Wen George was recovering it killed me that he so “easily” got over his issues with lust, but my pain wouldn’t go away. Why couldn’t I heal as fast? Why did he expect me to?
It was a tough time to endure, because there are so many expectations we place on each other. I think I wanted George to really feel the pain he caused me, I wanted him to endure suffering for months/years too. But instead, he seemed to get better so fast while I was left to suffer. And because I pushed him away … I often suffered alone.
It’s not right if your husband isn’t wiling to forgive you and that he’s placing his desires above your own, but in a sense … you are doing the same by focusing on yourself. When this happens we often like to be the victim, both of us, husband and wife. We sort of fight to be the one who is the victim and we defend ourselves more than we defend our marriage. That’s one of the biggest problems with any conflict in marriage …
We stop defending our marriage together because we are too busy defending our individual “rights” and hearts.
I can see this in so many emails I receive. The woman is explaining to me why she feels like he’s in the wrong, and I bet he explains to himself and she’s in the wrong. She’s telling him he’s got issues, he’s telling her she’s got issues.
You’re both defending yourselves too much. Pain has a way of making us selfish. It causes us to look inward and focus on ourselves too much. It makes us believe we have “rights.” It makes us love based on how much others love us. Our love for others is contingent on their actions toward us. We also like to be the victim. We feel wronged and we believe we are in the right. So when the person who has hurt us says, “No, you have issues. I am in the right.” Then they proceed to defend themselves and we get upset because we know we are the one who are hurt, we are the victims, we are the wounded ones! So, we defend ourselves and the cycle continues until someone gives up and leaves.
I think of Jesus.
He was wrongly accused. He was laughed at, mocked, beaten for something He didn’t do. But He suffered without trying to defend Himself. He knew who He was. He was so confident in His innocence that He didn’t need to stoop to the level of those accusing Him of something He didn’t do. He loved anyway. He was asked to get off the cross and prove who He was, prove that He was the one who was right. Did He? And if He did maybe they would’ve accused Him of being prideful.
I can’t see Him hopping off the cross and saying, “I told you so! I’m the Son of God! Now, let me finish what I need to do.”
No, He knew they would one day know the truth. He didn’t need to defend Himself on earth or puff up His pride and show them who He really was.
And all the while … suffering, dying, being wrongly accused, what did He do instead of proving that He was right? He said, “Father, forgive them … they know not what they do.”
He was focused STILL on loving others, even the people who were wrongly accusing Him AND killing Him.
That … that is love.
That is the love we should have in our marriages. I’m not saying to be abused. I’m not saying to be co-dependent or urging anyone toward anything of the sort. I’m simply saying … the way Jesus loved is the way we should love our spouses.
We should be thinking of the other person and loving them, even if they are hurting us. We shouldn’t be so set on being right or justified in our pain or actions or whatever. We shouldn’t be so set on how we feel or how deep our pain is … we should be focused on loving others.
What your husband is doing now is not loving. He is being selfish. But I can’t say that you haven’t been selfish too. When sexual addictions of any kind come into a marriage (or betrayal) … it’s hard not to be self-centered when we are hurt because it hurts bad. We feel like our husband’s have not only betrayed our marriage, but our entire existence! It really, really deeply hurts a woman. I can’t even explain how selfish I was when I was healing. George recovered within 6 weeks. He was a new person. And I hated that! I wanted him to suffer so sometimes I would put him through torment simply to make him suffer with me.
Can I just confess something horrible I did to him? Over a year after he confessed all the porn I was still in extreme pain. So … to show him how it felt (Lord, I am so sorry…) I created an image for my desktop of tons of celebrities or men I could find online and I put it on my desktop, showed him, and said, “I think all of these men are more attractive than you.”
His reaction?
He didn’t throw the computer at me (like I would’ve done). He didn’t leave the house or tell me to get out. He cried. And I thought I’d feel better. I thought maybe I’d finally feel like he understood how hurt I was.
It didn’t make me feel better. I felt horrible for making him feel that way. And I realized how horrible he felt for hurting me with porn.
Oh, the craziness this stuff can bring into a marriage.
Both you and your husband must be willing to lay your lives down for each other in order for your marriage to thrive, but even if he isn’t being so nice right now, that doesn’t stop you from loving him when it hurts. That can’t stop you from ceasing your own justification for your pain and defending yourself. His actions, just like the killers of Jesus, cannot stop you from loving him and forgiving him.
Paul wasn’t kidding around when he said, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
We like to post that verse on our walls, but not on our hearts. Those are tough things. Patience. Kindness. Humility. Selfless. Keeping no record of wrongs. Always protecting? Always trusting? Always hoping? Always persevering?
How many of us do that? Especially when our spouse doesn’t love us the way we think they should?
We need to lay our lives down for others. For our spouses. Even when they don’t do that for us. That’s what you need to do. And that may look different for every marriage. To a woman being abused it may be love to separate herself from him so that he cannot sin and end up killing her. I don’t what that looks like in your situation, but if your husband is or was trying to change, just not the way you thought he should … give him some time and love him instead of defending yourself or making him feel worse about himself.
Love. It overcomes all things. Jesus wasn’t a victim. I so often wanted to be a victim when George told me all his secrets. But I want to be like Jesus and He wasn’t a victim. He was a victor. And He told us to take heart, because He overcame the world. I think I’ll take heart … And love. Love when it hurts.
Because that’s what He taught me to do.
