Marriage in the Cross Archive

Re-Building Trust & Dealing With Insecurity

– February 12, 2012Posted in: Marriage in the Cross

Letter from a wife:

For four years I have dealt with my husbands porn addiction and my hyper-sensitivity! Our marriage was horrible, but I too took those vows and I took them with meaning! I took them before the eyes of the Lord and there was no turning back.

I was hurt, always broken in constant paranoia, not able to enjoy the life of our lil girl! Scared of what was next and then the unthinkable happened.

I had a knock at the door. The cops cuffed him. At that moment I wanted to pack my bags and take the first flight back home, but God put in my heart that I needed to stay that I needed to support him. I couldn’t imagine supporting him after all he has put me through. This is his sin, I thought, let him deal with it.

This was the last straw, but God told me otherwise. He was arrested for voyeurism, masturbating in a parking lot where a women and 16-year-old girl saw him and called the police. I knew it! I just knew that was it, when his parents tried to defend him I just kept my mouth shout.

So I was obedient to our lord and I stayed and that week he accepted the Lord. It has been about a year and half and he is on fire and serving the Lord. It feels so surreal.

I often tap into my hyper-sensitivity mode, but God is working in his life. He is ready to mission and our radio station never changes from anything but Christian radio. He gets mad that the bible studies are at the same time because he cant take them all.

He is my “Beauty After Rain” as you would say. Sometimes God allows these hard times because through them breeds goodness! Through it all I am overjoyed but it is so hard to move on without me constantly checking the computer history and letting him drive somewhere on his own.

He has changed! God has changed him. Why can I not accept it? How do we ever let it all go? I have been reading your blogs and I would think I was reading my bio! I have been trying to cope and understand porn addiction and how it isn’t about us, it’s not that we aren’t good enough, it is an addiction! Through Him it can and it will be overcome, in Romans it says “In all things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.” Your blogs are amazing it’s nice to hear another women not sugar coating there life. None of us are perfect and it’s nice to find another imperfect women in the world!

My Response:

I love that you stayed to support him and love him through it. I know how hard that can be, especially when it’s hard to find people around you that you feel comfortable opening up to and sharing your heart with. So many women try to hide behind lies to make themselves feel better. It’s not that big of a deal. All men do it. As long as he comes home to me I’m okay with whatever he does. I look at other men too. All of those thoughts are so destructive to a marriage and they are only going to make this circle of lust/impurity continue on its cycle.

When I was going through the healing process I remember reading somewhere in a psychology book that it often takes double the time to heal to the amount of time spent in deceit. For example, if my husband spent three years hiding things behind my back, lying to me, covering up phone bills, etc., then it would take six years for me to completely heal … and that’s assuming he truly changes and makes an effort to show me that he is trustworthy.

The DNA of Relationships for Couples by Dr. Greg Smalley & Dr. Robert S. Paul is a wonderful resource. Let me share an excerpt from this that I absolutely love (about trust):

We were all created with a longing to be intimately connected to others. This connection works best when we feel completely safe. We are then able to relax, let down our guard, and just be ourselves without having to worry about being hurt, judged, ridiculed, or rejected. It is in this open, honest, and exposed state that deep intimacy truly flourishes. Much like being with someone in a beautiful garden where the weather is ideal, there is no hint of danger and you feel completely safe.

If we commit ourselves to creating an umbrella of safety over our marriage, we will have a shelter under which we can relax and openly and intimately enjoy our life together. Our relationship becomes a sanctuary, a safe harbor, a place we long to come home to.

You are trustworthy when you fully grasp how valuable and vulnerable another person is, and you treat that person accordingly. To the extent that you treat the person as precious and irreplaceable, you are trustworthy. And to the extent that you don’t, you are not.

Every one of us has a part of us just like a clay figurine: of infinite worth and value like a priceless work of art, yet easily damaged and easily devalued.

