Letter from a healing wife:
It’s not 100% easy yet (it may never be). This past week/weekend I’ve been struggling quite a bit with fears and insecurities and worrying that he will be tempted by other women. I have been over-analyzing why he smiles at me, kisses me, touches me, holds me, compliments me … so on. I have been really craving that from him, but also expecting him to give me lots of attention and try to read my mind about when and how I want him to show love to me. But when he doesn’t, I feel crushed and unwanted. (Literally in a matter of seconds. I work myself into a frenzy. It gets a little out of control. I get irrational.)
I’m also about to get my menstrual cycle, so I know the hormone shift/slightly more unstable emotions can intensify that too … but mostly I think these are all connected to my pre-existing insecurities. I have to remember to try not to expect my husband to fix me, though I sometimes do expect that of him. I don’t want him to end up co-dependent either, just trying to be who I “need” him to be. I can’t see him actually becoming that though. He is pretty strong in wisdom and discernment. I know that to some degree I actually have a co-dependent history, so maybe I partially expect him to be my band-aid, like I used to be for other people … enabling them to continue in an unhealthy mind-set (ultimately attempting to “avoid” conflict and pain).
So anyway … I think I need to see a counselor. My husband agrees. I need to talk through things with someone, and probably go back way farther than before I ever met him, since it didn’t just start when I found out about his porn struggle. Probably as far back as my early childhood. Although, to be very honest, I’ve always known that my insecurities were something I needed to work on … but this new situation with him has taken it to a whole new level of my desperate need for healing. It seems I have a lot more work ahead of me now than I ever have in my whole life.
So, I’m doing just okay. I have good times, some times great times, but I also have really, really low times where I feel so vulnerable and needy for his affection … for him to “fix what he did.” But I know the truth. I need to put in the work. I just need to get really personal about it, with someone who is willing to take a difficult journey with me. I’m praying for the right counselor/accountability partner. I think I need that to happen within the next month. I don’t know who it will be, but I’m really praying for the right person who has solid wisdom and understanding. But I have a hard time just trusting anyone with the deepest places of my heart. And I don’t want to exhaust my way through a bunch of counselors in order to find the right one. That is torture to me. Anyway, could you pray about that for me? I am continuing to find inspiration and hope through reading your blogs. I’m so grateful for the resource you have been. I’m glad you have kept in touch with me, too. I didn’t want to be a burden or take too much of your time since I know how busy you must be. But, I receive your grace and efforts. Your heart is beautiful and big.
Praying for you, love. So thankful for your heart and willingness to work through this with your husband. You are blessed and loved and beautiful. Don’t ever forget your value to God.
