A guest post from my husband, George, in response to an email from another man seeking purity.
When my struggle with porn and lust came to the surface, it sent Ashley into a long downward spiral. More than that, the enemy of our souls severely attacked me. Every lie possible flung into my mind (which is where much of the battle rages). Whispers of “you are not good enough… you will never be a faithful man” haunted me on a daily basis. But, by the grace of God — His very presence in my life — I was able to continually cry at His feet. I begged for mercy, begged for the sake of my marriage, and begged that He would strengthen me.
Not only did I beg for these things, but I decided to take every blow of the enemy in my mind and in my marriage and turn it into an opportunity to worship. The enemy is no fan of worshiping God. It is sort of the opposite of what he hopes to achieve by tempting us and lying to us. Every moment of fear and pain, I went before the feet of Christ and affirmed what is true about him. I decided to join in the heavenly chorus of “Holy, Holy, Holy” and praise Him for His glory. I would do this in the quiet and out loud. Kneeling on the floor of a public bathroom where I worked when I felt attacked. Tears and prayers poured out, and so His blessing poured out too.
If your aim is to see your wife’s attitude toward you improve, you are aiming at the wrong thing. I am not saying she will never change and trust you again, but that could be the case. Do everything to honor God … seeking first His kingdom. Everything else will come later. But all of your efforts must be for Him, then for you and your wife secondly. If she does not positively respond, do not give up hope … God is bigger than all of this, as you know.
Give Him thanks, even for these struggles. Yes, even for these struggles. You are now engaging in the working out of your salvation with fear and trembling. Be determined to be a true man of FAITH — fullness and purity for the love of God, and pray that your wife would also be changed by His work in her own heart.
More fights will probably come, but be humble since your own sin opened this Pandora’s box. Do not defend yourself, but continue to lay yourself down. Remember how much she is hurting because of your struggle with lust. Remember that her world has been shaken, torn to pieces, and her heart is confused and doubtful about your sincerity and love.
Do not leave the house, or her, even if she demands you to get out. I made that mistake too many times when Ashley asked me to leave, but really she wanted me to fight for her. This is a time for you to fight for her in every way you can possibly think of. Yes, she should be fighting for you too. Both of you should be fighting for the restoration of your marriage. But because this began with your unfaithfulness, you must fight hard for her even if she is not fighting for you yet.
It took Ashley awhile to get to that point, and I made a few mistakes by giving in or leaving the house when she was broken to pieces. Fight for her. Don’t give up. Show her the love of Christ, by being her servant and being willing to suffer with and for her. Learn to understand her heart in all of this. Ask her how she feels more than you describe your own heart.
This is a dark and difficult hour. Ours lasted 2.5 years, I think. That is a long dark hour, but love prevailed and the Lamb of God won all over again. There cannot be excellent fruit brought forth from a tree unless the Master of the orchard prunes the trees. You are now being purged of a sin. Submit that sin to Him and allow Him to purify you in this way. The Christian life is one where we must welcome suffering. The Lord in His grace has chastened you and is giving a real opportunity to draw near to him and away from the world and from sin. A true blessing.
Finally, I do offer a few things to do for your own good. I believe a man with the sin of lust has a fire burning in him that is caused by many things, but one thing that certainly doesn’t help to put the fire out is more images that are sticks in that fire. Hopefully you have already started doing this, but here are a few thoughts:
- Stay away from locations that have sexual imagery (the mall, video stores etc.).
- Get rid of your TV if you must. Your computer. Your internet. TV and movies are not necessities, nor are they as important as your marriage or purity of heart. If you have to purge them from your life for a little while, be willing to do whatever it takes.
- Be mindful of the movies you watch. Use Plugged In Online to view content of movies before you watch. And be more sensitive to sensual images that the world tries to make us believe are no big deal. There are some small sticks thrown in your fire that may be hard to see. Be watchful for every little stick.
- Be constantly in prayer in the quiet of your own mind and heart even in public … the enemy is so close, and desires to deceive and tempt you.
- Do not allow your eyes to linger on anyone or anything that could throw another stick in the fire.
- Guard your relationship, by creating a safe environment (be careful where you go by yourself and together).
- Decide now to spend very little time away from your wife.
Finally, I want to offer you my care and concern for the welfare of you and your wife. My prayer for you both is to find healing and freedom to live in the beauty of life as a married couple in Christ. Marriage truly is beautiful, and I stand as a testimony to the fact that even greater beauty and love is to be found on the other side of the mess that you are both going through.
Christ is faithful even when we are not. You have been unfaithful. But we commit sins against God and each other and crimes against the virtue of love. Many are the reasons for our sins, but none of them justify any of us. We all must repent and turn towards the Father, who through Christ and the work of the Spirit will strengthen our weak love.
Again, my prayers are with you and your wife. Continue to walk in the newness of life in Christ Jesus who for the sake of the world suffered and died and rose again that we might have abundant life in His name. May He grant you peace and comfort during these trials. He is indeed faithful, kind, compassionate, loving, merciful, gracious and able to keep you from stumbling.
