Letter from a wife:
My husband’s lustfulness/porn addiction was a huge stumbling block for our entire marriage … heading toward 14 yrs now.
Although he has always been a striving, believing Christian (as I am) I know his eyes were half-shut to this issue. The devil was able to keep him asleep concerning the whole picture: just how evil/sinful porn is, how much it affected me, how much it affected himself and his soul and the world around him. Then, recently God opened his eyes — truly, wide awake. Yet, with all of the pain and shame that entails, it is still a “happier” (more at peace) husband that I see. I am beyond thankful for the “new eyes” I see in him, yet all is so new, so different. I still need to learn to discern between my own thoughts and the devil’s.
I found out about his porn struggle soon after we married. It shocked me to my core. I thought I married a “good” Christian man (yes, I was young and naieve!). I also foolishly thought I was “all that” … I thought since I had been sought-after by other men that this man whom I married would be the apex of all loving feelings. I really did think I was his whole world. I really did think he had eyes for no one but me, that to him no other girl could compare — especially since that was certainly the way I thought of him!
It seems so foolish now. I can see how the enemy had both of us trapped in a superficial understanding of what true married love really is. Back then, however, the discovery of his lustfulness for other women (real, images, etc.) shocked and hurt me to my core. I remember saying, “It wrecked me.”
And so it did, in a way. It put my naive, vain assumptions under forever. It forged a broken, timid, worthless, depressed woman out of me, where once had been vibrant beauty and confidence.
Each episode through the years (magazines, videos, online, etc.) only diminished my self esteem/image even more. He would feel convicted/guilty and confess to me, then beg forgiveness. I went through all of the emotions — rage, shame, horror, disgust, and hurt/pain/suffering beyond belief, yet each time reached a semblance (I thought) of forgiveness. This began to affect my faith. I became colder and confused. Before long I found myself escaping into a virtual world of friendships on the internet. Yes, you can see where this is headed.
I had a virtual affair. I still can’t believe it all happened. It was such a departure from my “normal” self, my usual lifestyle of morality and integrity. My online paramour was kind, intelligent, attentive, funny, and … married. It makes me ill to see what the devil did. Yet it was wildly enthralling — he found me sexy and beautiful, he provided the salve to my much-beaten ego.
Yet it was sin … awful sin. It ate at my conscience until I broke down and told all to my husband one night. The tables turned. Now I was the one begging forgiveness and he was the one to feel shock, pain, anger, and betrayal. Yet — and I still can hardly grasp this — he forgave me. That is when I first truly “knew” Christ, I think … when I had been brought so low, when all I could do was beg at His feet. Stripped of all my self-conciets, bare of any righteousness save His own.
Then, then … we both began to awake. My husband, myself … all through a Grace we can scarcely comprehend. I saw how awful I had been all those years. Our marriage has actually been strengthened through this crucible of pain … both of us have a renewed love and zeal, and the devil will NOT win! HE WILL NOT BREAK UP ANOTHER MARRIAGE. With God all things are possible. I will fight for my marriage, hand-in-hand beside my long-suffering mate. Our children will not suffer a broken home.
Thank you for listening, and thank you for this blog. Reading it has helped us stay “right–minded,” and to not feel so alone. We still have a lot to learn.
Thank YOU for this honest, heartfelt letter. I’m so thankful for women who share their stories on this blog, showing all of us that we are not alone in the things we have gone through and, for some of us, continue to go through. Your words at the end are beautiful. “He will not break up another marriage!” And that you will fight, hand-in-hand, with your beloved. May it be true of all of us! 
