Two days of brief conversations passed until I finally opened up to Jessie. He came to bed, late as usual, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d been looking at those women again. I tried to roll over and ignore him, but I wanted to probe his brain for details my heart didn’t want to hear.
“How many times did you look at porn?” I finally said, still not facing him.
“About three or so. I can’t remember.”
“You can’t remember?”
“Ally, it’s not like I try to remember every detail when it happens. It just happens.”
“Promise me it was only three times since we were married.”
“I don’t know. It was about that.”
“Did you ever rent videos or buy magazines?”
“No.”
I believed him, but had to be sure. “Promise.”
“I promise.”
Then I tried to forgive him, but could only nod when he asked if I could forgive and work through everything.
Honestly, fear birthed my forgiveness. Fear of what people would think of me, what kind of Christian wife would I be if I didn’t forgive, and better yet, what kind of marriage counselor I’d be if I didn’t give my husband another chance.
“Do you really forgive me?” Jessie said as I turned away from him.
“I don’t feel it. But maybe one day I will.”
He reached for me.
I turned back around. “I need time, Jess. I still need time.”
“But I’m your husband.”
“That didn’t stop you from doing your thing.”
He sighed. “Take all the time you need.”
I closed my eyes and thought of the time I counseled Shane and Gina on my second day of work at MacPhail Christian Counseling. Similar situation. I remembered Shane’s face like a day hadn’t passed since he left my office, all twisted over his marriage. He wanted it to work.
An image of Gina’s body flying off a 190-foot rock outcrop fogged my mind. Chills ran down my arms. I could almost hear her body cracking tree limbs and thumping on the ground. Suicide. Over her emotions. I often wondered if I could have prevented it, but I’ll never know. She died after thrusting her body off King and Queen’s Seat in Rocks State Park. Crazy.
Sounds ridiculous, but it’s not hard to see why.
Jessie’s light snore brought me back to reality. My reality.
Okay, so I forgave, but that didn’t mean I wanted to be married to him. I mean, part of me did, part of me didn’t. A big part of me didn’t. I tried clinging to the beginning, to all of our memories, but the more I thought of them the more I realized they were fake. Years of betrayal masked by unauthentic faithfulness.
I closed my eyes. Naked women posed on the backs of my eyelids. I opened my eyes, hoping to peel back the shade of women over my eyes, but they stayed, posing in the moonlight across the room.
And they posed until I fell asleep an hour later.
Ally and Jessie are fictional characters. This is an excerpt from my novel, Exposed, which will be available for pre-order in June 2010. The official release date is September 1, 2010. View the website here: Exposed: A Novel.
