This is the worst pain you’ve experienced in your life and he wants you to “get over it.” I can’t tell you how many times I heard those words from all sorts of people. And the classic statement, “I’ve changed. Why can’t you forgive me and move on?”
So, so irritating.
“How can I just move on after you completely ruined our marriage? I don’t trust you. I don’t know what to do. This is horrible. I can’t sleep at night. I don’t even want to leave the house because I feel so unattractive. I feel DEAD inside. DEAD, do you hear me? How can I just move on?”
The answer is easy. You can’t. And he doesn’t understand. And here’s the real kicker. No matter how much you explain it to him, no matter how much you try to express your pain and why you can’t just get over it in one night, he will never really, truly understand. He can’t. He is a man. Designed and wired to complete you, not to be you. God is the only one who will understand you and all of your pain, even more than you understand yourself. So, what do we do?
Recently, I’ve told women to start a journal to Jesus. Write to Him and tell Him how you feel. Invite your husband to read the journal whenever he desires to. This way he can try to understand your pain without feeling accused or put down in the process. It’s an invitation into your secret thoughts, instead of a conversation where you end up pointing fingers at each other.
Also, let go of your need and expectations that he MUST understand you. He can have compassion and be sensitive to your heart (and he should be, even though most men aren’t for a very long time), but he may never truly understand what you’re going through and you need to be at peace with that. There shouldn’t be a “need” for him to understand you, just a need for him to be your rock and not your quicksand. For him to help, instead of hinder. The more you seek to make him understand, the more agitated he is going to get, because he can’t comprehend how this has affected your soul.
He can try, and sometimes he may get close, but the emotions and torture you have gone through and may still be going through are so deep that it’s impossible for him to “get it.” Instead, write in your journal and hope that through your gentle words to Jesus, that your husband may begin to understand that this is a tough battle for you, more difficult than his battle with lust. And you are trying to forgive and move on, but it takes time. And it takes time to rebuild trust.
My best friend is going through this right now and her husband seems to have no real desire for God or change. She sticks through this and forgives, desiring to see her marriage restored. She endures more than most women I talk to–from physical abuse to emotional torture. Yesterday I imagined her as a battered princess trapped in the basement with no way out. She wants her prince to fight for her, to find her and rescue her, to make her feel safe. But instead he would rather go about his own way, enjoying life the way he used to, going out and making her feel even more alone and sad. He puts himself above her and leaves her in the basement, occasionally dropping her some food or water, but never a hand out, or arms to be held in. He doesn’t fight for her. It’s too difficult, too humiliating, too painful–so he gives up and gets angry that she’s in the basement in the first place. Meanwhile, she cries herself to sleep in the basement, still hoping for her prince to come through for her.
He needs to fight for you. He needs to get you out of the cold basement and hold you in his arms, no matter how much you fight against his embrace. He needs to hold you there until his embrace is no longer cold and warms every inch of your body.
Is he willing? Is he able to fight for you?
If so, count yourself blessed, even if he doesn’t understand the pain you are going through. If he isn’t willing to fight just yet, try to look through your own pain and see his wounds. Bandage the wounds of your fallen soldier and help him get up and fight for you. We are in this together. We have to help our men fight, no matter how hurt we are. And they have to help us out of the basement, no matter how hurt they are. We need to stop looking for excuses to be justified in our own pain, and look for reasons to fight for each other. Let’s stop trying to make each other understand and instead … make each other feel loved. Regardless of how unloved we feel.
Live for others. Just as Christ Himself did. This Friday is the day He died for us. Giving His life for the very people who said they would never betray Him, and then did. For the people who spit in His face and called Him a fake, blaming Him for something He never did. The day He showed that giving love is more important than being loved. If only we could all follow in those footsteps every day of our lives … then anger would have no place in our marriages. Only love.
