A response I recently wrote to a hurting wife:
First of all, you said in this letter: I don’t want to have to fight to be enough for my husband. Then you said, I have to fight. I don’t think this is true. You don’t have to fight to be enough for your husband. There is nothing you can do to make him stop looking at other women. As far as his struggle with lust goes and you being enough … there is no fight for you. Your fight is something different. It’s for your marriage, for him, and for yourself … but it’s not to be enough or get him to stop. That is beyond your control.
There really is no reason you should trust him right now. (Although it is GREAT that he told you without you having to pry it out of him, you should at least trust him in the sense of being honest when he does fall.) In your particular situation, he hasn’t proven to you that he is trustworthy, and lust obviously still has such an intense grip on him that he couldn’t stop himself from looking again when given the opportunity. He has to come to a point where his heart is changed and those internet filters aren’t even necessary even if they are being used. That will take a long time, probably. And it will take a long time for you to even trust him without it.
Again, his heart has to change.
You will probably deal with these insecurities like a rollercoaster. Some days they will be horrible, other days you may feel better. I still deal with them, but not to the intensity that I used to (what you’re probably going through now in the early stages).
I don’t miss those days!!!
Also, I wanted to let you know that your sex life could be great and even imitate “porn sex,” and a man could STILL seek that stuff out. It’s so much deeper than that. It really doesn’t matter if he has the most amazing wife in the world in every way. He could even be with a porn star and he’d still want it. That’s just how it is. Sometimes it’s not even about the women (the women are just the objects). It’s so hard to understand everything, but it really isn’t about YOU.
I definitely know what you mean about wanting to be in love with him, wanting that romance back, and not having to pretend. I felt the same way. I thought romance was fake and I’d never have it again. Now, I think our romance is 5,000 times better. So I know it’s possible to overcome this and get back to having that beautiful romance again. Time, time, time is what it takes. And lots of work on both sides.
It’s just going to be so hard for you to receive his affection right now. Because when he touches you your mind will bring up pain. His touch reminds you of pain and all of the things you consider to be your flaws right now. But that will change if he is truly walking in the recovery process. One day you’ll even believe him when he tells you how beautiful you are. You may not feel anything when he hugs you for a long time. All of these things take so much time and work from both sides.
But what I want to remind you is that your insecurities are just as much of an issue here as his struggle with lust. The devil knows this completely, that’s why he gets so many marriages to fail because of this. So while you are praying him through his battle with lust, make sure you pay attention and pray for your own heart as well. Women have so many insecurities when they come into a marriage, which is why they often expect their husband’s to make them feel like enough, or make them feel so secure in their beauty and who they are. But he can’t be that for you. No human can be that for another human. We don’t see each other through the eyes of God at all times, and this can often lead to selfish behavior, which leads to the other person feeling inadequate in some way.
But you need to realize your worth and value in God’s eyes, separate from anyone in this world’s eyes. It is the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it’s changed me so much that if George fell into lust again at this point … It would not affect me nearly as much. My security, beauty, and worth lies in God’s hands. It doesn’t always though. I still have my bad days. I still want to be beautiful in the eyes of the world (sexy, wanted, all that). I still want to be enough to my husband and struggle with thoughts like, “Why did he ever have to look at someone other than me?” I still wonder sometimes what he has seen, if those thoughts randomly show up in his head, etc. But it’s so different now. The insecurities don’t eat me alive. They are more easily dismissed now. And instead of listening to them … I listen to truth.
You need to find that truth in your own life and hold onto it with all you have. Guard it, guard your heart—don’t let the world damage your heart. This doesn’t mean don’t get hurt. It just means … when you are hurt, don’t let it determine your worth or value. Don’t let other people and their actions tell you that you are inadequate in any way. God made you the way you are. The world will always make you think you need something you are lacking to be better, beautiful, or enough. But God says, “I made you. You are perfect the way you are.” Rest in the beauty He gave you!
I wish you could receive a 100% guarantee that your husband would never look at porn or lust over another woman again. I wish I could have that guarantee. But we can’t. We can’t be guaranteed that people in this world will always love us like God wants them to. We can’t even guarantee that to others. We can strive to love like God, but we will never be God. We should always be loving others above ourselves, but sometimes we don’t. You cannot hold those expectations on your husband and he can’t expect you to heal completely anytime soon or trust him fully for a long time. It’s not about expectations in this. It’s about loving selflessly and growing together by getting through this obstacle. Do whatever you can to love each other, not whatever you can to love yourselves. Know what I mean?
You said how do I begin to receive and believe his love for me? You don’t focus on this. You simply allow him to love you. Don’t push him away when he hugs you, but don’t expect yourself to feel anything right now either. Don’t focus on yourself. Instead, focus on him. You said, how do I start to give him my love and affections? You just start. Right now. Even when someone hurts our hearts, we are to love. Love overcomes all things when it is done in the right spirit. The right spirit is not to receive something in return. And we know that loving people when they stab our hearts is a much, much deeper love than loving people when they love us. So love anyway. Let love overcome this. And talk to him about this. Make sure he is on the same page, loving you with all he has.
It’s good for him to know how much this hurts you. That is honesty. Don’t hide your tears. Let him be the one who holds you and feels you tremble over this. Let him taste your tears on your lips. Let him be your best friend, which he still is and always has been. It’s good for him to feel your pain, but it’s not good to make him feel horrible about himself. Support him, don’t discourage him. Love him, don’t seek revenge.
Focus on God, not yourself, your own pain, or your husband’s actions. And love. Things will get better over time. Even if your husband never changes, your heart can change and heal. It’s possible, although difficult. But it will happen if you draw near to your King.
Let Him hold you through this. He’s there, even if it feels like He’s miles away.
