Letter from a wife:
I absolutely know that Hubby and I were made to be together, that he loves me with all of his heart and that he has struggled with porn since he was a teenager. it consumed him at times, tore his life apart and made him question his faith … all before he met me.
The year prior to meeting me, God really took him on a journey and it got much better … through all this he sought mentors and friends to help him have victory over this. When we were dating he told me that he had a problem looking at girls online. He didn’t tell me anymore, but for me I had no idea what that meant.
What did he look at???
Over time we had lots of talks about it… I held him accountable and his best friend did as well. There were times when he would tell me he messed up and times he wouldn’t. He has come so far from where he was.
Then we were getting married I was so excited, but a part of me was soooo scared. I didn’t want him to be thinking of anyone else, or picturing anyone else. I didn’t think it was fair that he had seen all these girls and I saved myself for him.
I was terrified at how I would feel if he would do it after we were married and he had made love to me. Would I not be good enough to keep him from doing that????
We had a lot of talks about how I felt, what I was scared of, and he did his best to comfort me but I knew I had to turn to Jesus….that He needed to be my peace and comfort and that I needed to be in prayer for Hubby more than I was.
So we were married and things were wonderful. I don’t remember how many months we had been married, maybe 5 or something, when I woke up in the middle of the night and Hubby wasn’t in bed. I got up and went to find him and he was online. He had a work thing up online and I asked what he was doing and he had a logical excuse.
I tried to go back to sleep, but couldn’t. I knew in my heart what he was doing. I tried sooooo hard to trust him, believe him. I wanted to believe him. He came to bed with me. I held his hand and asked him one more time what he was doing and if he was looking at things online.
He looked straight at me and said, “No, I love you.”
I closed my eyes and prayed that God would help me trust my husband because I was so doubtful. I got up early and went to the computer. I knew I surprised him at night so he couldn’t have deleted where he had been. There were 5 or 6 sites and I clicked on few… I had never seen the things he looked at online and it made me sick that he would do that and then come back to bed with his wife!!!!!
He chose to get out of our bed and look at other girls while i was laying there. I was soooooo mad and sooooo hurt. I felt like I wasn’t good enough and never would be …. I had no idea what to do or how to get through it for myself. I couldn’t understand why … if he wanted me he could have woken me up, but he didn’t. It felt like he wanted some other girl instead of me.
I know the pain of this. It can feel like work and your duty to satisfy him because you don’t really need or want that right now. He CHOOSES to look at other girls, like what your doing is not enough, who you are is not enough. In your own home.
He has betrayed your trust … he has hurt you … and he chose to do that. I do not understand why they do it and I will never understand when Hubby tells me that he doesn’t even see the girls as people … that it doesnt’ mean anything to him … that he had prayed that God would remove those images from his mind and He has so he doesn’t even think about them. I just don’t get it.
I have had to believe Hubby and the readings I have done on men and porn that it is a choice to sin that becomes an addiction, that they don’t even really like what they are looking at, they don’t connect it to anything…no emotion, nothing.
I struggled with an eating disorder for 6 years (part of which was when Hubby and I were dating I was in couseling) and I know Hubby could never understand how I was consumed, how my mind was tainted and how I could believe the lies that I believed.
I went back to bed that morning after I looked on the computer and Hubby was still there. I was crying and he woke up and said, “What’s wrong?”
I said, “I love you.”
And he lost it and told me what he had done. He tried so hard to comfort me, reassure me, to make things right after that morning. I couldn’t talk to him about it. I cried a lot…felt lost and alone…had no idea what to do for myself to get through it.
I found comfort in scripture and praying for Hubby. That first day I told him that I loved him and I forgave him but it was NOT ok and he needed to give me time and needed to earn my trust back. I told him he needed to be more accountable with someone. I told him were were getting a child safety program for the computer and only I would know the passwords, for a long time he wasn’t allowed on the computer when I wasn’t there (I had a password to login as well) and he willingly agreed to do anything and everything.
Things are not so strict anymore because he did gain my trust back and I realized that it was more important that i believe and trust God to continue to work on Justin and mold him to become more of the person He created him to be.
It hasn’t happened since that time but I know if he lets his guard down satan will try to defeat him in that way, just as if I let my guard down satan will use eating and how I feel about myself to destroy me and our marriage. It was difficult for me, someone who never thought I was good enough so I tried to be, deal with someone I love who struggles with porn because of how easily it makes me feel like nothing. I have to remember to make sure I am right with God, to make sure i’m doing the things to help justin and push him to more of God’s child. I pray for him (always need to do that more)..and we still take the necessary step so that temptation is as reduced as possible, but things are getting better.
