We are raised in a culture that teaches us to be self-reliant, independent, and completely self-focused. We are taught to demand love from others, and when we don’t receive it the way we believe we should… we are taught to either walk away from the person, build walls, stop loving them back, or teach them how to love us the right way. If they refuse to love us the way we believe they should, we end up depressed and insecure, always blaming our problems on the person who didn’t love us right. Whether it’s Daddy, Mommy, Uncle, Neighbor, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Spouse, Child… they get the blame for our sadness, insecurity, or anger.
For a man recovering from a porn addiction, he may try to do everything right and feel like he’s getting nowhere with his wife (or girlfriend). He may do everything she says and more, and still have an angry wife who gets upset whenever they are around people with a certain color hair or specific body part. These men can react in one of two ways. They can become angry, justify themselves, and defend all of their amazingly good qualities… or they can humble themselves and believe they are truly the worst of all sinners and ask for forgiveness every second of the day, taking full blame for all the issues in their marriage.
For a woman recovering from her husband’s porn addiction, she may try to forgive, trust, and move on, but feel like it’s impossible. She may be so immersed in her insecurities that she can’t see the light. She may not feel like her husband is loving her well enough. Maybe he isn’t doing everything he could be doing to fight for purity and live a life in Christ. These women can react in one of two ways. They can become angry, bitter, and more resentful, clinging to their insecurities like they are a precious treasure… or they can humble themselves and believe they are truly the worst of all sinners and ask for forgiveness every second of the day, taking full blame for all the issues in their marriage and all of their insecurities.
See, pride is the biggest tool in the death of love. Pride ruins everything that is good. A man who is upset because his wife can’t move on no matter how hard he tries is falling victim to pride. A woman with bitterness or insecurities is prideful. Blaming the other person for the death of love is prideful. In the parable of the Pharisee and Tax Collector… the Pharisee believed he was better than others and counted his good qualities to God, whereas the Tax Collector knew his sin and had enough humility to never believe he was better than anyone else. And Jesus said, “I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.”
Pride will not only kill every good relationship around you, but it will kill your own soul as well. Pride brings death. Humility brings life. If you don’t believe me… I urge you to start taking the blame for every issue in your marriage, always apologizing and meaning it, and asking God to help you work through your own issues (like purity or anger or insecurity or whatever it may be), then tell me how it works out. Humility and love kill pride in a relationship. Even if only one person is killing pride with love, it still works. Because pride can’t stand up to humility. It will either run or eventually be broken down and humble itself to love.
To the man who thinks he does so much but doesn’t get anywhere… I say humble yourself, apologize, and do even more than you are currently doing. There’s always more we can do to love others. Always.
To the woman who thinks she’ll never get over these insecurities and be able to love him again… I say humble yourself, stop looking to be the most beautiful woman in the world to your husband and start being the most beautiful woman in the world to your husband by living like Christ (who was not attractive in form), apologize, and do even more than you are currently doing.
If you both love each other with humility instead of through pride… I promise you… your marriage will change… and you will experience a love you’ve never, ever imagined.
