Every day I drenched my sheets in tears. Every day that I could round up the energy to shower, I tasted my tears mingled with the running water. My tears. They became my best friend, my most consoling source. I hated crying back then, but it flowed from me all the time. When George went to work, tears. When he went to the gas station with all the magazines staring at him, tears. When he saw a pretty waitress, tears.
Sometimes those tears would turn to anger, but most times they led me down a path of self-pity that could have easily ruined me. I worried constantly–c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y–about what my husband saw. I analyzed women everywhere I went, even when George wasn’t with me. I compared myself. I wallowed there in my self-pity because I fed my insecurity every chance I could, instead of feeding my desire for God. I was more focused on myself–what I lacked and what I wanted–instead of focusing on God.
I wanted. But I didn’t receive. So I wallowed.
Feeding this self-pity will turn it into a beast. You’ll end up on anti-depressants. You’ll end up spending tons of money on psychology sessions. You’ll end up so dependent on anything to keep you going, instead of depending solely on God, the only One who can fill, satisfy, and heal us.
Healing doesn’t happen when we turn to anti-depressants to relieve our self-pity. (Sure, there may be times medication is necessary, but I’m only speaking of self-pity right now.) There is no man-made medicine for self-pity. There’s no will power that can climb out of the quicksand of self-pity.
Your medicine for self-pity is to love God more. To love others more than you love yourself. To be more focused on what you can do for God and others than what they can do for you. To give up your rights and desires and surrender to God’s will for your life. To give up and give God the reigns.
I knew I was about to experience a big change in my life and marriage when my pillows were saturated because I was mourning my own sin, instead of wallowing in self-pity. When I recognized my own sin, my own need for God, and my own lack of dependency on Him … I could have done two things. 1.) I could have turned from God and tried harder to fix things on my own. 2.) Or, I could have turned to God and loved Him more, allowing love for Him and His love for me to transform me.
I chose the second and it has made all the difference. I stopped taking my own medicine for self-pity and turned to God. I rested in His love and gave Him my heart. Being in love with my King is the only thing that has saved me from a marriage destroyed by pride.
I recommend the same medicine for you.
