Your Heart Archive

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Looking Beautiful vs. Being Beautiful

By
Ashley Weis
– March 20, 2012Posted in: General Articles, Your Heart

Recently I read an article stating that although the economy has been having some issues lately, the beauty industry is soaring higher than ever. “Regardless of the economy, women still want to look beautiful,” said someone interviewed for the article. This got me thinking … here we are obsessed with looking beautiful, but what about being beautiful?

Did you know that the average American woman spends $12,000 on “looking beautiful” every year? That includes hair shampoo and conditioner, makeup, clothing, lotions, skin care, hair cuts, hair dye, etc. That’s a lot of money. Did you know that, on average, an American family gives $1800 to charities per year. That’s a significant difference. And it shows why we have so many insecurities and have such trouble dealing with our husband’s porn addictions. Our priorities are in the wrong place.

We are more concerned with the way we look than the way we live. We would rather look good to our husband’s than BE good to our husband’s. We obsess about how we look to him, but do we care that much about how we get angry with him? Do we cry ourselves to sleep and stop eating because we are not “being” beautiful to our husbands? No? Yet we cry ourselves to sleep, stop eating, and get obsessively depressed because we are not “looking” beautiful to our husbands? This is the state of our hearts.

We are more concerned with looks than hearts. We would rather spend money on our hair than help a starving orphan. We would rather buy makeup for our faces than tithe to our churches. I once read something that said our checkbooks can really show the state of our hearts. Some of us give, but we still give more to ourselves than we do to others. And I don’t just mean paying bills, I mean spending thousands on looking good or having cool gadgets and loads of stuff.

I’m not implying that we should stop buying shampoo, but I am urging you to question the state of your own heart. Do you obsess over looking good more than being good? People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7), yet we concern ourselves more with a great outfit than we do our anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness. We become beggars of attention, admiration, and love from the world … without caring too much about what we give to the world. It’s easy to desire love so much that we are willing to divorce someone the second the hurt us, but it’s not easy to love someone no matter how much they hurt us. Yet, we always choose ourselves.

There is no freedom in this. We can chase after the unattainable our entire lives. We can divorce over adultery and look for the next man to love us for who we are, and we will spend our lives going from one man to the next, never feeling fulfilled, because God is the only one who can fill us. And when it’s all said and done we will be laying in a casket, our outward appearances being eaten by worms, as those on earth have nothing to remember us by except our depression, our wardrobes, our coldness, and our desperate obsessions with being loved and admired.

In order to find freedom we need to turn from our current ways and seek God with all of our hearts, souls, and minds. We need to be more obsessed with giving love, than receiving. Being beautiful, instead of looking beautiful. We need to fill this world with love and goodness, instead of more and more superficiality. There is freedom in God’s love, in giving Him our hearts and taking our hearts from the world. And it’s not easy to break up with the world. We have so many attachments and desires that are stapled to our hearts. But once we get over the initial pain of ripping them out we can begin the healing process and finally experience the beauty of having a heart that is fully His … there is no freedom like that, no freedom at all. It’s the kind of freedom that would choose being ugly to the world for the sake of humility and true love.

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Tending the Garden

By
Ashley Weis
– March 17, 2012Posted in: General Articles, Marriage in the Cross, Your Heart

It’s not always the seeds that are bad. It’s not always the soil. Sometimes our marriages are built with thriving little seeds and rich, earthy soil. But like any garden … when left untended … the seeds stop thriving and the soil is choked by weeds. At least 50% of marriages in America end in divorce. They end before the seeds begin to form roots. We start marriages off with tears and promises. We’re happy. In love. Of course there are some cases where the soil is bad from the start, but for many of us … the soil is perfect and the seeds are ready to be planted. We’re excited about our future.

For some of us the roots take a very long time to grow. For others, the roots start to grow immediately. But for 50% of us the roots don’t get very far. Most marriages stay on the surface and when the roots penetrate the heart of the soil everything begins to fall apart. We are raised in a culture that shies away from stability and commitment and fosters change, self-pleasure, and excitement. Most marriages end before they begin.

For some of us, though, the roots start to dig under the soil and form a rich foundation. But then something like porn pops up. An ugly weed from the past that we hoped had died. It comes back. The question is … what now?

Marriages thrive when we tend to them just as we should our own souls. We need to spend time cleaning out the weeds, pruning the bushes, and picking off the dead parts so the new parts can flourish. The problem is … not many of us want to put work into marriage. We want it to be easy. Or, we just want the pretty garden without the work. We’d rather hire a gardener or just put all the work on our spouse. Sometimes weeds from our own lives spring up in our marital garden and we don’t take responsibility for them. Instead, we blame them on our spouse. And the weed grows stronger and stronger, and another one pops up. We don’t have enough strength to fight it because the other weeds have already taken over the garden, so we just let it go.

