Below are some questions women have asked about men and our answers.
Why does he tell me he’s changed, but then I see him looking at other women in public? How can I believe he’s changed if he’s still doing that?
ASHLEY:
I always say this: There will be things that your husband will think are not important to your healing, but you may believe they are. If you want him to ground up chicken liver and stick it in his ears to help you heal, he should do it. If it’s important to you, it’s important to your marriage. Of course there are some limitations to this and a wife should be loving and gentle in what she desires her husband to do, never seeking her own desires, but seeking the restoration of her marriage (and her heart and his). And while we can ask our husband’s to do little things for us like be watchful of where they go, etc., it’s a little impossible to expect him never to see other women. However, seeing and looking are two different things. Going, “Oh, there’s an attractive woman. The end,” is a lot different than going, “Ooooooh, look at that.” You know what I mean? If he still sees other women, you can’t distrust that he is changing, but if he’s still looking intentionally, obviously he hasn’t truly changed. Be honest with him. Tell him your feelings. You can’t judge his heart, but you can talk to him about his heart.
GEORGE:
This can vary from person to person. In one case, he may be telling you the truth according to how he sees it. He may not be changed to the fullest extent of his change, but he may have changed a great deal from where he once was. He may be striving much more to protect himself, even if he does slip and look at other people in public. It doesn’t mean he has the same intent, but if this is the case you should gently remind him, “I trust that you’re not taking these thoughts beyond what you notice in public, but I just want to say that it doesn’t necessarily make me feel comfortable that you still have the tendency to look at other women.” If he is a man headed in the right direction and you treat this with gentleness, he should respond in a decent matter. But if he is very sensitive in this, he may feel caged and respond negatively as though the “watchful eye” is always on them. In another case, he may say he has changed a great deal more than he actually has. So, he could be lying to himself or to others, but you can’t know that for sure, even if you see an action that implies so. Part of this process for both is to build trust — it takes faithful actions on a man’s part, and a woman has to give trust in order to add confidence to his battle. A woman who doesn’t trust because a man isn’t gaining her trust through faithful actions needs to be honest, show him that she believes that he desires to change, but she isn’t at ease with his current actions. What she sees isn’t lining up to what he is saying in her eyes, even if he truly believes that it does.
Why do men lie so much throughout this process?
ASHLEY:
The same reason I lied to my parents when I was high and they asked if I was smoking pot. I said I wasn’t to protect myself. I didn’t want to be punished. A lot of men lie because they know the truth hurts. Even when the initial act of betrayal comes out, they may still keep tons of other things they’ve done (or continue to do) out of your mind and heart. Sometimes this can be because they don’t want to hurt you, other times it can purely be out of their own selfishness of wanting to either continue in the act or to keep themselves from being yelled at by their wife. My suggestion to you, as a wife, is to give him no reason to blame you for his lies. If you are always gentle (hurt and not angry) when he confesses something, then if he lies he can’t say it’s because of your reaction, he will have to own up to his issues.
GEORGE:
That’s a funny question, and I should start off by saying, “Why do they lie so much in the first place?” As mentioned in previous posts, men are turned into cowards when they look at porn. They want to protect. There’s that instinct in there. But it’s used for evil when truth isn’t spoken. It’s another distortion and a lie of the enemy that’s in action. They lie because they’re afraid. To hurt. Of the consequences of the hurt. They don’t want it to be true of them, even if it is. They lie because they don’t want to be exposed. In some cases, depending on the man, maybe he doesn’t really care or doesn’t want to change. He just wants to lie so he can continue on with his life and appease his wife in a false reality. If that’s the case, it’s going to come back and bite him in the end.
He says he’s changed and expects me to change overnight. Why doesn’t he realize how much this hurts me and that it’s not an overnight kind of thing?
