So many men are addicted to porn or have been at some point in their lives. So many single women wonder if it’s possible to find a man who doesn’t struggle with lust and wonder if they should give up. I’ve talked to married women who have considered divorce, but wondered if they’d ever find a man who could love them the way they needed to be loved, free of lust. And many, many of these women wonder (as I often did) if romance is even real.
When I found out about George’s porn addiction my world crumbled. I truly believed our entire relationship was a lie. I mean, he looked at other women throughout our relationship and never told me. How could I believe anything he said? Especially after I had asked him about his struggle with porn and he assured me it wasn’t a problem anymore.
Romance couldn’t have been more dead to me. I remember taking a nap during one of my pregnancies and after tossing and turning I stared at the window and cried. Wiping my tears, I said to God, “Why my Georgie? Why him? Why us? Did I just have too high of expectations for marriage? Were my dreams of romance impossible to attain? Did I set myself up for this extreme disappointment?”
I decided to believe that it was my fault. My expectations were too high and romance didn’t exist, at least not the way I thought it had, at least not the way we falsely lived for our entire relationship prior to the truth of his struggle with lust.
But I’ve come a long way since then. I now understand that my expectations weren’t too high at all and we are now living the most beautiful, romantic relationship I could’ve ever imagined. Not a day goes by where I don’t stop to kiss my husband. As I push his hair from his eyes I silently say to God, “Thank you. Please help me to never take for granted a second with this man.”
When George holds me now, the world disappears, just like it did when we lived in lies. Except now everything is out in the open. Truth has illuminated the dark corners and given our romance even more life. It’s now vibrant, shining, and true. It’s so much better than it ever was before.
I still can’t believe I thought romance didn’t exist. I can’t believe I thought my expectations for a loving, beautiful marriage were unrealistic. Yes, a perfect husband or wife is unrealistic, but that was never what I wanted. I wanted to be perfect for him. And now I can finally say I not only know that truth … I feel it intensely.
I miss him when he’s gone for only twenty minutes. My mind is always thinking of ways I can show love to him, even in the midst of our crazy busy lives. I yearn for babysitters so I can spend time alone with him. In the mornings when I can’t sleep I stare at his beautiful face and pray for God to make me a better wife, to show me how I can love my husband more.
I love being married. It’s so much more than I could’ve imagined. We’ve been through some rough times. I’ve taken my rings off and wished for a way out. Porn almost ruined our romance. Porn almost made me believe its lies — that marriage could never be filled with romance and passion and purity. Porn almost ruined my heart and my husband’s. But thankfully God pulled us out of the mess and shined His light into every dark corner of both of our hearts. George’s struggle with lust is nowhere near what it used to be. My struggle with insecurities is nowhere near what it used to be. And what I love most about all of this is that God is still changing us, still growing us, and still making our marriage more beautiful by the day.
Sometimes I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow. Simply because I know that I’ll be even more in love than I was the day before.
There is so, so much beauty after rain. I hope you can see that even through the clouds you are now surrounded by. There is beauty, so much light and hope, after the clouds disappear.
I’m praying for more light in your marriage, that your romance would be enlivened again and your hearts healed.
