The Industry Archive

How to View Our Spouses, Porn Stars, & Everyone

– January 3, 2011Posted in: General Articles, The Industry

Guest post from George, my hubber. Click here to email George.

In many discussions with men who have/had the struggle to look at either pornography or other women in public I have asked a simple question, “How SHOULD you view women?”

Too often, men and women go round and round with the same old talk. The problem is that we focus on the problem, and in the minds and hearts of those involved, the problem grows and grows. Soon it is as if you are standing at the base of a mountain and looking up at the top of it. Everyone starts to wonder, “Will I ever get around this massive hurdle?”

But the hurdle or mountain doesn’t need to be jumped or climbed over or even walked around … it needs to be moved. Yes, you remember that the Lord said “…if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” — And nothing is impossible when Christ our true life is living in us. So, the problem needs to be dealt with. It needs to be removed. And yet, even if we say we have faith that it can be so, how is that applied practically?

Too often we think that “faith” is only a mental belief and a mental trust. We forget that faith must not be divorced from faithfulness and fidelity. Jesus said “If you love me you will keep my commandments” (Revised Standard Version). So our faith which ought to have it’s roots in the love of God, calls for us to keep the commandments of Christ.

Most often those who are willing to fight through this, usually claim to have some level of love for God and also claim to have faith. Well, this is where the rubber meets the road. Again, according to the Lord, in order to say that we fully love Him, we must also keep His commandments. And we know that lust falls into the category of NOT keeping His commandments.

So, how can we begin to look at women, or human beings differently in order to live out the commandments of Christ?

The short answer is simply this. Love God more. That is what you will hear Ashley and I say more times than we can count because in total, this will change everything. But in this case I am going to offer what I think is a tool to looking at people and, in this case, women specifically in a new way.

The Creation account clues us into something really important. We are all made according to the image and likeness of God. And I want to hit home the words ACCORDING TO. What are these words noting? Simple, it denotes that there is an original in order for there to be someone (humankind) that it is made after (according to). And we know that Jesus is “the image of the invisible God.” Col. 1:15
Can you see where I am going with this?

If man is created according to the image and likeness of God, and Jesus Christ is that image, then it is also just as easy and correct to say that Mankind was made according to Christ. Christ the original, and man made after… made with that image in mind. Every human being walking about the face of the earth is made in this image, weather or not they bear all virtues or if they are horribly distorted from their intended purpose. Everyone is a moving picture of Jesus.

Can you take a hold of that and see how enormous that is for the way we live our lives? If we could simply begin to see every person as the image of God who is Christ Jesus, I think we would have a hard time using them in any way.

If Jesus stood right before you, what would you do? Would you masturbate to Him? In our workbook, Ashley says at some point that if you are utilizing the workbook, chances are you already have masturbated to the image of Christ. Because we are to see all people as the images of God, which is Jesus Christ. I don’t think you’d masturbate to images of Jesus, I think what you would do is fall on your face and worship Him! The very person of Jesus demands reverence and respect. And if we could see others as we see Jesus we would not worship them obviously, but we would honor them and revere them… we would respect them and treat them with utmost love and kindness. But then again, to do this requires that we love God first with our whole beings, and then we will love others as we love ourselves. We would see ourselves as part of a created species that bears the image of the invisible God, and every human being (our neighbors) would by necessity call us to love them and treat them with the respect they are due.

If you cannot masturbate to an image of Jesus, if you cannot lust over an image of Jesus, then you should not masturbate or lust over any other person in this world.

May God grant all of us the ability to see every human person this way, to the glory of God!

-g-

Tags: for men

Truth: Porn Is Not Beautiful

Ashley Weis

– September 22, 2010Posted in: General Articles, The Industry

We are working on the “heart of a man” posts, but unfortunately they are taking forever to compile. So instead of waiting, I thought I’d post about something else.

I’ve been talking with a few women lately and praying about their marriages. One thing that keeps sticking out to me is this: the truth is not validated or invalidated by our opinions of the truth.

There are so many lies about porn. So many people will tell you it’s no big deal. Every man looks. Just look too. Celebrity crushes are healthy. Porn is a good way to spice up your marriage. That’s great that people have these coping mechanisms, but their relationships are suffering.

Why?

Because their intimacy is torn by these lies they choose to believe. Marital intimacy is meant for husband and wife. Not husband and wife and some other woman, some other man, and Joe Shmoe from down the street. It’s meant for two people. When we include others, true intimacy suffers.

