A guest post from George to men in recovery:
To recognize beauty is not lust. Let me talk a little more about this….
When you are working and keeping vigil not to look at a woman and DESIRE her, or use her as eye candy it can be a difficult time for both you and your wife. The first thing I mentioned (not looking at a woman and desiring her) is lust of the flesh and the second is the lust of the eyes. However, it is impossible to work or be in a public setting and not see other women who may or may not be attractive to you. But it is what you do with it that counts.
In the beginning of your healing process, there is a heightened sense of awareness for both you and your wife. You are registering attractive women all the more because of what you went through. The fact that your wife wants to know who you see also puts it at the forefront of your mind. But what must be done on your part, is that after you initially recognize visual attractiveness … stop it at that. It’s like a fact that you check off, but not a fantasy to be entered into, or a piece of eye candy to gawk at. Don’t turn women into objects. Look at them through God’s eyes. You stop it at the door with, “Yes, this is an attractive woman … so what!”.
Furthermore, I would urge you to begin to train your mind out of this thought pattern. What is physical beauty, anyway? It is a fleeting thing that will not last all of life. (Physical beauty is still something created by God. Flowers are beautiful. Creation is beautiful. But we often look at beauty through eyes of sensuality, eyes of the world, instead of God’s eyes.) What is more praiseworthy and worthy of note are the virtues manifested in the lives of every person. This is what you need to think about all the more. Take time to think about what is great about your wife. The things that are in her that are truly noble qualities.
Lastly, I want to encourage you to be willing to try to do anything you can to make her feel better, however … if your wife is asking you to tell her every detail of every woman you see throughout your day, then she is asking you something that is not reasonable and is the echo of her insecurity. I don’t want to diminish the fact, though, that you should be willing to go the distance. She is fragile, and you really hit her where it hurts.
I want to encourage both of you to turn all the more to Christ. He must be your heartbeat … both for you and your wife. Reflect on the love of Christ for His Church. He gave Himself up for her. The Master became the slave and suffered for the sake of love. You both must follow His lead, but especially you as the husband and head of your household. You need to rise up as Christ … rise up and be humble. Rise up to wash the feet of your wife, and to do all that you can to help heal her deep wounds. No snap of the fingers will do. Your wife needs to turn all the more to find her validation in Christ, but simultaneously, you need to BE CHRIST to her.
