff is nice too, but really … it’s about so much more than being sexy and pleasuring each other. It’s about being in love, being one, and being able to say that we are worshiping God when we unite as one in sexual intimacy. It’s not about being like the world or bringing porn and fantasy into the bedroom. Why can’t becoming one with my husband be enough? Why do we need fantasies created by this world to enjoy each other?
Personally, I don’t want my sex life to be like that. We are not “prudes.” We have a lot of fun. We are super passionate people. But my husband is enough, thank you very much. And thankfully … I am enough for him. Becoming one is more beautiful than any fantasy. I’d rather experience that over some fantasy the porn world feeds me any day!
A quick blurb from my husband: God designed sex to reflect the love of the Trinity. The love of two coming together and the begetting of a third person (a child). The two become one flesh in their intimacy and also give birth to a third person who is the two persons wrapped in a single person.
Furthermore, sex employs all parts that make up the human existence: Physical, Mental, and Spiritual. This done in the context of godly love between a husband and wife is, in fact, glorifying the One who designed and gave the gift. It is an act of worship to the Creator when we do what He designed us to do within the context He made it for.
So, there you have it — a glimpse into our view of sex and what we allow/don’t allow into the bedroom. As I said before … don’t take my heart and view of this as the absolute truth you must follow. Search this out on your own. Allow God to search your heart. In Him … you’ll find your answers.