And back to my original point. The truth is this, whether we choose to believe it or not:

Porn is a billion dollar business.

Porn hurts marriages, women, men, children, little girls, little boys, porn stars, producers, directors, etc., every day. Every single day.

Porn is self-centered.

Viewing porn is an adulterous act.

You know, movies like Lord of the Rings resonate with us for so many reasons. One of those reasons is that the good characters are noble, beautiful, and loving people. We have a simple, simple hobbit changing the course of the world with his faithfulness. We have his best friend who demonstrates such beautiful faithfulness. We have people giving up their lives to save others. Think about that.

In our own lives, we are so far from these qualities when we allow porn to seep into our hearts. We are self-centered. We can’t truly love others and love porn, not when we know what it does to those involved with it. Not when we know how much pain it causes so, so many people. Note: You can love others and love porn. But you can’t truly and self-sacrificially love others and love porn. You just can’t.

I don’t know about you, but I want to be noble. I want to be a hero, not a villian, in this life and in the lives of others. Don’t you?

Don’t listen to the lies. Because whether your opinion is that porn is good or not, the truth remains. Look at the evidence. Look at the broken marriages. Look at the broken hearts. Look at the reason you participate in porn. Is your reason noble? Is your reason as beautiful as the reason Frodo took the ring to Mordor?

I have a feeling it isn’t. Porn stars create porn because they are seeking their identity and value in being an object and wanted. Porn producers make porn for money. And people watch porn for their own self-centered appetites for pleasure that isn’t anywhere close to the beauty of selflessly pleasing others.

Porn is not beautiful, and anyone participating in porn is not doing something beautiful. Porn is harmful. It kills lives and relationships.

My hope is for more people to see this truth and live in it with more nobility and faithfulness than the fictional characters portrayed in Lord of the Rings. We need more Frodo’s and Aragorn’s and Sam’s and Gandolf’s. We need more people willing to lay down their lives, fight for goodness and love, and step up to the evil that is around them, instead of giving in to its power.

Who’s army are you fighting in?

Tags: general

Dialogue About Being Like Porn Star for Hubby

Ashley Weis

– May 14, 2010Posted in: The Industry, Your Heart

A few days ago I posted a blog: What’s OK in the Bedroom? A woman left an anonymous comment on this blog asking what I thought about acting out fantasies/taking nude pics/being like a porn star so that her husband doesn’t have to look at other women. In the post you can see my response.

My dear friend, Donny Pauling, and I have been emailing back and forth in disagreement on this subject. You can see his initial comment in the comment section of the original post, but I didn’t post his subsequent comment due to words I thought may not settle well with some women who read this blog.

However, I wanted to share our conversation, which I have edited to keep safe for this blog. I’m posting it here because I want you to see two different opinions on this subject.

So, here goes:

Donny
I’d disagree with the part about fantasies. I think fantasies are very much created by God. Our Opponent has bastardized that term, but it’s not a bad thing to fantasize if it is kept appropriate, meaning “longing for one’s spouse.” For example: if I’m out on the road speaking, and my wife is at home away from me, why would it be wrong to let my mind wander about her? There is a lot of freedom for such a couple. IF, however, fantasies or activities are drawing them away from each other, that’s obviously wrong. Other than that, I think God’s blessing is on whatever sexual activity two people do that doesn’t involve others or affect each other in a negative way. Sex is meant to be enjoyed by two people. It’s special, sacred, and has no bounds other than that it be only amongst two who God has joined together.

If God restores my marriage to Wendy, I am confident nude photography will NOT be part of our relationship again. I took something beautiful and broke it. I doubt she would ever be comfortable in front of my camera that way, and since both parties must be comfortable, it would be wrong for me to even ask.

But I certainly can’t speak for any other couple, and a camera in NO WAY automatically equates to impurity. Not in the least.

Ashley
In my post I’m specifically talking about women posing in nude pics for her husband so that he’d have no desire for porn. That is completely unhealthy. A lot of women come to me asking if they should imitate porn/fantasies/etc. so that he no longer needs that, but can just “use” them as the object instead. I don’t agree with this.

Of course, having thoughts about your wife (without masturbation) is not what I’d call “fantasy.” It’s called thinking about reality. Fantasy isn’t reality. Imagining doing something with my husband is a lot different than imagining doing something with my husband as someone else (i.e. dressed up like a teacher or pizza guy or something).

