I know what you’re going through is super painful. There’s no feeling like that. It feels like your husband doesn’t value you the same way you value him. And that he doesn’t think you are good enough so he needs to satisfy his desires elsewhere. Not every man who looks at porn feels that way though, as hard as it is to feel that truth. I don’t know your husband personally, but many men look at porn and completely separate it from their wives. We (as women) can’t do that. We don’t separate any of it. We compare ourselves to those women and wonder why we can’t hold the eyes of our husbands and be all they need.
It’s tough when he’s making excuses because there’s nothing you can do to make him realize what he’s doing. You have done your part by expressing your pain to him, but the only way he will ever change is if he faces God. Right now he is ashamed or maybe doesn’t want to stop so he doesn’t want the purity of God to illuminate his sin. He wants to stay in the darkness because porn is THAT addictive. It’s truly worse than any drug out there. I only know a handful of men who have truly come to a place of genuine purity in the area of lust. It’s not easy and it must be desired.
It’s sad, heartbreaking, and truly damaging to a wife of a husband who refuses to change in this area. So many people will want to say to you, “You just need to get over it and realize it’s not about you. This is his problem, don’t let it affect your insecurity or value.”
That’s easier said than done. And it’s certainly not easy in a culture that tells us we need to be young and artificially beautiful to be desirable. It’s tough not to compare yourself to every walking female and wonder if your husband is always doing the same thing.
Porn is betrayal. It’s natural for it to cause that tension in your marriage. And your husband must understand that whether he believes it or not … He is choosing another woman over you. That will cause a divide in any marriage where the woman is not trying to cover up her pain by saying, “It’s no big deal. Every man looks.”
Your pain is normal and it may not fade until he decides to be faithful to you and God, but unfortunately for you that is a decision that he must make on his own without pressure from you. The only thing you can do in this situation is love and pray. Tell him to read some things about the truth of what porn stars go through. Not only is he damaging his marriage with you, but he’s also damaging the souls of many other women as well. Porn stars do not love their jobs. They pretend to in front of the camera, but the pain they go through physically and emotionally is even worse than a hurting wife. THAT is something he needs to understand. Think of your pain … It’s unexplainable and very, very deep. It’s hard to imagine someone worse than that, but porn stars are hurt by this too.
He needs to know that his actions are selfish in every way. But this is something that if you choose to tell him needs to be said without anger or frustration, but love. Really the only advice I have for you is to love and pray. It’s all you can do when your husband isn’t on the same page as you.
God will help you get through this as He did and continues to do for me. It’s hard and the pain will take a long time to heal, trust will take a LONG time to rebuild if he chooses to change, but it’s all possible. We just have to believe that God can work wonders in the lives of men addicted to porn.
I’m here to vent to. It’s nice to have someone to talk to, even if it’s just pouring out your pain. Keeping that pain inside is not good!
Hugs from afar!
Ashley
