My own marriage suffocated me, stealing my breath with every thought of the past, of what we were supposed to be, not what we’d become. These words were said by Ally, in my novel Exposed. I wrote those words and I’ve felt that way so many times.
I felt so trapped. So unwanted and so unwanting of my marriage. The wedding vows I said? I didn’t care about them, because he obviously didn’t care about them. I ignored any glimmer of truth and dwelling in lies. I sat in the slime of self-pity, allowing myself to blame him for all of our problems, for all of my problems. Controlling George with my emotions, I made him anxious about walking out of his front door. Selfishly, I focused on myself, and so many times, he selfishly did the same.
We’d spend hours going in circles, defending ourselves. We’d go back and forth. “Why did you do this to us?” I’d cry. “Why don’t you believe I’ve changed? I’m doing everything I can,” he’d say. We pointed fingers in each other’s face until I’d slam the door in his face and lock him out of the house (literally) or he’d end up on the couch.
Do you know how much it kills me to think that I wasted a night of my marriage sleeping without my husband? Sleeping on a “bad note?” Waking up and not talking to each other for an entire day because neither of us knew how to start over after such a horrible night….
I want to go back. Listen to me. I want to go back and love him more than I loved myself. I hate that I gave the devil a foot up in my life. I hate that I listened to his lies. I hate that I believed his lies and thought I was trapped in my marriage, when in fact I was trapped in lies. I wasted those precious moments. They are gone. Never to be lived again.
I love my husband. I loved him them, even when I thought I hated him. Even when my marriage made me feel like someone put a pillow over my heart until it stopped living. I loved him.
If there’s any advice I can give anyone going through this horrible, horrible stuff, it’s this: love him, love her. Love. Tomorrow he may get into a car accident and you’ll regret it. Tomorrow she could be diagnosed with terminal cancer and you’ll regret the selfish moments you spent seeking your own pleasure.
Marriage is beautiful, but so often we allow it to be tainted by lies. And … this nearly makes me cry writing it … we allow it to suffocate, instead of looking to God to breathe it back to life. My heart hurts for your marriage. I know a marriage can’t find this beauty unless both people are willing to stop listening to the lies and love, but some people are just selfish. They would rather give life to their pride than give life to their marriage. They’d rather suffocate their humility and surround themselves with self-pleasure. Or sometimes, they’d rather drown in self-pity than fight for someone who has hurt them.
We all have our selfish moments, but our desire should be to never have them. To love our spouse not just as much as we love ourselves, but more. To never consider the word divorce, but to value marraige as God values us, His bride. I can’t imagine if God left me bccause of my unfaithfulness, because of the times I’ve walked away from Him or the times I’ve chosen myself over Him. And I can’t quite imagine a world where evreyone loved their spouses (and others) as much as God loves us. Wow.
There is a way out of the suffocation. And it’s love. The flames are worth it in the long run. It may not seem that way now. You can get through this though. It’s not impossible. We did it. Many couples have done it. Marriages survive because God wants them too. He is on our side. Stop listening to lies. Don’t ever let your lover fall asleep angry in another room without fighting (gently) for him/her. Value marriage. One day … one day I promise you … you will regret the moments you let selfishness replace love.