Donny
I’d like to pass along a bit of wisdom handed to me by my pastor… he cautioned me never to make absolute statements that don’t apply absolutely.

Ashley
Could you re-phrase your last comment? I am VERY cautious about the stuff I post on this blog, as I want it to be refreshing and healing for women.

As for making absolute statements … I stated in my blog post that this is my heart and cautioned people not to follow my heart, but to search this out on their own. So I don’t believe I’m posting anything absolute.

Donny
Okie dokie. Guess that comment wasn’t meant to be posted.

Ashley
You can post. I just need it to be sensitive to the hearts of women, since that’s what this blog is about.

I think your comment has good thoughts, just need to edit that part out. This blog isn’t a normal blog (like my personal one) where we can be open about anything. It’s very restrictive. It’s meant to offer hope to women, not make them feel worse. I know you probably think it’s crazy that the little paragraph you wrote would make them feel worse, but trust me, it would. I’m one of them. I know.

Nothing against you … Just protecting their hearts.

Donny
I’m of the opinion that pacifying people leads to them becoming bigger whiners. I’ve been very gentle in the past, which is what makes me believe this. The more a person is protected, the more they need protecting. So I’ve moved toward less PC and more reality. That’s why I can’t re-write to remove that part.

Ashley
I’m not a fan of “pacifying” either. And I don’t do that. I simply offer hope for women who are VERY sensitive. There will come a point in their healing process where they are able to deal with the harsher realities of all of this. But right now most of them are, as I’ve been in my past, ultra-sensitive. I don’t want to offend others.

I think it’s possible to show them reality and not overwhelm them with statements that will make them feel worse. And because I talk to them every day … I can tell you that your paragraph would have done way more harm than good. It’s not really about pacifying, it’s about speaking the truth with gentleness… ULTRA gentleness.

PS — You and I are very different. We’re not gonna agree on quite a lot. But guess what? That’s okay. Love doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything.

Donny
We definitely don’t have to agree on everything. But I do want you to consider something: if the women are as fragile as you’re saying, what do you think it will do to some of them who may actually love using a camera in their “play” with their husbands? I realize you wrote that disclaimer about this being your heart, etc. But I don’t think that’s going to be enough to overcome the overall tone of the article. It really comes across as if you’re saying such things are sinful, and the hard truth of that matter is that they are not, and those who partake in such activities should not feel guilty about them in the least. Know what I mean?

Anyway… I suppose neither of us are going to convince the other to change their opinion, so we’re probably just spinning our wheels, no?

Ashley
This post isn’t about using cameras or not using cameras, it’s about posing in such a way as to make your husband’s desire for porn decrease. Two different things, ya know?

Donny
That’s just not how it comes across.

Also… you and I may have our opinions on what is appropriate in regards to posing, but I don’t think our opinions should be the standard for others. Even if a woman wants to pose Hustler style for her husband, that should be their choice. I don’t see anything wrong with that, either. When did we start becoming Catholic, making everything a sin that we don’t personally agree with? I think the argument that it will make a husband’s desire for porn increase is flawed… ’cause I could say that having sex with his wife could make a man’s desire for sex with other women increase… how would that be different? It’s not. Not in the least.

Ashley
I agree that my standards should not apply to everynoe, which is why I prefaced my response with “search this out on your own, this is just MY heart.” However, posing Hustler style … their choice or not … can’t convince me that it’s “right.” Sorry. I’m a black and white person (in my own life) and don’t see things like that. But I’m not out to convince the world to think like me. Ya know?

As for having sex with his wife making his desire for other women decrease … sure, that might work for a little while, but without a heart change that’s not going to last. (And I don’t think that’s a healthy reason to be having sex in the first place.)

Also, in the post, can you help me see where exactly I stated “cameras are wrong!”

Donny
To me, that says “posing nude is acting like a porn star”. Just telling you how it comes across to me.

Ashley, porn imitates. It doesn’t set a standard. Certain poses remind YOU of porn, but the truth is this: men are visual and women like to be desired, even visually. That’s beautiful – and even encouraged in Song of Songs where he describes every part of her body. He couldn’t have done so if she hadn’t “posed” in a way to display it.

