Can you look at a woman once? Is it looking twice that is considered lust? Those things aren’t even questions that should be considered. We can’t just modify behaviors here, we have to have a heart change. A husband healing from a porn-addiction needs to stop wondering what he can or can’t do … and just love God more, love his wife more, love women as creations of God more than just objects. From that … the other things won’t need to be asked, because he will naturally love more and therefore understand the answers to those questions.
As for means of lust … get rid of the TV. And no, I’m not kidding. Why do you have one? The cooking channel? The news? Some other meaningless show that isn’t worth as much as your marriage? There is NO reason a couple struggling to rid lust from their lives and heal/forgive should own a TV. That is one obstacle that will always be in the way if you let it. George and I only have computers (for more reasons than lust stuff) and we use them to watch movies. Our movies are so, so limited because of the content in so many of them.
But George has taken this struggle seriously. He didn’t just expect it to go away by trying to look away or not looking at stuff on the computer anymore. He stopped watching TV and he doesn’t watch movies that have sexual content in them (use pluggedinonline.com to check first). He doesn’t go to the beach during the summer. See what I’m saying here?
He cuts out his eye. He realizes that those “life pleasures” aren’t as important as his marriage or his walk with God. He wants purity, so he seeks it. But he wants purity so much because he has grown to love God so much. And through his love for God he has learned to love me more. Faithfulness isn’t just a side-note in his life anymore — he can’t live without it. He desires faithfulness and purity so much now that I can’t help but notice how much he has changed. I can’t help but trust him.
That’s important. I truly believe that until a man gets to that point, he won’t truly heal. And if he doesn’t truly heal, neither will his wife. If someone has trouble getting rid of a TV, not going to the beach, whatever it takes to rid this thing … then those things are obviously placed too high in their lives — higher than their spiritual condition, their love for God, and their marriage.
Some of these things can be re-visited later, after healing. But in those initial stages? I can’t imagine how any man could own a TV and heal … just don’t see that happening. But maybe there are some amazingly strong men out there who I’ve yet to know.
Also, your husband may be the type to learn on his own (I’m that type of person, too), but this situation is different. He has to be willing and open to hear your feelings/thoughts about this and do whatever he can to make you feel better. Period. This is the only way your trust will come back. He can’t just swim through the waters alone, expect you to heal and forgive, and expect himself to not be eaten by a shark that you warned him about. He has to listen to you. And if he doesn’t want to hear you out and do what he can to mend your wounds … then he can’t expect you to heal or be thrilled about being his wife.
Marriage is about laying our lives down for each other. You put yours down. He puts his down. Through that, true healing and forgiveness will take place.
If your husband is worried about opening up to you because you are getting mad or upset. First of all, don’t get mad anymore and convince him that he can trust you not to. However, if you cry … that’s normal. He can’t expect you to not be sad, upset, hurt, or confused. Those things are normal and he should be willing to see your pain. YOUR pain should be one of the things that leads him to desire true healing, because he shouldn’t enjoy seeing you cry over this. And guess what? It’s normal to cry over this. It’s normal to have insecurities for YEARS after this. I still do.
I told George the other night that I was having a tough day dealing with my insecurities that have been caused by his struggle with lust (and it’s been years since he’s changed). I just told him that I sometimes wish I could look like those women, be like them. He reassured me, and while that never really helps too much … I felt a little better. And talking to him about it and being open helps those insecurities to get out of my mind, instead of building up in there and bursting later.
Honesty is so important. Both you and your husband need to be 100% open with each other. He can’t withhold the truth, his thoughts, struggles, or triumphs from you. And vice versa. Marriage is about being one, not trying to stick together as two separate people. You are one. You need to grow more and more into one. That involves being honest at all times.
Here’s a prayer I’d suggest for both of you:
Lord, help me to lay my life down for my spouse. Help me to see him/her through your eyes. And help me to be selfless, honest, and faithful all the days of my life. I want to be more like you, Lord. Teach me more about you so that I can fall in love with you more and allow that love to overflow into the lives of those around me.
This stuff isn’t easy to get through. I appreciate your desire to learn more, to try to do whatever you can to get through this, and most of all … to not give up. You can get through this. Both of you. Just remember … it starts on the inside, in the heart, and then comes out to things we can see. 
