Letter from a healing porn-addict:
Ashley, A few weeks back you asked wives to write a letter to their husband’s to show that they better understand the heart of their husband’s. I noticed you never received a response and I wanted to write in a sort of response to that. I want to share my heart anonymously, if you don’t mind.
I have been addicted to porn since I was a teenager. I’m in my late twenties now and my wife just found out. I tried to hide it from her and succeeded for the first four years of our marriage. She didn’t know anything about my struggle, she thought I was perfect and honestly I didn’t want her to think anything less.
She found out and the rest is history. Our story is the same as so many others, but what I want to share is my heart now that she’s found out. I’m still struggling. It’s only been four weeks since she found out. Our marriage sometimes seems like it’s the most difficult thing in the world. I don’t know if I can do this sometimes. I haven’t looked at porn and have no desire to anymore, but my issue with lust is still there. My wife is extremely broken right now and doesn’t believe anything I say. She asks me what I’ve done or seen every day and it makes me think about the sin even more.
When I walk out the door I’m so focused on what I might see that might make my wife upset, that I almost look for lustful images because I’m afraid of seeing them. I hope that makes sense. I don’t want to seek them out, but when my wife is constantly asking me what I saw I feel like I need to be aware of everything around me in order to give an account of my day. Sometimes when I do see something in this hyper state I’m in I will look twice and then sink into a depression of sorts where I loathe everything about myself and feel like I’ll never be able to stop failing.
Why is lust such a hard thing for men to get over? I want to. I want to be faithful to my wife in every way. I want to look at only her with thoughts of, “Wow! Look at her!” But there is still a part of me (if I’m honest) that wants to look at other women. It’s not that I want to look actually, it’s that when I see them I want to look again. I want to take in the beauty of other women.
I know this isn’t fair to my wife, but I am fighting. I don’t understand how I can still desire to take in the beauty of another woman, yet at the same time want to only look at my wife in that way. I feel like two different people, but I’m seeking a heart change. I truly believe that this is only the beginning of the fight. If I continue to do this for God, for my wife, and for the sake of my beautiful struggling marriage, then maybe I will be at a place in a year or so where I no longer desire to look at other women in that way.
It really is hard though. It’s hard to balance my own recovery with the needs of my wife. I understand she is very needy, upset, and justified in her distrust, but that doesn’t make it easier for me to get through this. I feel like I’m under a microscope much of the time and it makes me focus too much on lust, instead of things that are pure. I don’t want to worry about what I might see when I walk out my door. I just want to live and if I see something, look away, and not have my wife get upset that I even noticed it.
Please understand my heart. I want to do the right thing. I want my wife to heal and I want to be a faithful man who honors his wife, just like George has done for you. I want to prove that I am fighting, even though I mess up sometimes. I want to prove that I will do whatever it takes, even if she never believes me.
I still hope that one day she will believe me. Maybe one day she will put her microscope down and realize that I’m just human, a broken human trying to do my best to get rid of the trash that’s consumed me for so long. I want purity and healing. I really do.
I hope every woman reading this can see that my heart (the heart of a husband) is just like theirs. We men are broken too, in need of grace and love and God’s strength to pull us through this mess.