That’s a little bit from the book. My point with all of this is … it is normal for you to not be able to move on right now. I wouldn’t expect you to! Your husband has obviously changed and I am so, so thankful to hear that. But it took me almost three years of watching George change and seek true purity before I could fully trust him again. I have a post coming up soon on this blog which goes into that part of our relationship — how I couldn’t trust him when he went to a store alone to now when a thought of distrust rarely enters my mind. We have overcome this and created the sanctuary mentioned in the excerpt above.

I feel safe because my husband proved to me that I could feel safe. He stopped stepping on my heart and lying to me and showed me that he truly, truly cared about me. Now, I don’t worry when summer approaches and clothing gets skimpier, because I know that he loves me and I know I can trust him.

I think you will get there too! It’s going to take some time and effort from both of you, but you’ll get there. I still have my moments of insecurity, but it has gotten so much better. The hyper-sensitivity will go away. I promise. Keep seeking God and truth and real beauty … and hopefully your husband will do the same. I would LOVE an email from you when you feel you have truly crossed to river from shadows to light. Please keep in touch!

Hugs from afar,
Ashley

Tags: forgiveness, insecurity, trust

Your Marriage Can Be Beautiful Again

Ashley Weis

– February 10, 2012Posted in: Marriage in the Cross

If you really truly love someone, how in your right mind could you be unfaithful to them? How can a man truly love a woman and break her heart to pieces?

Let me try to shed some light and hope into these swirling negative emotions you may be going through as a woman trying to heal from her husband’s betrayal.

First, remember that women see porn/lust as betrayal/unfaithfulness. God sees it as betrayal/unfaithfulness. Men don’t always see it that way—that’s why it’s so easy for them to lust, especially before you find out. They are trained to believe it’s all “fantasy.” It’s not reality, they don’t bring it into their reality, and they live in a culture where it’s normal for women to dress sexy/sensual and for men to lust in front of their wives/girlfriends.

But … it is possible for a husband to truly love his wife, yet be grasping for air in the quicksand of lust.

He married you — not a porn star, not a Victoria’s Secret model.

You.

He knows air-brushed models aren’t real. He should know that many porn stars are abused and faking their pleasure. It’s all fake, all fantasy, all created to make some money. It’s just how this culture is. It makes women want to look like something impossible, and it makes men lust over something impossible (fantasy). It’s a great little trick the devil has going here. It gets so many people. Women spend more to look good and men spend more on some sort of lustful material. Both women and men are deteriorating their hearts by chasing after these fantasies. But love is possible in the midst.

Your husband can love you, even if he’s looking at other women. He really can. He married you for a reason. He just hasn’t always viewed this the same way you do, but hopefully now (or with time) he will see it the same way.

Your intimacy and marriage cannot be healthy, pure, and truly one until your husband learns to value you more than his addiction. And you, as the woman, must learn to see your value through God’s eyes, not the world’s.

How, once a man is fully aware of the harm of the addiction and had confessed it to you, can he relapse?

The same way we go back into thoughts of not being good enough and comparing ourselves to other women. Think about how quick and easy it is to compare yourself to a model on the cover of a magazine. Or to walk by Victoria’s Secret in the mall and for a split-second wish you could look like that. That’s why I wrote the post “Overcoming the Porn Itch.” To show that it’s just as easy for a man to lust as it is a woman to think insecure, not-good-enough thoughts. You know the harm these thoughts do to you … but you continue to have them. It’s the same thing with a man. They are breaking a horrible habit. They’re trying not to scratch an itch they’ve subconsciously scratched for many, many, many years. (George, my husband, has a post about this, coming soon.)

So, that’s how it happens. That’s how he can say you are everything to him, you are the woman he loves and wants to be with … and continue to lust. The good thing is that you are now aware of his struggle. It’s out in the open, and he knows it’s wrong (I hope!). It will take time for him to break his habit fully, even if he is better now. It will also take a lot of time for you to 1.) feel secure with him and 2.) stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself and your marriage and your husband.

