Guest post from Stacey Oliver:
How is it possible for me to heal after hearing that my husband has been keeping his sexual sin from me for the 17 years we’ve been married? How can I possibly find hope in the midst of the healing? How will I ever trust my husband again? Will I ever be enough for him? Does God really forgive and remove sin as far as the east is from the west? Will I ever go a day without crying?
Those are a few of the many questions that raced through my mind and tormented me as I learned of my husband’s battle with sex addiction. They are also questions people have asked me.
Before you read any further, you must know that many things have helped me along this journey but ONLY by the precious, mighty, loving, gracious love God has for His children, and His work in us, can anyone heal from this or any other devastation that comes into our lives! No matter where you find yourself on your journey, God is enough! He loves you enough to rescue you because He delights in you! (Ps. 18:19)
I sit here writing this almost 17 months into my journey after my husband’s sin was exposed. I will never forget the day Greg called me to come meet him and we drove to a nearby parking lot. I was so angry as he began to share the devastating details with me. Almost instantly I thought, “I’ll never leave him, but I don’t know that I can ever get over this.”
We quickly headed over to our church where Greg served as worship pastor for 11 years to meet with two of the staff.
Before we went into the meeting, Greg said, “One day I hope you can forgive me.”
I responded, “I don’t know how, but I think God is already starting the work.”
God was already working miracles!
Before I was brought into the meeting, I sat in a room by myself for a few minutes while they talked with Greg. I sat on the couch and put my head in my hands and cried out to God. This is too big, God. I can’t do this. Instantly I felt as if God wrapped a blanket around me and said, “I am here. I’m enough and you are going to be okay.” Other than that, I didn’t know much but God gave me the grace to accept that I didn’t have to know the end — I just had to take His hand and start taking one step at a time.
In the weeks and months that followed, I cried more than I thought any person could cry. I’ve always had a temper, but never experienced such anger. The beautiful part of all the crying and screaming was that after each “episode” I felt God slowly mending my heart and I experienced a little more healing.
It was so important to grieve and let it all out. Our counselor assured me over and over that it was best for me to express everything I was feeling. Greg and I talked all day while the kids were at school and then after they went to bed. We’d stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning talking. We’d fold laundry together or clean the house while talking about things we never shared before. We both had so much in our pasts that we never talked about. I had before me a broken, repentant man who began loving and serving me in a way I’d never known. He was not defensive and answered all my questions. He showed me from the beginning that he was willing to do whatever it took to help me through the worst tragedy of my life.
Another amazing thing God did almost immediately was to allow me to see my own sin. For years God had been convicting me that I was putting Greg in the place where he didn’t belong. I sensed what God was trying to show me, and feared that one day He might take Greg away from me, but I kept looking to Greg and pushing God to the side.
I busied myself with ministry and people pleasing, hoping that it would please God. Wow, was I missing it! I had great Christian parents, grew up on the mission field, and went to Bible College so I knew better but I didn’t allow the truth to change me. I believe God finally said, “Enough,” and allowed my idol to come crashing down. I was forced to realize that only God would be faithful to me at all times. He was the only One I needed, even if everything I held dear were taken away. I believe that in acknowledging my own sin, and the ways that I’d contributed to the place where Greg and I found ourselves, I was able to begin seeing Greg the way Christ sees him and that was where the forgiveness began.
In my brokenness and desperation, God allowed me to truly seek His face. He also gave me the gift of hope that my marriage could be better than it was before. Greg and I have finally begun to experience intimacy the way God desires for a marriage. We are best friends who aren’t settling for a married life that’s more like roommates than soul mates.
There have been bumps along the way and there will continue to be. We’re human. We won’t reach perfection this side of heaven. We’ve both experienced God’s abundant grace in our lives and what we want now is to share it with others. And in sharing our story with them, it’s opened up so many opportunities to be encouraged by others, too.
I have a friend who I met in the early days of my healing. She’s been such a wonderful encourager, and is constantly sharing affirming words and Scriptures with me. One of the verses she shared with me has become one that I cling to often in light of what I’ve been through. In Isaiah 61, it says, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners…to provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” I so want to remember that truth, that about a year into our healing, I got that reference tattooed onto my ankle so that anyone who sees it (myself included) can know and remember what God has done!
