Letter from a hurting wife:
So many of the stories I have read have started by saying, “I was shocked to find that my husband was addicted to porn.” Mine starts the same way.
Shortly after we married he began to act differently towards me. Eventually I realized that he was emotionally abusive and neglectful. He was also neglecting me sexually. I didn’t understand why he was so distant, and distracted, and uninterested in me in every way.
I justified these behaviors saying to myself and others who witnessed the abuse, “Well, at least he would never betray me. At least he would never cheat on me. Every one has to deal with some sort of crap in their marriage and I guess this is worse than some but better than a lot.”
I decided that the reason he could not compliment me, was because he was too honest. That he was unable to lie, therefore he could not tell me I was beautiful when I was not.
My self-esteem is crushed. He rarely initiated sex (we would go months). I thought if I were skinnier or prettier. If I were more experienced or moved better or differently he would be interested. When I got up the courage to initiate, he would turn me down. I can not explain the vulnerable state he would put me in, telling me I needed to initiate more and that our lack of intimacy was my fault and then refusing me or being “unable” to have sex.
I didn’t find out about his addiction until we had been married for 10 years. He confessed one day out of the blue. I began learning about pornography addictions and learned that his emotional neglect and abuse and him being “uninterested” in me all made more sense.
He had been addicted before we were married. Supposedly he had quit before we got married and started up after wards.
I really have been unhappy for the most part in my marriage. I really don’t feel like I have a lot to fight for. I don’t really even like him.
We have 2 kids and they love him.
I guess I just am angry at what I feel has been a decade stolen…but more than that…it is more like all my dreams, and hopes, and wishes have been stolen.
I feel weak and hopeless. I feel like I should stand by him because he wants to heal and be free from this addiction, but I don’t feel like I am strong enough. These past 10 years have been SO difficult that even before I found out about the addiction I had wished for an escape. And know that this betrayal, lies, deceit, and hurt, has been piled on top of everything else, I just think it may be too much.
I feel unable to forgive.
My response:
What a candid and beautiful letter. Yes, beautiful. Because it’s so real, so honest. But what I want to remind you (and anyone else reading this who may feel the same) is that your last statement is held together by a key word. Feel.
One thing we have to remember in the midst of our marriages (porn-related issues or otherwise) is that love isn’t based on feelings. If it were … well, I guess most of us wouldn’t really love our children, because if your life is anything like mine … children don’t always make me feel all lovey-dovey.
To feel like you don’t like your husband, that you don’t have anything to fight for, and that giving up would be so much easier … isn’t true. You may not always like your husband’s actions, but there is a reason you put that ring on your finger one happy day years ago. There is a reason you looked into that man’s eyes and said, “I do.” There is a reason. You love him. Not past tense. You still love him or you wouldn’t be reading this site — you would’ve already given up. But you are here. You are still holding on to a tiny, tiny piece of hope that there is something worth fighting for.
And you are holding on not because of your feelings (which obviously aren’t the most exciting right now), but because of the truest state of your heart. You want to love, truly love, and find the hope that so many marriages give up on.
You can find that. It’s beyond those feelings of doubt and fear. It’s beyond your insecurities and crushed dreams. It’s beyond all of the things he does to agitate you and drive you crazy. It’s beyond your feelings and into the deepest part of your heart. From there, you still hope. And you can find true healing. Your marriage, and every marriage in this world, can have the beauty God wants us to have.
But it starts with Him. A marriage resting on a foundation of anything other than God will never find the beauty He intended for it. How can it? He is the author of your romance, your marriage, your life — therefore He must be the center of it all.
In Him you will be able to see past your feelings. You’ll be able to love when it hurts. And you’ll be able to fight when it seems impossible.
But it doesn’t just end there. Your husband has to be willing too. Both husband and wife have to be willing to fight WITH each other. I can’t stress that enough. I feel like I’ve said that 841 times since I started this blog. But it’s true. This isn’t a fight we struggle through alone. We grab our partners hand and fight with him/her. That’s the only way your marriage can get through this. A man can heal from a porn addiction without his wife’s support. And a woman can heal from her insecurities and pain without her husband’s support. But the marriage? It will die if both people aren’t fighting together, hand-in-hand, for the hope and beauty their marriage so desperately needs to survive.
To any woman struggling to find a reason to hope, to forgive, to fight for your marriage … I want you to remember why you married your husband in the first place. I want you to train yourself to think positively of him (not negatively) even when it’s almost impossible. (Think about his struggle with lust. If you want him to turn away from that, then be willing to turn away from your negative thoughts as well.)
Most of all, I want you to remember that our wedding vows were never based on ourselves. I didn’t say, “George, promise me that you will be faithful and loving, for better or worse, all the days of your life.” I said, “Love, I promise. I do.”
I gave my vows. Sure, a lot of feelings wrapped around those words. We were on cloud nine. Not a ton of wisdom enveloped our actions back then. But … we are here now, saying “I do” all over again, instead of … “You didn’t, so I don’t.”
I do. I do a thousand times. Because that day a few years back meant the world to me and I won’t let anyone or anything steal that from me. Because I love him. And I promise to love him for better or worse, no matter what, because love overcomes all things — even feelings.