This process isn’t easy. I truly think it’s one of the toughest things a marriage can go through, but I hope my words do one thing for you. I hope they show you that there’s not only beauty after rain, but that it’s possible to see beauty in the rain.

It’s possible for your marriage to one day be on the other side of this pain. To have a much stronger marriage, a much more pure intimate life than most couples in this world. Your relationship can once again bathe in the light of the hope you had when you said your wedding vows.

It’s beautiful to be on the other side of the storm, but there’s something beautiful about struggle, suffering, and commitment through tough times. Sometimes the best place to be is in the rain. I think that’s why God puts us there. It teaches us, refines us, and changes us. And then … it makes us appreciate the sunshine even more, instead of taking it for granted.

Your marriage can be beautiful again. But your husband has to be willing to cut out his eyes and receive new, pure eyes. And you have to be willing to cut out these pieces of your brain that go back into negative thought patterns, and instead, you need to focus on things that are pure and lovely.

I have hope for you.

And remember … none of us are good enough in the world’s standards. There are too many comparisons. Too many impure perceptions of things. To God … there are no rating scales. We’re all unique. We all individually radiate His glory and beauty in our own ways.

We are so caught up in wanting to be “good enough,” but what we don’t realize is that we’re not supposed to be striving for the perfection of the world, especially in our marriages. The world gives us unattainable standards so that we will chase after them forever. Instead of chasing after the wind, we love each other through our flaws, strengths, commitment, and selfless love. We love each other because we are perfect for each other, not perfect in comparison to the rest of the world. Rating scales are dangerous and depressing. Stay away from them. And it’s time to throw away the “not good enough” mentality and see ourselves through God’s eyes.

It’s normal (so, so normal) for you to go through these stages as you heal. It’s okay to have moments of “I hate him, I hate what he did.” He cheated on you, lied, and treated your marriage vows with as much importance as we treat our garbage.

You treasured him, loved him, gave him all you had … And he gave part of himself to other women—at least that’s how it feels to us.

But if he’s climbing up a ladder toward purity, you have to focus on the future or you’ll never get there with him. You’ll keep pulling him down into negative thought patterns. Remember … your marriage is a treasure—even if the devil is trying to snuff out your flames. You must always remember how much of a treasure your marriage is. Don’t let these negative thoughts ruin you or your hope.

With time … I hope you learn to see the beauty in this rain. Trust me, there is a lot of beauty in your life right now … it’s just hidden by dark clouds.

But I have hope for you. I really do.

Tags: healing

Baggage Check: What’s In There?

Ashley Weis

– February 9, 2012Posted in: General Articles, Marriage in the Cross, Your Heart

It’s so important to be honest with ourselves. So often we get married and it’s as though we’re smuggling drugs through an airport baggage check, hoping not to get caught. But it’s inevitable, we will get caught. Both husband and wife sneak poison into the marriage without even realizing it. And all of these things in our bags are packaged so beautifully, some a little more tattered than others, but underneath the mess there is one thing we are all carrying around: PRIDE.

Let’s take a closer look at our baggage so we can see how each thing eventually points us to pride.

Insecurity. I’m not just talking about women here. Yes, our womanly insecurities are obvious. But men also deal with insecurities. They often create this picture of an ideal man in their mind. He is intelligent, good with money, provides for his family, helps out at church, etc. He also, through his tainted view of beauty and women, creates a fantasy world where he is admired and wanted. He uses women to feel better about himself. And women do the same. They use others to feel better about themselves. They use the gazes of men to validate their beauty, and they use the unattractive qualities of other women to validate their flaws or say to themselves, “Well, I look better than her at least.” It’s a never-ending cycle of comparisons and judgments. A desire to live up to an unattainable worldly goal. To be something we are not. And underneath the wrapping paper of insecurity we see something loud and clear. Pride. There it is. “I want to be better than others. I want to be admired and loved by the world.”

