Letter from a wife:
My husband’s porn struggle came to the surface a few months into our marriage. I guess he couldn’t hide it very long. The problem with us is that he wanted me to participate in it when I found out and he would tell me that he needed to look at porn or magazines before having sex with me because I just didn’t turn him on enough. I gave in because I thought that’s what I needed to do to love him or be the selfless, submissive wife God wants me to be. But it has broken me to pieces. I’m just wondering how long I can go on if he doesn’t want to change. Am I just supposed to stop having sex with him? Should I leave him? Separation? I’ve tried to tell him I don’t feel comfortable, but he’s threatened to leave me if I don’t give in to him and that makes me feel worse, especially because we have small children. I’m just so insecure now and beaten down. I don’t know how I can go on like this. Where is romance? Where is the marriage I thought I had before I found those magazines?
My answer:
Oh, dearest. I know the pain you are going through right now is unbearable, probably worse than childbirth. There’s nothing anyone can say to make you feel better. Your pain is deep and these wounds are so fresh. I wish I could say or do something to take your pain away and make your marriage shine. I wish I could make every marriage in this world beautiful and overflowing with romance. But I can only offer you my prayers and some encouragement based off of my experience.
Many people will have their opinions about what you should or shouldn’t do right now. Some people will tell you that he is cheating and you should leave. Others will tell you not to leave. Some people will tell you to just watch porn with him and learn to enjoy it. Others will tell you the opposite. Some will say let him leave, others would beg him to stay. Some will say leave him and find someone who values you, others will say you’ll never find a man who truly values you.
There are so many opinions out there. I don’t want to be another opinion in the box. But I do want to encourage you by telling you that I admire you for wanting to be selfless and submissive to please your husband. However, I don’t think God asks us to be submissive to our husband’s when it comes to sin. Like I’ve said before, if our husband’s asked us to clearly go against God’s will by murdering someone … does that mean we should do it? No. Because we are to honor God first. Yes, we honor God by honoring our husband’s, but we don’t honoring God by participating in our husband’s sin or encouraging sinful behavior.
I can’t tell you whether or not you should stop having sex with your husband, but I can say that you should protect your heart. Pray about this, deeply. Be on your knees every night. Please don’t participate in unhealthy behavior or things that will prolong/encourage your husband to continue treating other women as objects.
If your husband leaves you because you are standing up for truth I don’t think there’s anything you can do about that. He is a grown man who can make his own choices. Those choices may break you into a thousand pieces, but cling to God. You have a Father who is waiting for you to crawl into His arms and realize just how much you need Him. But standing up for purity, truth, and God’s glory is not wrong. If your husband leaves you over these things then he is in the wrong.
I really hope that is not the case though. I hope that prayer and time and your pain will change his heart one of these days. Sadly, lust has such a grip on some people and has desensitized so many that a lot of men will choose lust over their marriages. They are trained into thinking they have a right to look at women as objects and their wives should deal with it because “that’s how all men are.” Some women even believe this lie. So many women have said to me, “Big deal … all men look. He can look at the menu as long as he comes how to me at night.”
So sad. So very sad to me. I love the beauty of a marriage with two people devoted to serving each other. These justifications of porn/lust are only hurting the intimacy of a marriage relationship, not adding to it. By pushing away our own pain/insecurities because it’s “just the way men are” we are ruining the beauty of our relationships. There can’t be true intimacy if other women and men are constantly between us. Celebrity crushes, lustful images, porn — what happened to seeking pure, beautiful intimacy that is all about being one without having other people in the midst of your marriage and sex life?
Romance is still possible for your marriage, but your husband has to be willing to change. If he is unwilling now I would love him, but don’t encourage him to sin. And don’t belittle him for sin either. God is his judge, not you. You are his wife, his beloved, his crushed flower waiting for a drink of water and a little sunshine. Be honest with your husband, open about your pain. And cling to God if your husband chooses himself over you, your marriage, and your children.
So often we place our husband’s so high in our lives. They take over the place where God should be — first. And in the process they become our source of validation and worth. Please don’t let your husband take God’s place. Look to God for healing, for rest and love during this tough time. Seek validation in Him only. It’s possible for you to smile even as your marriage crumbles to the ground, but that smile will only come from the grace and love of God. Cling to Him. Truly. It’s the best advice I can give anyone going through any horrible time in life. He is the ultimate healer, comforter, friend, and our only true hope.
And He’s waiting to wrap you in His arms and care for you.
