I just wanted you to know just how much the things you’ve written about George’s pornography struggle have touched my life.
I recently found out that my wonderful boyfriend of over a year has been sneaking around and watching pornography while I’m not home, after I had told him how it made me feel (awful) and asked him not to.
I had suspected that he was doing it again, so I checked his computer’s internet history and saw the sites he had been on just this past Saturday, while I was gone all day shooting a wedding. I confronted him last night, tearfully, and he promised that that was it, and he wouldn’t be doing it anymore. I basically told him that if he did it again, I’d walk away from the life we’ve built together. Enough was enough.
I just question, now, anything he’s ever told me.. and the truth to any of it. Like that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me… I find myself going “Ok, well where’s the ring, then? I’ll believe you when I see it.”
I’m sure you went through the same feelings that I’ve been having. Resentment, fear, anger, and the urge to retaliate. I chalked him looking at pornography as being the same as if I had a guy doing lewd things in our house, but me just watching. It’s the same, hurtful and harmful thing, as far as I’m concerned.
Anyways, I just wanted to see what your thoughts are, or you can offer me any insight as to how to handle the situation in going forward.
My Response:
Thanks for writing. I’m glad those posts have touched you in some way. Honestly, it’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever went through in my life. In retrospect, it’s strange to see it that way since we have come so far, but it was very difficult. Reading your email really sent me back. I can feel everything you are feeling. The good thing for me is that George stopped. But after he stopped, I couldn’t trust him. I mean, I’d freak out if he was out alone. I thought he looked at women all the time.
Fact is, you’re not going to trust him until he regains your trust. You’re not going to believe much of anything he is telling you until you can trust him with your heart. And that’s not going to happen if he’s still looking at porn. But some men are so lost in it, that they really don’t even want to get out of it. They don’t think about it like we do, as women. They don’t compare those women to us and they don’t even think of us in that way (at least most of the time). It’s almost like it’s cut off. It’s a fantasy land. And that’s how they justify it. But it’s wrong and he needs to stop.
The question is…
When? It has to be God. There’s no way a man can quit that stuff on their own or based off of a woman’s swords.
I am a big fan of faithfulness. I am a big fan of … stick by him and get through it. BUT … I’m also a big fan of giving him a nudge in the right direction. If he does it again, give him some time and space to think about how important you are. Don’t do it in anger. Do it in pain. Show him you’re hurt and you can’t deal with it. He needs to know that he cannot “cheat” on you and have it be fine and dandy. Relationships are about unity. They are about love and faithfulness and the very vows you say when you get married. He should protect you and your heart instead of feeding his perversions.
It will take time for him to change. Time and prayer. And it will take time for you to heal. But it is possible. Both of you must be willing to work hard at this. That’s really the key. If he’s not willing … it’s not going to be easy for you. The relationship will be too one-sided and unhealthy.
As far as your heart goes … It’s hard. And it takes a lot of time and work on both his part and yours.
Love and hugs,
Ashley