Our beautiful marriage garden is left to rot in weeds because we don’t want to tend to it. The roots stop growing, commitment ceases, and we walk away and find a new garden, until that one is covered in weeds, then we find another, and another, and another. Always left unfulfilled. Always losing to the weeds. Never tending a thing. Simply wanted to be tended to.

If you desire a beautiful marriage … you need to be willing to take care of the garden. Keep the weeds of pride, selfishness, impurity, lust, greed, and envy far from the garden. When you see one spring up, yank the think out and throw it away. Don’t just prune the weed back, get rid of it completely. Do whatever you can to make sure it doesn’t come back. Don’t shy away from pruning your garden. Don’t be afraid to cut back branches when they start to reach into places they shouldn’t go. Don’t be afraid to pick off the dead stuff to gain the new stuff. Don’t be afraid of thorns pricking you as you tend to the rose bushes. And don’t spend your entire time weeding, pruning, and picking off dead parts. Make sure you enjoy the beauty of the garden, too.

Look at what God has done through His beautiful grace. The sun, with no help from you, continues to shine on your marriage garden. And the rain continues to provide a healthy drink of life with no help from you. But it’s so beautiful … through His grace your hands have played a part in the garden of your marriage. You’re still here. Now, it’s time to tend these beautiful flowers. Know the flowers from the weeds, the beauty from the trash, and keep your garden pure and full of life … so that all visitors are refreshed and renewed by the presence of your marriage, and not weighed down by the weeds.

We so often think our gardens should thrive with the sun and the rain, no effort on our parts. And sometimes they can, barely. But the most beautiful marriages are the ones that are carefully tended and loved. Please, do not neglect your marriage. Be as faithful to your marriage as the sun and rain. Never giving up, no matter how many weeds have taken over.

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Is he still attracted to me when he looks at porn?

By
Ashley Weis
– March 12, 2012Posted in: Your Heart

Question from a girlfriend of a porn addict:

I don’t know if it’s an addiction but I have caught him a couple of times and have sensed many others, because I was not looking and when I look I also catch him looking at other girls in front of me. I confronted him on this and he says it’s a guy thing and that all guys do this. It upsets me because I don’t think all guys do this but when he makes excuses I start to believe him sometimes. I can’t seem to pinpoint if it’s me he is no longer attracted to or if it’s just lust. How does one get over this feeling? I don’t dress up anymore and I wear my hair in a bun and my glasses and sometimes I think maybe he is just not attracted anymore because there are eye candy out there. I have been wanting to take care of myself again so I’m slowly doing this and he is noticing not that I want him to notice but it feels good that he does sometimes. I do feel I want him to love me for me and not how I look I have read though that mean think with their eyes. I sometimes feel so depressed when I see him look at other girls in public, it’s like how can you do this to me? In front of me?

My response:

First of all — not all guys do it. So that’s a lie from the devil. Secondly — he is still attracted to you. Porn isn’t necessarily something men do because they are bored with their girlfriends/wives and need to look elsewhere. It’s something men do because they can. It’s as simple as that. Porn gratifies a part of us with an unhealthy, distorted view of sex. When we don’t see sex for what it truly is (through the lens of purity) it can often lead us to unhealthy fantasies, which can lead to porn. It’s not that your boyfriend doesn’t love you or find you attractive, it’s that he likes to watch other people have sex. Of course, no one knows the heart of each individual man. I’m sure some men feel differently about this, but I’m only speaking from the perspective of men I have talked to.

Even as a woman, I understand the draw to porn. There have been times in my life where I watched a good amount of it. Now I see it for what it really is and there’s no part of me that would ever want to watch porn. But for most people in this world (who view sex through the lens the world gives them) they are all about the self-pleasure they experience when watching porn. It’s not natural, but the world has made it seem that way. It’s natural to view intimacy and sex the way God does — as a beautiful union between a married couple that glorifies Him. It’s natural to be turned on by the person you were made to be with … But this world places such an emphasis on sex (Victoria’s Secret commercials, advertisements, tanning salons, etc.) that people can’t help but see sex through that lens. We literally start to believe it’s normal.

You won’t get over the feeling you are having if your boyfriend continues to view sex this way. You can develop a firm security in your own value, and not need his validation to make you feel beautiful … but as far as intimacy with him goes … you will bleed until he makes steps to heal the wounds. It is almost impossible to fully give yourself to your husband when you know he isn’t giving himself fully to you. You are sharing him with porn stars, and that doesn’t make for a healthy sex life. Hopefully, as his girlfriend, you guys aren’t at this stage yet, but if you plan to be married this is so crucial.

I often thought I needed to be like porn stars in bed to keep George’s attention, but that made me feel empty. I wanted him to want me for ME, not because I acted like the filthy movies he filled his brain with. But all of this will take time, trust, healing, and a beautiful reestablishment of true intimacy between the two of you.

