Question from a girlfriend of a porn addict:
I don’t know if it’s an addiction but I have caught him a couple of times and have sensed many others, because I was not looking and when I look I also catch him looking at other girls in front of me. I confronted him on this and he says it’s a guy thing and that all guys do this. It upsets me because I don’t think all guys do this but when he makes excuses I start to believe him sometimes. I can’t seem to pinpoint if it’s me he is no longer attracted to or if it’s just lust. How does one get over this feeling? I don’t dress up anymore and I wear my hair in a bun and my glasses and sometimes I think maybe he is just not attracted anymore because there are eye candy out there. I have been wanting to take care of myself again so I’m slowly doing this and he is noticing not that I want him to notice but it feels good that he does sometimes. I do feel I want him to love me for me and not how I look I have read though that mean think with their eyes. I sometimes feel so depressed when I see him look at other girls in public, it’s like how can you do this to me? In front of me?
My response:
First of all — not all guys do it. So that’s a lie from the devil. Secondly — he is still attracted to you. Porn isn’t necessarily something men do because they are bored with their girlfriends/wives and need to look elsewhere. It’s something men do because they can. It’s as simple as that. Porn gratifies a part of us with an unhealthy, distorted view of sex. When we don’t see sex for what it truly is (through the lens of purity) it can often lead us to unhealthy fantasies, which can lead to porn. It’s not that your boyfriend doesn’t love you or find you attractive, it’s that he likes to watch other people have sex. Of course, no one knows the heart of each individual man. I’m sure some men feel differently about this, but I’m only speaking from the perspective of men I have talked to.
Even as a woman, I understand the draw to porn. There have been times in my life where I watched a good amount of it. Now I see it for what it really is and there’s no part of me that would ever want to watch porn. But for most people in this world (who view sex through the lens the world gives them) they are all about the self-pleasure they experience when watching porn. It’s not natural, but the world has made it seem that way. It’s natural to view intimacy and sex the way God does — as a beautiful union between a married couple that glorifies Him. It’s natural to be turned on by the person you were made to be with … But this world places such an emphasis on sex (Victoria’s Secret commercials, advertisements, tanning salons, etc.) that people can’t help but see sex through that lens. We literally start to believe it’s normal.
You won’t get over the feeling you are having if your boyfriend continues to view sex this way. You can develop a firm security in your own value, and not need his validation to make you feel beautiful … but as far as intimacy with him goes … you will bleed until he makes steps to heal the wounds. It is almost impossible to fully give yourself to your husband when you know he isn’t giving himself fully to you. You are sharing him with porn stars, and that doesn’t make for a healthy sex life. Hopefully, as his girlfriend, you guys aren’t at this stage yet, but if you plan to be married this is so crucial.
I often thought I needed to be like porn stars in bed to keep George’s attention, but that made me feel empty. I wanted him to want me for ME, not because I acted like the filthy movies he filled his brain with. But all of this will take time, trust, healing, and a beautiful reestablishment of true intimacy between the two of you.
As for your own beauty — being beautiful is not about your hair, makeup, or clothes. It’s not about looking like those girls that walk around trying to be sexy … it’s in the way you carry yourself, love yourself, and love others. It’s in the way you LOVE, not the way you look. Outward beauty can disappear with a car accident or age … inner beauty is what separates you from the girls your husband lusts over. Your external beauty may be a gift to lust and the eyes of men, but true inner beauty is a gift to this world, to God, and to yourself.
Your boyfriend shouldn’t look at other girls in public, although it’s very common for men (and women) to lust over the opposite sex whether in public or the television screen. But you can’t change him. You can only tell him how you feel and hope he finds a way out …
You can only change yourself.
Not the way you look, but the way you feel about yourself (naturally) and the way you feel about the crazy lustful stuff going on in this world. It’s possible for you to feel joy, true joy, through all of this … but if your boyfriend isn’t willing to change and doesn’t want to work on gaining and maintaining your full trust it will be more difficult.
Our husbands should love us immensely … and we should love them immensely. That’s how a good marriage survives. Both people are willing to sacrifice for the other, at all times. If you are the only one sacrificing … your heart will keep bleeding until you are gasping for life…
I will be praying for you. Feel free to write me. It’s not easy … But love never is. It’s a fight. A battle. I hope both you and your boyfriend will fight together and win this!
Ashley