ASHLEY:
Men can’t possibly understand the level of pain this causes a woman. I think George saw it once when I collapsed on the floor and cried hysterically for at least three hours. As my body convulsed in pain, I think he saw it. He could only sit there and watch. But he still didn’t understand the searing pain in my chest, literally. The feeling of being ripped apart and thrown in the trash. The idea of my reality being completely shaken and twisted so that I no longer knew what reality was. He didn’t know. He still doesn’t know. I can’t expect him to know and feel my pain, but I do think men need to be understanding and try to put themselves in the shoes of their wives. The more honest we are with our husband’s, sharing with them our deepest insecurities, wounds, and pains, the more they will understand why this is so hard for us. Sometimes it was easier for me to write these things in a journal and share them with George a week later after I had written them. This way I expressed those deep hurts, but didn’t get angry with him when he didn’t understand. Instead, he could read my pain after the emotional storm subsided in my heart.
GEORGE:
He doesn’t mean that he wants it to change overnight. If he understands a woman in the slightest degree, he knows that she is a fragile creature. If he doesn’t know this, he ought to. What he might be saying more than change “overnight” is change how you’re handling everything. If he is trying and changing, you know, he’s looking for the help of his wife to not be at odds with him all the time, causing him to feel like he’s unable to complete the task or see it coming to a better day. So he may be saying, “Hey, I need your support. I know that you are still hurt, but I really need your help. How you deal with this helps me deal with this better.” Also, he may want to get back to a life where both of you are happy. None of us should want our days to be days of self-pity and woefulness. We should aim for a positive direction in our marriages.
What is lust? He seems to think he’s not lusting when he sees a provocative woman in public, but my instincts tell me he is.
ASHLEY:
Sometimes our instincts are right. Sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes our insecurities rule our “instincts.” And this can drive us nutty. We can start to believe all kinds of things that aren’t true. I remember when George went to work (he worked in a very public setting and saw tons of women every day), I would cry all day long. I imagined him looking at so many women and I knew, just knew, that he was comparing me to them. So when he got home I would question him. What did you see? What color hair did she have? What color eyes? What, you don’t remember? Yes, you do, that’s a lie. Tell me. Tell me everything. You really don’t remember? Well, tomorrow, you better remember or I’m leaving. These are literally things I said to him. I begged him to go to work the next day and come home with details of pretty women he saw so that I could compare myself because my “instincts” told me that he was doing the same thing. He wasn’t. Oh, how I bruised our marriage back then with my insanities. Lust isn’t seeing, it’s what we do when we see. We have another post about this here.
GEORGE:
One type of lust (of the flesh) is to actually desire to posses something — money, fame, women, success, material possessions. Another type of lust (of the eye) is the desire to consume with the eye, to take in other people’s bodies or sexual acts beyond the normal recognition of noticing another person is attractive. Basically, the difference between seeing and taking in. Seeing isn’t necessarily wrong. We all see attractive people and things, it’s what you do with what you see that counts. It’s completely absurd for anyone to expect for their spouse to never see attractive people as long as they live. But to recognize someone as attractive does not mean you are committing a sin. To men, don’t allow yourself to stare at people or intentionally look. It’s a bad habit that needs to go away. Learn to see women differently, as human beings with hearts. Every woman in this entire world is beautiful, regardless of what the world thinks. We need to learn to see in this way.
What can I do to support my husband when I am still hurting and he’s trying to change? What should I not do?
ASHLEY:
Pray for him and with him. Love him. Unconditionally. It’s not easy to support someone who has completely ruined your life (or so you feel at the time). It’s not easy to love him when you feel like he doesn’t love you. And sometimes, your love doesn’t even make a difference. He might just leave you anyway. Sometimes love, real, true, faithful love, blinds people. It’s too much for them. Too beautiful. Too radiant. So they run from it. It exposes the ugly, dark places in their own hearts, so they don’t want to be around real, beautiful love. So, your love may not produce the results you want, but you can’t love him in order to change him. Just love him because you love him, because God loves you and loves him regardless of actions and unfaithfulness. What that love looks like depends on you and your husband and your individual lives. But you can love him, be there for him, be honest, gentle, and also bold. Don’t let him treat you like trash. If he’s looking at other women in public, nudge his arm and tell him you love him, but you miss being the only woman in his life. You can’t change his reactions, but you can change your own actions. When you are hurt by something, respond in love, not anger. Anger is just an ugly mask for pain to wear when pain is too afraid to show its tears. Let the tears roll. Sometimes loving him is simply showing him your unmasked pain.