As for your own beauty — being beautiful is not about your hair, makeup, or clothes. It’s not about looking like those girls that walk around trying to be sexy … it’s in the way you carry yourself, love yourself, and love others. It’s in the way you LOVE, not the way you look. Outward beauty can disappear with a car accident or age … inner beauty is what separates you from the girls your husband lusts over. Your external beauty may be a gift to lust and the eyes of men, but true inner beauty is a gift to this world, to God, and to yourself.

Your boyfriend shouldn’t look at other girls in public, although it’s very common for men (and women) to lust over the opposite sex whether in public or the television screen. But you can’t change him. You can only tell him how you feel and hope he finds a way out …

You can only change yourself.

Not the way you look, but the way you feel about yourself (naturally) and the way you feel about the crazy lustful stuff going on in this world. It’s possible for you to feel joy, true joy, through all of this … but if your boyfriend isn’t willing to change and doesn’t want to work on gaining and maintaining your full trust it will be more difficult.

Our husbands should love us immensely … and we should love them immensely. That’s how a good marriage survives. Both people are willing to sacrifice for the other, at all times. If you are the only one sacrificing … your heart will keep bleeding until you are gasping for life…

I will be praying for you. Feel free to write me. It’s not easy … But love never is. It’s a fight. A battle. I hope both you and your boyfriend will fight together and win this!

Ashley

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Christ’s Bride: An Affair with the Devil

By
Ashley Weis
– March 3, 2012Posted in: General Articles, Marriage in the Cross, Understanding Him, Your Heart

A beautiful Groom. The most beautiful Groom … with the most broken Bride. The most scandalous Bride. She cheats, she runs away, she uses Him and she prolongs her affair with satan, meanwhile desiring her Groom to stay there in the shadows in case she needs someone to fall back on.

I refuse to capitalize satan, by the way. I don’t even want to give him the honor of a capital letter. He is the most annoying thing in the world, and yet, through all of that … I still feel sorry for him. I have a strange love for him. Not in the worship-sense, but in a pity-sense. He is so lost that his only way to feel better about himself is to make others as lost as he is. He wants Christ’s Bride to run away with him, and the saddest thing of all … She does.

Now, we can look at this one of two ways. We can focus on the affair with the devil. We can gossip and mope about how horrible it is that She would do all of these things to the most perfect Husband in the universe. We can talk about the affair, the evilness, the brokenness. Or … drum roll please ….

We can focus on the Groom and the fact that through all of this, He still loves His Bride. We can focus on the faithfulness, the beauty, the hope that is to come in the next life. We can focus on the beauty of a Groom who refuses to allow His Bride to forget about Him. He is Love. And that is what we should focus on. Yes, Christ’s Bride often chooses the devil over Him. Not consciously all the time, just a subconscious nod to the attachments and pleasures of the world. She so often desires admiration from the world (or herself) more than she cares about God’s opinion of her. She rests in His faithful love, but refuses to work on her side of the marriage. She enjoys being loved, but thinks it is too difficult to love in return. It involves an undivided heart… and so often His Bride is divided between the pleasures of the world and His love. She wants His love, but still clings to the world too much to really grab ahold of all that He wants to offer her.

It’s so easy in our marriages to focus on the negative. To dwell in the past. To dwell in our own issues, in his issues, in everyone around us who has issues. It’s easy to be depressed, to be controlled by our evil desires, to desire things we can never attain. It’s easy to get caught up in the lies and want to stay there, believing that we are to spend our lives in search of someone who loves us for us, without the slightest desire to love people for who they are, sin and all. Isn’t it funny? Husbands and wives so often desire to be loved amidst their flaws, but aren’t willing to give the same love to the other. She wants to be loved regardless of physical (and personality) flaws, but she won’t love him regardless of his sins against her. He wants to be loved regardless of his sins against her, but he won’t love her regardless of how many times she brings up the past in pain and anger.

We are willing to receive, much too often, but not willing to give when it hurts. And loving those who love us is not what truly makes a difference in this world. It’s being like Jesus and loving a spouse who consistently wrongs Him, without ever whining about how He isn’t loved in return. His love is that big. And that’s the love we are called to model through the grace He gives us when we ask.

The key is asking.

But first, we have to turn back to our Groom, our Jesus, and give up our affairs with the devil. We need to strip our earthly attachments, prides, and desires, and desire Him and everything through Him. We need to renew our vows to our King. We need to remember our first love, and seek Him with all of our hearts. If we continue to focus on our affair with the devil, we will never be able to love our King… and if we can’t love the most perfect Groom in the universe, then we will never be able to love our flawed earthly grooms.

It starts with our faithfulness to Christ. And through that faithfulness we can learn exactly how much grace we need. How much sin is in our own hearts. And when our Groom takes us back with loving arms… we will understand what we are supposed to do when our spouses hurt us and then come back to embrace us. We will understand how to love and foster our earthly marriages only after we learn to love Christ with our heart, soul, and mind, and foster our marriage with Him above all else.

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