Long before porn existed, women posed explicitly for their husbands…and it was good. Porn imitates that and takes it outside the bonds of marriage. Then, because porn is allowed to rob some of us, certain things begin being labeled impure that are NOT impure. YOU might have a picture in mind of what purity is, but it just might be possible that you’re reacting to the former porn struggles you’ve mentioned and want exactly opposite of everything you saw there. If so, porn has robbed you. It impurely imitated something that IS pure if kept between you and George, and now what was pure before has become impure to you. Believe me, I know this from experience. There are so many things I’ll never do again cause they’d remind me of my porn past. I, too, have been robbed.

But what I will not do is write my thoughts in a way that makes others feel wrong for acting that way for a spouse. I don’t want to rob them as I’ve been robbed.

Ashley
Well, I haven’t made anyone feel like anything is wrong. I have simply stated my heart and I hope I’ve made that clear. As for the rest of what you just said … don’t agree with you in the slightest and definitely don’t think I’ve been robbed AT ALL … but that’s okay. People disagree with me a lot. I’m not out to agree with the world or make the world agree with me. So … I get your side, see your point, don’t agree with ya.

My Final Thoughts
I haven’t heard back from Donny yet, but wanted to add my final thoughts for those of you reading this. Being beautiful, desired, and feeling sexy around your husband is never something I would consider wrong. Sensuality within the marriage bed is beautiful. It is so beautiful. And sadly, porn has robbed many of us of this, because it has made us women feel like we aren’t beautiful.

I spent many nights of my marriage making love to my husband and imagining other women, wondering if he was imagining them in order to be turned on by me. I often believed I needed to be sexy in the way porn stars are sexy in order to keep him from thinking of those women and keep his thoughts on me.

And in my opinion, that robbed our marriage of pure, beautiful, real sex. It kept us focused on outward things, instead of inner. It kept us focused on the perversions that this world has created, instead of the beauty of natural, fun sex. It kept us focused on ourselves and our own needs, instead of the pure enjoyment of each other.

Now, I would never say that our marriage bed has been robbed because of porn. We have no desire to act out fantasies or pose like Hustler magazine. We don’t need that to have fun in our intimate life. And because of the freedom we now have to enjoy each other without masks, fantasies, and perversions … we have been blessed, not robbed. We are blessed because our marriage bed has been so pure and beautiful — something I would have never imagined with the stuff we have both seen and went through.

I love where we are now and wouldn’t trade it for the most “fun” of all the world’s sexual games. My favorite thing about sex is that I am one with my husband. I am one. We are together. We got through this mess of porn and perversion and our marriage bed is no longer tainted with thoughts of other people or fantasies.

I love that. And I love sex. Not because of orgasms or fun, but because it’s one of the most beautiful things a married couple can ever experience together. An act of worship. An act of beauty and pure sensuality that is so, so honoring to God.

I pray that your marriage bed is blessed. That throughout your healing process it becomes less and less tainted. And that one day … your marriage will be completely free of porn.

Tags: Your Questions Answered

Taylor’s Story – A Porn Star

Ashley Weis

– April 3, 2010Posted in: The Industry

I didn’t know I’d become what some people dub a porn star two months after my eighteenth birthday, but I did.

Mom told me to find a job, get out there in the real world and be independent. I didn’t know how to wash my clothes, much less find a job. But the last thing I wanted was another bruised cheek for my “attitude,” as she would say. So, I went to Walgreens and bought a newspaper, sat down on the curb outside, and scanned the job listings as the sun heated my face.

Models 18+ needed, $500 a day, stopped my searching eyes. I never thought much of myself in the looks department, but Daddy always told me I was pretty. And maybe I’d feel better about myself if I told people what I did for a living.

I pulled my cell phone from my purse and dialed the local number. One, two, three, four rings, then silence.

A man’s voice said something, but I couldn’t hear.

“Hello?” I said.

“Yes, yes,” he said as though a huge smile were on his face. “Andy Cross, how can I help you?”

“I’m sorry, I must have the wrong number.”

“Are you calling about the modeling ad?”

Don’t kid yourself, Mandy, I thought.

“Are you interested in the modeling job? I bet you are. I can tell you’re beautiful just by the sound of your voice.”

Whoa, his words felt like Chapstick to sun-scorched lips. “Um, yes, could you tell me more about it?”

“Sure, would you like to meet for an in-person interview?”

I looked at the gravel by my feet, unsure of what to say.

“What’s your name?” he said.

“Taylor.”

“Taylor, I will make sure you get the attention you’ve always dreamed of. You want to feel good about yourself? I’ll help you. And to top it all off, you’ll make $500 just for a two-hour photo shoot.” He paused. “I’ll tell you what, you can try it out for a day, if you don’t like it you can stop—no contract until you’re ready.”

