A letter from a wife to a husband who just told her about his porn addiction.
To the man I married, for better or worse,
When I married you and said for worse, I didn’t think you would betray me. I just thought you might get sick, you might be depressed, you might get on my nerves sometimes, but betray me? This has to be the absolute worst of all things that could’ve happened. For so long I loved you intimately. I gave you all of me. I wanted more of you when you would pull away. Now I know why you pulled away. You were looking at other women.
This breaks me to pieces. I mean, I can’t even describe the pain I feel right now. It’s torture. How could you do this to me? To us? To all of the beautiful memories we shared since we met? How could you lie to me all of those years we dated, then kiss me so beautifully on our wedding day?
This hurts. Bad. You don’t know it, but I cry myself to sleep at night every time we turn out the lights. I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. And looking at you hurts too. I look at the hands that used to hold mine and I imagine them masturbating. I look at your eyes and imagine them looking at other women. I look at your body, the body I once curled up into, and I imagine it wanting some other woman’s body. I know lust is a big issue for men, but why did you have to lie to me? The lying hurts so much worse. I thought we knew everything about each other. Now I wonder if I know anything about you at all.
Yes, I have insecurities. You like to use those against me. But my insecurities before you lied to me were nothing compared to what they are now. I know, maybe I shouldn’t put so much on your shoulders. But you are my husband. The one man I gave my life and heart to. You are the only person I wanted to think I’m beautiful … and you have told me in so many ways that I am not beautiful enough for you. I know you say that you don’t compare me to those women and you don’t think of it like that … but I do, okay? I think of it every second of every day. And I know I have my issues, my pride to work through. I’m trying. I really am. But you have to try, too. I’m not asking you to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, I know that’s pride in me. But I am asking you to treat me like the most beautiful woman in your world.
Is that so much to ask? All I want is to be your girl. Your only girl. I want to the one you come to when you want to experience beautiful intimacy. I want to be the one you come to when you are stressed, instead of having you run to the computer to get your fix from some girl doing porn. I just want you to love me. I still love you, even though it’s hard. Sometimes I push you away, but it’s only because it hurts to be near you. Your lies have taken away the beauty of the best thing that ever happened to me. You. Us. This marriage.
I want it back. I want it back and even better than it was when we married. But it’s so hard to see that right now. I can’t trust you. You lied so much. And sometimes you still keep little things from me. That hurts. I want to trust you, but you keep holding back. Let me in, sweetheart. Let me in to the deepest parts of you. I want to be one with you in every way. It kills me that you block me out of certain areas of your life. It kills me that you lie to me, the one person who loves you more than life itself. It kills me that you fantasize about other women when you said such precious wedding vows to me.
I don’t want this fake stuff anymore. I want real love. Forget making me feel beautiful, make me feel like your wife. A valued, treasured gift. And I want to do the same for you. I want to make new memories, ones that are even more beautiful because they aren’t clouded by lies and porn. Ugh. Just saying the world makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide away. But I won’t. I will choose to fight this with you, for you, for me, for us, for God. I want to see you renewed. I want my own heart to be renewed. I’m so tired of avoiding intimacy with you. But I fear it. I fear lies. I fear what goes on in your head. I fear that I may not measure up to the videos you’ve seen.
I fear a lot. And I’m sure you do, too. But if we can just get passed these fears, passed all the negative trash around us, maybe our marriage will see better days.
It’s so hard. Be patient with me. And I will try to be patient with you too. It’s just so hard for me. Everything seems like a dream, a bad dream, the worst nightmare of my life. And I just want to wake up, but it seems to never end. These women, your lies, they haunt me even in my dreams. Help me wake up. And love me through the hard times. The worst times. And maybe soon we’ll be living in the “for better” again.
I love you. It’s not easy to say those words right now. But I know that I’m only hurting this much because I love you so much. Please, fight with me.
-Your wife-
This is a fictional letter I wrote to show what it feels like for a woman to go through this.
Next week we will follow the same pattern as we unravel the heart of a man affected by porn.