Self-Righteousness. We pray every day, we go to church, we think we’re awesome and we think our spouses are the cow dung we shovel up every day. This may look good on the surface, but we know underneath there is one beautifully ugly thing peeking out at us. Pride. Women, we put down our husband’s for being so horrible. He lusts, he gawks at women, he won’t change no matter how many times we take our rings off and throw them at his face. He is a liar, a betrayer, a scandalous man who has hurt us time and time again. And we aren’t so bad. We are faithful Christians, right? We try our best to love him through, albeit we lose our temper and patience and don’t always treat him with gentleness. And men, you have done all this changing, all these wonderful things, and your wife is still insecure, she steal beats you down with words. But you’ve changed! You’re a better man! Why can’t she just grow up already? Men, you use women for our own self-pleasure and betray your wives, and then you think because you changed in a few weeks she should just get over it? Pride, my friends. It makes you think you are better than others when you really aren’t. It’s insecurity gone astray. It’s insecurity playing the defense.

Anger. Isn’t it interesting that Jesus says lusting over women is adultery of the mind, and anger is murder of the mind, yet we ladies like to get upset over our husband’s lust and not our own anger. Which is worse in the world’s judicial system? Murder or adultery? Which one of those often deserves an execution? But in our own pain we view adultery as worse than murder, because we are looking through our own glassy eyes. Everything is distorted when you are looking through your pain and not seeing Jesus on the other side catching your tears. Anger is the mask pain likes to wear when pain is too afraid to show its face. But pain is closer to Jesus than anger. Righteous anger is when we are angry because God has been wronged. How often do we get angry when Jesus’ name is used in vain during a movie we are watching? And how often do we get angry when our husband’s cheat or our wives continue to badger us? Think about it. Self-righteous anger comes from, low and behold, pride. Until we get angry when we hear Jesus’ name abused in our highly valued entertainment, we really should check our self-righteous anger when we are hurt.

Depression. For so many years we’ve wasted tears on unmet expectations when we could’ve been weeping our own sins. We’ve focused on not being good enough, instead of resting in Him who is good enough. We’ve focused on our worldly failings, instead of resting in our King and allow Him to transform our weaknesses. We’ve loathed suffering and embraced comfort, only to have it swept from under us and replaced with more suffering. We’ve kept thankfulness at bay, afraid to be thankful for suffering because we don’t want more of it. Martyrdom isn’t appealing. Self-sacrifice is too difficult and not worth trying. We’ve desperately tried to take care of ourselves, all these years, only to realize we don’t do a very good job at it and things are getting worse. We are depressed. And you guessed it. Depression stems from pride. “I want something and I’m not getting it.” Like a spoiled child, we refuse to look at our Father’s will as something to be thankful for, even when it hurts, and instead we complain that we aren’t getting what we want. Instead of embracing the cross, we want to skip that and get to the resurrection already. Depression stems from the pride of wanting things in this world, instead of desiring God fully and allowing Him to be enough. Instead of rest, we prefer to strive after endless goals.

All of our baggage shows our true colors. You can add any to this list and most likely at the bottom of the pretty wrapping paper you will find pride.

Do we get angry over God’s name being used in vain? Do we weep and run out of a film when we hear Jesus’ name used as a PG-13 curse word? Or are we too focused on our own pain to even realize what righteous and holy anger is? Are we too consumed in our own tears to even taste the tears of our God? To know what it’s like to be a Father who wants His children to find peace in His arms, but they keep looking to the world? Are we too wrapped up in our own pride and desires, that we can’t love our spouses selflessly? Are we always justifying our actions and blaming the other person? Are we too afraid to romance our spouses, because we are afraid we won’t measure up or get something in return? Are we withholding love because of pride?

Do we want more than we are willing to give?

Check your baggage. Get honest with yourselves. Ask your spouse to write down every last baggage they have ever noticed in your life. What have you brought to your marriage that is making it suffer instead of shine? And instead of getting angry, look at the bottom of the package to see that ugly sin called Pride staring you in the face. Then, together, realize you are both just as bad as the other and turn to God, asking Him to help you love Him more and become more like Him. To replace your ugly baggage with the light and easy yoke that is His and to find hope, rest, and freedom in the life you were called to. A life of holiness. A life that is always reaching closer to Jesus and further from the world.

