I can’t even tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep wishing God would let me die. I prayed for my own death so much after George’s porn addiction swept my life into a storm. I wanted an end. There were also many, many nights I considered how I could leave him. Would I be able to find a job and support my baby? Would I be able to deal with letting him see his child––our child? Would I be able to date again?
So many thoughts went through my mind, but they never made their way to my heart. They couldn’t. I loved my husband, whether I wanted to or not. The reason my pain ran so deep is because I loved him so much. No one could hurt me like he could, because I loved no one like I loved him.
All of those nights I prayed for the nightmare to end in some way … I didn’t realize that I was missing my opportunity to be mended. It’s true. Ending really is easier than mending. Giving up is easier than carrying the cross and being crucified. Divorce is so much easier than ironing out the wrinkles and actually desiring to love this person through the pain.
Nightmares are just that. Nightmares. And generally we want them to end. But what I realized throughout my journey toward healing is that nightmares are a great place to start mending. They show us our own weaknesses, if we allow them. Yes, it’s easier to pray for an end, but the tough road is so much better in the real end. There is no better example than Jesus’ death and resurrection. He could have given up. He could have said, “These people don’t love me like I deserve. I don’t want to die for them.” He could have listened to the lies in his ear. He could have chosen his own comfort over our eternal salvation.
But he didn’t.
He chose the hard road and we, as Christians, claim to be followers of Christ. Well, Jesus didn’t walk on golden paths filled with luxury, comfort, and faithful lovers. He wasn’t crowned with jewels, He was crowned with prickly thorns. He wasn’t bathed with admiration, He was covered in spit. But He endured, regardless of our unfaithfulness, because He loves us.
It doesn’t matter what we do, how much we choose ourselves or others over Him … He loves us.
When we are willing to follow Jesus down all roads, we will find healing for our souls. We will no longer desire an end, instead we will ask for our hearts to be mended. We will no longer desire to buy new sheets, instead we will stay and iron out the wrinkles in the sheets we already own. We will love in a way that often hurts, but is worth it in the end.
Anyone can ask for death of self or a relationship, but how many people are willing to wear a crown of thorns, be humiliated, and still forgive and love with pure devotion? Are we willing to love others as Jesus loves us? Or are we more concerned with being loved and admired?
Ladies, are you willing to lay down the desire to be physically stunning in the world’s eyes and seek a lasting beauty that triumphs over evil? Men, are you willing to give up your own comfort and seek to comfort your wife?
Marriages … are you willing to be mended, as painful as it may be to be chiseled and molded, instead of praying for your death?
There is so much waiting for you on the road less traveled by. Life, promise, hope, and purity. It’s not easy to let God chisel us. It’s not easy to follow Jesus down a road of humiliation when the world teaches us to seek pride and selfishness. But look at Jesus’ outcome. Look at the devil’s. And decide for yourselves if the difficult path is worth the beautiful end.
