**Note: Since writing this post my heart has drastically changed and I can honestly say I am free from the chains of insecurity. A true miracle. But I want to keep this post up to show that insecurities are very difficult to work through and it takes a long time for them to vanish. I suppose my shield paid off.
People always ask me if I still I have insecurities or care about what my husband looks at. Yes. I do. And they also ask if George is still tempted to look at other women. Yes. He is. These are things that are never going to go away, unfortunately. Although they have lessened so much since those early stages of healing. My insecurities come, but I don’t dwell on them. George is tempted to look at a woman walking by, but doesn’t.
As far as I know (and I do believe him) George doesn’t struggle with lust anymore. Yes, he has temptations. But he truly desires purity and no longer battles with lust like he did a few years ago.
Me, on the other hand … I wouldn’t say I’m doing as well as George. It’s difficult in this world to be a woman. I think there are so many demands on us to be this, be that, be something or someone better than who we are. And it’s no wonder we have insecurities. I know in my heart that if I truly desired purity and humility with 100% of me, I would never have insecurities, because insecurities are just wounded pride and pride doesn’t exist in a humble heart. But I’m not perfect.
There are some days I desire humility and purity with all that I am. There are some days where I know my value is in Jesus Christ and nothing or no one in this world could make me feel less confident in that truth. Then, there are some days when the devil attacks me full force. It almost feels as though he saves all his arrows for one day because he knows that at this point in my healing a few arrows here and there don’t do much. But 1,000 arrows at once? It affects me a little.
There are days when modesty and humility are so beautiful to me. And there are others days I feel like I will only be valued if I look the opposite of modest and humble. There are days when I feel confident in who God made me to be. And days I feel like I need to compete with other women to be beautiful to my husband. There are days I find my value purely in Jesus. And days I want to please the eyes of lust.
It’s a cycle that I don’t think ever ends. It gets better. The arrows become easier to shield the more you shield them, instead of giving in to them. But I still have my days. So, during this healing process, don’t expect God or your husband to heal your insecurities and make them vanish completely. Don’t expect your husband never to be tempted to look at a woman again.
Don’t really expect anything.
Just look up to Him when you find yourself looking at others too much. And ask Him for the grace and ability to fight lies and stand for truth, even when it feels like your world is shattering. We’ll always be fighting for our beauty. The devil wants us to feel worthless and strive. But God wants us to rest in humility, knowing that life is about more than what we look like.
Keep fighting with me. Lets fight for true beauty. Beauty that doesn’t please the eyes of lust. Beauty that pleases our King. And for those who find us ugly, they don’t know real beauty. For those who find us beautiful … we will know they are truly loving us for us. And that’s what we want anyway. So let’s stop trying to be someone we aren’t. Stop trying to receive love and attention from others (even our husbands) in impure ways. And instead, lets seek God and humility. In Him we will find the rest from striving that our hearts ache for.
So, please, will you fight with me?
