Dear Hurting Wife,
Healing after I found porn on my husband’s computer, honestly, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever endured. Everything you are feeling right now and everything you felt when you found out, I felt.
My husband George stopped looking at porn, but I still couldn’t trust him. When he left the house alone, I felt like my lungs caved in. Every moment he was gone I imagined the worst scenarios. Gorgeous, barely-dressed girls walking around. His eyes taking in every detail of their bodies. His heart beating, wondering if he’d have more fun with a girl like that?a girl so different from me.
I knew George loved me. He didn’t love the women he looked at. They were in his fantasyland?separate from me. But I wanted to be enough for my husband. I hated that he needed a fantasy world where women looked and did everything he wanted?everything I didn’t do. I wanted to captivate him. I still want this. I want both his eyes and heart. I want to be enough. And I know you want the same.
Please know that I am with you. I have been where you are. The pain and anger, all of the tears soaked into your pillow, the nights you’re too numb to cry?I know. And many other women know what it feels like to be crushed by their husband’s sexual sin, too. We know what it’s like to feel like we’ll never measure up. And we’re not alone. We’re in this together.
Sometimes people tell us to get over it or get used to it. All men look. All men fantasize. As long as they come home to us, that’s all that matters. But this is so far from real love and pure desire?and it’s certainly not romantic.
I don’t know about you, but my wedding vows meant the world to me. When I realized my husband hid his affair with porn, those vows felt like lies. Everything did. It’s heartbreaking to fall in love, be broken to pieces, and then wonder if your love was ever real to begin with.
Sometimes I still wonder if our relationship was real. The love and romance in the beginning. The wedding vows. Was it all fake? Was he looking at porn the night before we got married? Thoughts like this come and go, still, but I don’t dwell on them anymore. I don’t want you to dwell on them either.
Let’s grow together. Let’s surpass these negative thoughts and feelings and let God transform our hearts. My life’s motto is Beauty after Rain. One of the reasons I picked that motto is because my most meaningful times in life, my deepest joys, have come after the most painful circumstances. God carves us, shapes us, and in the process we get cut by the sharpest blades.
George’s lies and lust sliced open wounds that already existed. He went deeper than anyone ever did. I remember crying in bed one night as George slept beside me. The only thing that ran through my head, over and over, was, “He ruined me.”
But porn didn’t ruin me. It didn’t ruin our marriage. I chose to stand up to the lies and say, “My marriage is worth fighting for.”
It’s been a difficult fight. A painful, bloody, but hopeful fight. But if there is one thing I know to be true, it’s that the devil hates marriage. And I wasn’t about to let him have his way.
My hope is that your smile will be genuine and your joy will be complete. I want you to feel what I feel. To know that you can overcome this. Your heart can heal. And you can be content in who God made you to be. You can discover the growth and beauty that comes after the rain.
If I were writing this on paper you would see splotches of smeared ink where my tears have landed. No, that’s not me trying to be poetic. It’s true. I still feel the pain. But listen to me: your heart is precious. So is mine. Through all of this I almost forgot that. But now I know. And I want you to know, too.
YOU are worth fighting for.
If you need someone to talk to feel free to e-mail me. Or leave an anonymous comment on this post if you don’t want to tell me who you are. I’ll answer any questions or talk to anyone about this. When I went through this I didn’t have ANYONE to talk to about it. No one felt my pain. I feel your pain. And I’m here.
Hang in there,
Ashley