GEORGE:
Pray for him, number one. Never stop praying for him, because the world is posing such a threat and a battle for him and it’s not an easy one. Secondly, devote yourself to actively loving him by telling him that you believe he can accomplish this through God. Make known your prayers to him. Do not abandon him. That will not help him, it will hinder him. It will hurt him. Do not badger him or seek to get every answer to every little question, instead be honest and say, “I just want you to know that these thoughts plague me a lot. I don’t feel good when you walk out of the house. I try not to allow these things dictate reality. They may or may not be true, and I have lots of questions I want to ask you, but I’m not sure they are the best to ask. But this is hard for me. I’m trying to trust you, but I’m still so weak. I am fighting so many thoughts and feelings. I want this to work, but it’s not easy for me.” Be honest with him. Tell him your fight, instead of fighting with him. Tell him to confess something that he feels he needs to confess, and that you won’t get angry, but you will be hurt. You may cry, but you won’t make him sleep on the couch. This gives him a safe place to confess his actions.
It’s really hard for me to let him hold my hand again, much less kiss me or make love to me. Is this important to him and his healing? How can I trust him again with intimacy if I can’t trust him to be faithful to me? I don’t want to make love to him if he’s thinking of other women….
ASHLEY:
Toughy. There were times I wanted George to hold my hand and be as far away from me as possible in the same minute. I think we crave that intimacy, naturally, with our husband’s. But we fear it. Oh, how we fear it. We fear what he’s thinking. We fear him thinking about other people. We want to be the only one he thinks about. The only one he sees. The only one he’s making love to. I think it’s good to wait a little bit before we jump back into intimacy. I think both husband and wife should seek to understand true intimacy. They should learn more about what sex really is and how to glorify God in the bedroom. Yep, God should not be absent from the bedroom. When He is … that’s where the problems come in. Bring God back into the bedroom and intimacy will naturally happen. Don’t force it. Don’t make love to him dishonestly because he is begging you for it. Come to a place where you honestly desire to make love again. You will know when the time is right.
GEORGE:
None of this is about what one wants or doesn’t want to do. If both husband and wife are determined to do what is right in this case, then we can answer this question with, well, we don’t feel like fighting, but what does love call us to do? In this case, wife, love is calling you to step outside of what is comfortable of you and fulfill the vows of the “better or worse.” You are in the worse part. I’m not sure if anything could be worse for a wife. So fulfill those vows and love your husband. Forgive him daily and express love to him daily. There may be a time where you ought to refrain from intimacy for prayer and fasting, but the two must agree. There is a time during this healing process in the very beginning where a wife needs time to heal, but the longer we keep intimacy at bay, the harder it is to get it back.
I’m doing everything I can to help him, but he’s not changing, he’s getting worse. What am I doing wrong?
ASHLEY:
I don’t know your situation, but I do know this: you could be doing everything wrong and it shouldn’t make a difference to your husband. A true heart change will happen for him regardless of how his wife is acting. George continued to change when I was pretty much pushing him away, wanting a divorce, and being a mean, mean person. He kept going. That’s a true heart change. You can’t change him and you can’t make him worse. He may blame you for his actions, but he’s just not strong enough to admit his weaknesses yet. But he can blame you all he wants, but it’s not your fault. So stop basing his actions of your own. You will feel like a failure if you do so. Just pray for him, stand true to faithfulness, and pray that one day he will see the light.
GEORGE:
Nothing. It takes two. Sometimes the man isn’t willing to enter the fight, he’d rather fight for himself. He may not desire recovery. This isn’t an excuse to abandon your post, however. Faithfulness isn’t necessarily something that will be reciprocated. If you love and are truly faithful, you will do it without receiving it in return. If you are doing all that you can, continue to and believe and trust in God. If he leaves in this case, then it’s not your fault. Your actions cannot change him, but God can change his heart if he is willing. You can do everything right or wrong, and it shouldn’t affect your husband’s outcome. He should be seeking to change regardless of your actions, that is a true heart change. A wife can help or hinder this change, just like a husband can help or hinder his wife’s healing, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be healing and he shouldn’t be changing regardless.