I straightened my back and looked at the shopping center across Joppa Road. “But you don’t even know what I look like.”

“You must be pretty if you dialed this number. How old are you?”

“I turned eighteen two months ago.”

“Perfect. When do you want to set up an appointment to learn more?”

Five hundred dollars for two hours sounded nice to me. Within one week I’d be in my own apartment, on my own, free from Mom’s emotional disasters.

“Taylor, I take care of all of my models. If you’re shy, I promise you’ll feel confident after one photo shoot with me.”

I cleared my throat and stood, balancing myself on the edge of the curb. “I’m just not sure if I have what?”

“You will.” Such a sugary attitude?his enthusiasm oozed like syrup through the phone. “What time can you meet with me?”

He seemed so encouraging, more than most people I knew. Most people shunned me, bruised me, ignored me for being introverted, different, too quiet?this guy cared and he didn’t even know me!

“How about tomorrow at noon?”

I hopped off the curb and walked toward my leaking Camry. “Sure. Where am I meeting you?”

He explained directions as I drew them on a receipt I found in my purse, then we hung up. Before I got in my car I looked at my phone and wondered what I’d gotten myself into. A model? Me?

Unsure but hopeful about my new future, I couldn’t help but laugh. The girl voted “Least Likely to Succeed” in middle school, go figure. And Mom, this’d really blow her away. All those times she told me I’d fail at everything. Maybe I’d finally prove her wrong.

I got into my car and looked in the rear-view mirror. Taylor Jane Adams. A model. I smiled at myself. Yeah, maybe life would go uphill for once. Twisting my keys in the ignition, I kept looking at my reflection.

I saw Daddy’s eyes in my own and couldn’t help but wonder how proud he’d be if he were still alive.

I turned the music up as loud as it could go and drove out of the parking lot singing with Steven Tyler.

Life, finally, might be worth living.

###

Andy Cross looked nothing like I imagined. Short hair, adventurous eyes, well-toned arms?gorgeous.
He opened the front door and greeted me with a smile as wide as his face. “Taylor, you look stunning!”

“You too. I mean, um?”

He laughed.

I smiled, sponging the attention from his charming eyes.

He ushered me inside, looked me up and down, spun me around, then stared me dead in the eyes and said, “Wow, you’re perfect.”

Not sure how to respond, I scanned the house. “I didn’t realize you worked from home.”

“How about we go sit down in the living room?”

Something drew me to Andy Cross. I followed him down a narrow hallway, through the biggest, cleanest kitchen I’ve ever seen, and into a living room with an enormous television mounted on the wall. He sat down on the coffee table and motioned to the leather couch across from him. I sat and placed my purse beside me.

He pulled his leg toward him, and rested his foot on his knee. “Are there any questions I can answer for you?”

Looking down, I searched for a question. Clueless, I peered up at him through my bangs. “Um, I’m not sure.”

“Well, how about we get started?”

My shoulders lifted. “Now…you…what?”

His laugh soothed my thumping chest. “I’ll get my camera and we’ll take a few pictures for practice, how does that sound?”

“But don’t I need a wardrobe or something?”

“You look perfect.” He stood and disappeared around the corner.

Elbows on my knees, I analyzed the carpet and shook my foot so fast I thought I’d fling my shoe across the room.

Andy walked in the room with a digital camera no bigger than my shoe. “Ready?”

“You don’t have a professional camera?”

Laughing, he held out the camera. “Oh, you’ll be surprised at the beauty this thing captures.”

I smiled.

“Ah, do that again.” He held the camera in front of him.

With my hands on the couch, I leaned forward and smiled up at him. A few flashes and you’re beautifuls later my foot stopped freaking out.

I could get used to this.

Andy sat down beside me and showed me the pictures he took. Seeing myself through his eyes made me smile. Someone thought I was pretty. Someone believed in me.

“Now,” he said, touching my shoulder. “How about we try something else?” Slow and steady, he touched my shoulder and glided my sleeve down my arm.

His gentleness reassured me. And three hours later I left his house with $500 in my purse feeling like someone finally accepted me, wanted me, and believed in me. The PG-13 pictures he took of me? Eh, I didn’t think about them. I ignored the voice in my head that kept saying, “What are you doing? What if someone you know finds out?”

But then I realized that no one cared about me anyway.

No one except Andy Cross.