Looking at porn is being unfaithful. Lusting over other women is betrayal. So, when we find out our husbands have betrayed us, lied about it, and possibly continues to do so after admitting it … should we guard our hearts from them?
Yes and no.
We should guard our hearts in one sense. We shouldn’t place our value in his hands — or any hands in the world. Our worth should not be determined by how someone else treats us. And there are boundaries we should maintain throughout the healing process a marriage goes through after a porn addiction is exposed, but these are mainly related to trust.
If I can’t trust you and you aren’t doing anything to regain my trust, then our relationship will be stifled. We cannot have healthy marriages that are one-sided — both people must be willing to work toward healing by laying their lives down for the other person. For men, this means honesty, healing, and a journey toward true purity. For women, this means honesty, healing, and a journey toward true beauty and security that is not placed in our husband’s hands.
The more your husband does to regain your trust, the more you will trust him, and in turn … your intimacy will naturally restrengthen. But guarding your heart completely?
This can be dangerous. By guarding your heart completely you are turning off natural, healthy emotions that are involved throughout the healing process. Your tears, your frustration, your pain — yes, it can be unbearable sometimes, but it’s the truth. There is a difference between guarding your heart in order to regain trust and intimacy, and guarding your heart by building a wall around yourself so no one can hurt you.
That is a lie, anyway.
We get hurt, even if we pretend we don’t. And we should allow ourselves to be hurt. We shouldn’t guard our hearts from pain. Jesus didn’t shield Himself from the torture He endured. No, He endured it for us. He saw beauty in the rain, not just after it. He knew the purpose in the pain, so He pushed forward.
We shouldn’t hide from pain or truth. We shouldn’t build walls around our hearts so that our husband’s can never get back in. Healing involves pain. True recovery after betrayal can be emotionally brutal, but painful truth is always better than lovely lies.
Don’t allow your husband to determine your value. That is not his place in your life. And don’t build walls to avoid pain. You will close off your emotions in so many other areas of your life as well. Instead, be open to pain. Continue to give your husband your heart, even if it hurts. We do not love because we are loved — that would be easy. We love even when we do not feel loved. And while it may hurt — there is no love more beautiful than unconditional love, untainted by the actions of another.
Just because one person breaks their vows doesn’t mean the other person should. True love endures pain for another. True love is selfless. And true, deep love hurts.
But …
It’s worth it. I think the cross proves that more than anything else.