How can I believe that he loves me when he still looks at those commercials, chooses to watch TV even though I don’t want him to, and argues with me about every little thing that I want him to do to make me feel more comfortable? How is that love?
ASHLEY:
I think George’s answer below is good. Some men may think they are loving, when in fact they aren’t really loving. But in a sense, we can’t blame them because they are loving to the only extent they know how. They need to understand love in a fuller sense. To know God’s love for them. When we don’t comprehend how much God loves us, how can we possible love others like He loves us? And that is what we are after here, in our marriages and our relationships, sacrificial love. We should be willing to lay down our lives for each other. That’s what you want from your husband. You want him to regain your trust by getting rid of the TV for a little bit (maybe not forever, just until you are comfortable with it again), but he’s not willing. Pray for him and demonstrate this sacrificial love in your own life so that he can see an example. Maybe he’s never seen an example before. Be that example. But I always say this, too: you can love, you can be faithful, and you can forgive, but if he’s not regaining the trust he’s broken, you cannot trust. Trust comes when he actively regains it.
GEORGE:
Well, you may be dealing with a man who has a concept of love that is a little off. But maybe, in some slim way, he really does believe that he loves you and really does love you to the fullest extent that he knows how. But that doesn’t excuse him from the fact that he’s not being successful in this relationship. He’s not being a servant. And yet, you have the opportunity as a wife to deeply encounter Christ by suffering and serving in the midst of a situation where you do not feel appreciated and loved. It’s not going to be easy and you may not be successful all the time, but to the glory of God you have the opportunity to be selfless when someone doesn’t love you. That is truly a beautiful person right there. Your husband is still living in lies and deception. He’s not your enemy, even though you feel that way so much throughout this. He’s just acting through the enemy’s lies. He’s wrapped in a ton of chains, so he may truly believe that he is loving, even though there is no sacrificial love happening from his end. He just can’t see it. He’s blind to it. He can restore his “sight” through God when he truly desires to.
How can a man truly change and how do I know when he has?
ASHLEY:
It will be unmistakable. You will see your husband light up. You will see the man you married that beautiful day that you nearly regretted sometimes, except he will be even better than before. Yes, he’ll still make mistakes in one way or another, but you’ll see the light of Jesus in Him. I know some people don’t want to hear that and some people think Jesus is a bunch of baloney, but I don’t believe change exists without Jesus. A man can transform his outward actions all he wants. We can clean the outside of our cups all we want. But a true, inward transformation only happens when we allow Jesus into our hearts and stop hiding from Him. When a man lets go of control and gives his life to God, he will see change and so will you. This area has been kept locked away in the closet of his life for so many years. It’s going to hard to clean out the closet and give the bag of trash to Jesus to toss away. But when your husband does this … Jesus is going to give him a new bag to carry. It’s so much lighter and so much more beautiful and it has the handwriting of Jesus written all over it. When this burden is lifted … there will be change, true change, and the outside of the cup will sparkle like it never has before. This, I think, applies for both husband and wife. 
GEORGE:
God changes the hearts of men. A man needs to let go. And at the same time stop hanging on to all of his former ways and preconceived notions, let go of all that he’s trying to protect for his own interest, and allow God to do the work of changing his heart in the most profound ways. He has to draw near to God and he can do this by having a true desire for the things of God. There is a difference between reading your Bible and reading your Bible with love and passion. It’s even beyond that. It’s having the right frame of mind, knowing that you are helpless in the midst of this. The poor in spirit that Jesus mentions in the beatitudes means that you recognize your utter dependence of God. You. Cannot. Do. Anything. Without. Him. Once a man recognize this, he is now able to fully submit himself to the rule of God in His life. And that is profound. In all things, God will be glorified. So, you will know that he has changed because you will not be able to miss it. It’s something that time will prove to be true. Over and over his actions will be undeniable through the course of time.
