Ashley, how were you able to not get sucked into trying to change your husband? How were you able to focus on your own health and recovery? It is very difficult to watch his journey and be still.
– A Healing Wife
Well, honestly, I failed at many things. That’s why I can give advice to other women. I made every mistake possible, except I didn’t actually cheat on him, though I thought about it many times. I did get sucked in. I got sucked in to trying to change and control him. And I got sucked in to my own misery and insecurities. I pretty much wanted to die. I honestly thought I could not continue in our marriage and I knew I didn’t feel right about divorce or remarriage, so I thought the only out was if God would just let me die. Sometimes I’d just pray, “God, please just let me die.” Then I’d look at my baby. She was only about 7 months when I was going through one of the worst spells. I thought to myself, “There’s no way I can leave this baby alone or make her leave her daddy.” She is the glue that held us together those first few months of healing. If she wasn’t there I think I would have run far, far away.
But I stayed. And we had some intense fights. I tried to control him. I tried to make decisions for him. I tried to force his healing and his changes. My hyper-sensitivity seeped into his hyper-sensitivity. So by making such a big deal out of little things myself, I made him focus too much on attractive women that he normally wouldn’t have lusted over.
Oh, it was terrible. I think back to those times in our marriage and wonder … who were those people???
Real changes started to happen when I let go a little. When I realized my place as a wife, a help meet. I knew that I needed to let him be the leader, just like my wedding vows said. If he was going to hurt me again or sin again, it had to be his own mistake, not something he could blame on me. And if he was going to change and seek purity, it had to be his own desire, not a desire birthed by fear of his crazy wife.
At some point I realized I needed to encourage, instead of tearing him down and beating him up about it. And that’s when I started to realize my own flaws, my own desperate need to fill a prideful desire to be sexy or beautiful in the world’s eyes. When I started to change, we started to change together, and his recovery became so much easier. He actually wanted to change and I saw the sincerity in it. We both wanted to rid our own sins (insecurity, pride, lust) in order to love God and each other better.
This was such a difficult journey for me. It really was. I made so many mistakes. I was just so hurt. So shaken. I had no where to turn. Didn’t know who to turn to. Counselors made things worse for us. Our family didn’t understand. Friends didn’t understand. Every website I found said the same thing and it just didn’t help. I didn’t want to know we were just another statistic. I didn’t want to know that most men struggle with this. I didn’t want to know how much pain women go through. I didn’t want to know details about lust and why men do it. I wanted hope. That’s why I started this blog. That’s why I do what I do. I really want to be what I never had. Hope. Truth. Honesty. A shoulder to lean on that doesn’t dwell in the darkness, but gives some light to this.
I hope I am that for you. 
And I hope you never feel bad emailing me or asking me questions or just venting. I know how hard this is. But I also know that if I can make it through something like that, so can you!