Discuss this further on the forum.

Tags: forgiveness, general, God, healing, insecurity, killers, latest, marriage, tools

Why Can’t He Just Love ME?

Ashley Weis

– January 29, 2012Posted in: General Articles, Marriage in the Cross, Understanding Him

When we get sick we often desire immediate relief of the symptoms (backache, headache, fever, etc.) and we are less concerned with the illness itself in the heat of the moment. We just want the pain to go away. That’s often how we treat spiritual illnesses. We pray for God to deliver us from the symptoms, but we never address the illness itself. Let’s start with a husband whose wife just found out about his lust disease.

The Husband

Initial Diagnosis: Lustful Passions

Possible Symptoms May Include Some or All of the Following: Lying, Selfishness, Betrayal, Lack of Intimacy with Wife or Lack of Pure Intimacy with Wife, Lust and Objectification of Others, Pride, Self-Justification, Wearer of Many Masks, Self-Righteous, Angry, Controlling, Secretive, Impure, Unable to Love Wife with Whole Heart

Final Diagnosis: Pride & Self-Centeredness

Now that we have the husband’s issues laid out, let’s take a look at the woman who just found out her husband has been looking at porn:

The Wife

Initial Diagnosis: Wounded by Betrayer

Possible Symptoms May Include Some or All of the Following: Depression, Anger, Bitterness, Hopelessness, Distance from Relationships, Moody, Irritable, Hardness, Walls Around Heart, Pain, Endless Crying, Headaches, Anxiety, Nausea, Fear, Insecurity, Selfishness, Revenge, Pride, Self-Justification, Wearer of Many Masks, Self-Righteous, Angry, Controlling, Manipulative, Forceful, Unable to Love Husband through Betrayal

Final Diagnosis: Pride & Self-Centeredness

As we can see in the above diagnosis’s and symptoms, the man is the betrayer due to his lustful passion, the woman is the wounded one, and the symptoms vary, some the same, some different. What we conclude, however, is the same final diagnosis.

Now, we often run to God for immediate gratification. We want to be “healed” of our symptoms, so we seek God begging him to relieve us of our spiritual aches and pains. The depression, the lust, the insecurity, the anger. We want the symptoms gone and the problem is that we so often lack the desire to get rid of the illness itself. Pride being the root of all spiritual illnesses, yes, including depression, insecurity, lust, all of it.

So when we run to God and ask for our husbands to love us more or to heal our insecurities, what we’re really saying is, “God, can you give me some pain meds?”

And let’s just play out a fictional conversation between us and Dr. God.

“Well, Ashley… I can give you some pain medication, but you know I do have a cure for your illness, right?”

“That’s nice! What is it?”

“Well, it starts with trusting in Me. Loving Me more than the world or the things in the world or the opinion of others, and seeking Me for satisfaction.”

“I already do that. What’s next? Hurry up now, I don’t have time for this. I’m hurting so bad right now!”

“I know, sweetheart. I’ve seen you cry yourself to sleep every night. I’ve seen you fall into traps of anxiety every time your husband walks into a gas station with all those magazine covers in front of his face. I’ve seen you lock the bathroom door when you take showers so that he won’t see you without clothes. I know you’re hurting. I know it all, but I’m telling you I have a way out of this. The pain medication will only help for a few hours. You can rely on these medications to take away your pain, but underneath the medication is still an illness that needs to be treated.”

“Right… So, I already love You more than the world, what’s next?”

“If you loved Me more than the world You wouldn’t come to me only when you need relief from the pains of the world.”

“Anyway, what else is involved in your treatment process?”

“Fire.”

“What?”

“Fire. Pruning. Burning away all of those lies, sins, and passions, until you are standing in front of Me with a pure heart and utter humility.”

“Oh. The pain medication sounds fine for now.”

