In the last post I said truth is not validated or invalidated by our opinions of truth. I have talked to so many people affected by porn, from people in the industry to men struggling with lust to women facing deep insecurities. One thing that I can’t deny is this: when someone is steeped in lust or insecurity … their perspective on life is often askew.
And it’s generally a selfish perspective.
Imagine a husband who is unwilling to change. He lusts and he blames his wife. She doesn’t “release” him, so he has to go about it himself since it’s a “biological thing” that must be done every so often. He has no self-control, so he blames his wife instead of facing his sin. He doesn’t want to change. He believes that his wife is supposed to be a servant, not a submissive partner. He thinks life is all about what he wants and how he wants it. He doesn’t care that his wife is hurting, but every now and then when he sees her tears … he wants to change. But he’s stuck. He’s stuck in this selfish perspective of control. He wants his life to be his life. He doesn’t want to follow God’s path. It’s too hard. He thinks it’s too boring. So … he continues on his distorted perspective of reality. His reality is that life is all about him, when really, the world wasn’t created so he could use everything for his selfish pleasure.
Now, imagine a wife. Her husband is changing. He formerly had an issue with lust. Or maybe he’s trying to break out of his current lustful thinking. But she’s always nagging him. She’s always scoping the scene to make sure no attractive women are around. And if they are around she stops focusing on loving her husband and instead focuses on this other woman, hoping this woman stays out of her husband’s view. But the second that woman walks into her husband’s view … her world crumbles. Did he see her? What did he think? Did he think about her body? Did he think that she’s prettier than me? She allows her insecurities to torture her, to climb from her wounded heart and wrap around her neck with such force that her spirit nearly chokes to death. She blames her husband. If only he would love her the way she needs to be loved. If only he would nurse her back to health. If only he would do this and not look at women, then I would be better. Instead of acknowledging her own sin of insecurity, she blames her husband for her insecurity. She continues on in this distorted reality. The reality that life is all about her. All about being loved and beautiful. And in the process … she forgets to love.
Now, imagine a husband whose wife is like the above woman. Instead of getting angry and pointing fingers back at her, he loves her. Instead of blaming her for the issues in their marriage, he writes her a beautiful card and tells her how much he loves her. He doesn’t look at other women with lust, he loves them and feels compassion for them. He doesn’t seek revenge. He doesn’t force his wife to “release” him, but practices self-control. When his wife nags, he apologizes even if he think he has done nothing wrong. He loves. He looks to God to fill Him and through that love he pours into his wife, even if he receives nothing in return. He loves. Fully. Unconditionally. Beautifully.
Now, imagine a wife whose husband is unwilling to change. Instead of crying herself to sleep, she prays for his heart and those affected by porn. Instead of wondering why he doesn’t love her enough to be faithful, she thinks of ways to express love to him. She reaches out to touch him when it hurts. She desires to make love to him, even though she’s insecure. She doesn’t defend herself when he blames her for his issue with lust. She loves. She doesn’t tell him what to do or try to control his life, she just prays that he will find true healing, seek purity, and in turn, help their marriage to be restored. She doesn’t dwell on her own beauty or what she thinks is a lack of beauty. She loves. She is focused on others, not the mirror. She’s loving. Compassionate. Selfless. And a true beauty that transcends time.
Out of all of these people … who do you want to be like? Do you want a distorted perspective? Do you want to stay in lust and insecurity? Or do you want to break free, find freedom, and live in truth?
Next post … we’ll talk about living in truth and how to find it amidst this brokenness.
BTW — I’m working on a non-fiction book. Question for everyone (email me or comment on this post). Would you rather a non-fiction book on healing for a wife, or a workbook for couples? Eventually we may do both, but only one for now. Let me know!
