So many women ask me for a set of things I did to heal from George’s porn addiction. Or a list of ways I got over my insecurities. Lots of men also ask George, “How did you stop? How did you change?”
While there are lists of behavior modifications we can give you to show how we changed, they may not be the right tools for your heart. And even if they are, it doesn’t end there.
Throughout this process we have to modify our behaviors in order to get through this. Out of obedience and love for God, and love for our spouses, there are things we do, actions we take, to get through this. But there’s the key. We don’t just change behaviors to make our spouses stop nagging us or blaming us. We don’t change behaviors simply because we are afraid of hell or want to be the perfect Christian.
We change out of our love for God and others. Our behavior modifications don’t wither away when we don’t feel love, because the changes in us spring from our love, whether we feel it or not.
So, more than any lists of things to do, what we really need is love. We need to love God more. Love our spouses more. