A few years back George was at work. He had already showed me that he was a changed man, but I refused to let my heart feel what my head saw. When he went to work I’d cry and cry and cry. Through those tears I’d get angry and call him (or write in my journal), “How could you do this to us?” Just how could he have risked our marriage for pornography, for the beauty of other women? What about me? Why did he marry me?
Oh, so many of these thoughts entered my mind and dwelt there. I remember staring out the window through tear-filled eyes. With my baby on my hip I cried out to God, “Will the pain ever go away? It seems to get worse every day. It’s not fair that he’s getting better and I’m getting worse.”
I honestly believed I’d always be suffering. I mean, he worked outside of the home, he had to go out in public, he’d see people for the rest of his life, and he his job is web design, that means pretty pictures of models a lot of the time.
Somewhere along the journey my pain started to lift. Little by little the truth sunk into my heart. And it dwelt there, pushing all the negative thoughts away. Every now and then there’s still a thought, “What if he does it again?”
Before, I’d give into that thought with, “Yes, what if he does? How will I get through that? It would be unbearable. I would distance myself from him and never allow him back into my heart.” This thought pattern would make me suspicious, jealous, and insecure even when I had nothing to feel this way about.
Now, I combat that thought with, “That’s between him and God. I hope he seeks purity and God and turns from the world.” Then, I pray for his purity. I no longer ask him, “Hey, how’s the lust thing going?” Because I don’t want to dwell in the sin. Instead, I try to talk about God as much as possible. In some marriages, this isn’t possible. Your husband rejects God. But remember, that’s what he is doing. He is rejecting God and in turn rejecting you. It’s not just about you.
You can still heal from this, no matter how little your husband changes. Your pain WILL lessen one day if you allow it to. For me, I had to stop allowing negative thought patterns to take over my life. I had to stop dwelling in my husband’s sin (and my own) and seek the purity and holiness of God. The suffering lessens when we see the suffering as a gift, because we know that it brings us closer to God. It makes us more like Him. To live life with joy because everything goes your way and everyone loves you is easy. But to live life with joy because you love God and are willing to suffer for His sake and the sake of others … that isn’t easy. But it is ten times more beautiful.
True joy doesn’t come with a painted on smile. But it does come with peace in the midst of a storm. True joy will lessen your pain. It will offer you a hand and calm the sea. You won’t drown in this pain. Take the hand of Christ, cling to Him, and set your mind on things above. He won’t let you down.
