George’s porn struggle came to the surface years ago. We’ve been through some ups and downs, but have come to a place where I can honestly say I love my marriage. I love my husband. And I truly think our relationship is 160% times better than it was before. But I still have my days.
Insecurities still haunt me. The difference now is that I don’t let them sink my marriage, but sometimes they sink my heart. Still. I know some of the websites George looked at so many years ago. Yes, it’s been years, but I remember those websites and still want to go look at them. Sometimes I’ve even given in and compared myself to every leg, arm, face, and body part I see.
Recently, I had one of those days. I didn’t search anything, but I allowed my mind to wonder and remember those images again. They are still painted on the backs of my eyelids as though everything happened yesterday. And being nine months pregnant with our third child … well, all I can say is that I’m not the most secure person in the beauty department.
I want to be. I wish I didn’t remember those images. Even now, years later, all I’ve written on this blog and in my books, you would think I’d be better. You would think I wouldn’t linger on insecure thoughts. But I do. I understand the temptation men face with lust because I’m tempted (even more intensely) to covet.
I still want to be her. The women he looked at. I see them. I know them well. And I want to be them. I’m not them. I’m not like that. And my heart doesn’t want to seek that kind of stuff … but I still fight. I fight because I am weak and still in need of God’s grace.
I’m so thankful I’ve come to a point where I don’t have an emotional meltdown and blame George for my insecurities. Thankfully, I’ve learned to embrace him instead of shutting him out. I need him. I know my insecurities aren’t just there because of what he did. They were there before. And his sin only deepened the wound. Those images — will they ever go away? Will I ever be completely content in myself and stop desiring to look like the women I caught him looking at?
When will I be so wrapped up in Jesus that my insecurities no longer tempt me to hunt down images or imagine what he may have done all those years ago?
I know healing takes a long time. I try to stress that on this blog. But I only wish it could happen overnight. I wish I could get over my insecurities as easily as George’s heart changed toward lust. I wish the world didn’t scrape at my wounds, always trying to make me bleed.
Full healing. That’s what I want. To be completely restored and never allow these insecurities to discourage me again. To be focused on more important things than my physical appearance. Lord, bring your healing to touch to my heart and all of the women reading this blog. We need you more than we know. Set our minds on things above.