“Are you sure? I can take away your depression, your anxiety, your insecurity. If you have your husband come to me for healing I can also take away his desire for other women, his anger, his lying tongue. I can take every symptom away and give you a new body, completely healed.”

“That sounds impossible.”

“Nothing is impossible for Me. But I cannot force this treatment on you. It’s yours if you are willing. It may hurt a little bit to prune back some branches that are stuck in the things of this world, especially that huge trunk you have that’s stuck in what others think of you. And after the pruning it may hurt to have some of your dead branches burned away, but the pain is worth it when it comes to the end result.”

“What’s the end result?”

“Freedom, my dear.”

“Okay, well … that sounds really difficult. Right now I’d just like to take some pain medication, if that’s okay. Maybe sometime soon when I’m ready I will get the treatment.”

“As you wish. Now, can you send your husband in for Me?”

……

“Oh, Lord, please help me. My wife is driving me crazy. I’m really trying to do everything I can for her and she doesn’t believe anything I say.”

“I know. And you have been making some great surface modifications. I saw that you got rid of the TV, and you look away from magazines in stores, but you do occasionally second glance at an attractive woman still. And you have a horrible temper and natural reaction toward self-justification when your wife tries to share her heart.”

“Well, first of all, is it really possible not to notice other attractive women walking down the street? Second of all, my wife doesn’t just share her heart, she shoves daggers in my own heart! I know I don’t react the best, but that’s why I’m coming to You. I need help.”

“It’s not the noticing of attractive women that’s wrong, it’s the fact that you don’t think all humans are beautiful. You still treat women as objects of your lust because your heart hasn’t truly changed. And you haven’t come to Me for help, son, you’ve once again come to Me to get your way and move on so you can forget about your offenses.”

“No, no, I really want help this time. Whatever it takes. I’m willing.”

“Okay, well, there are 2 options. You can take some medication to temporarily relieve you from your symptoms. There are supplied by the world, so you won’t need Me for that. They are generally things like behavior modification, temporary road blocks, temporary changes, etc. Or you can seek treatment for your illness which is Pride and the symptoms will go away after you are treated.”

“Well, the treatment sounds nice. I’d like to be a better person. I can’t imagine how virtuous I’d be if I had that treatment you’re talking about.”

“Yeah, well … that’s the thing. The treatment can’t happen until you desire the treatment out of love for Me, not love for yourself and your reputation.”

“Okay… Well, I love you, Lord… so how do I get this treatment?”

“You desire it and it will come to you.”

“Well, what does it entail? Can you at least give me the scoop?”

“Lots of pruning and melting. Burning away all of those lies, sins, and passions, until you are standing in front of Me with a pure heart and utter humility.”

“Pruning and melting? Does it hurt?”

“Yes.”

“Does it hurt worse than the symptoms I already have?”

“Yes.”

“How so?”

“Because the symptoms of Pride are actually things that feel good in a sense. The symptoms of pride make us feel like victims, wounded, they are even things some people admire us for sometimes. (Oh, look at him, he loves his wife so much and she still won’t forgive him.) While these things hurt sometimes, and annoy us sometimes, they can also be heavily enjoyed by a heart in love with its illness, that is Pride. When you let go of the world and seek Me, you will be pruned of your attachments to the world, your reputation, and all of your passions you roam the earth for. The pruning wouldn’t hurt if you weren’t so attached to the things of this world, but since you are, it will take much refining to get you to a state of purity.”

“Yikes. That sounds interesting.”

“You could say that.”

“So, I can take the temporary relief every day for the rest of my life and skate by… or I can decide to go through this terrible process of coals and torches and saws and find true freedom from my illness?”

“Yes. The choice is yours. You stand before two paths. Now, you must choose.”

“Alright. Let me take the meds and I’ll come back later after I think about it.”

The Choice Is Yours

God’s Healing or The World’s Meds

Tags: general, God, healing, hope, husband, insecurity, love, marriage, pain, tools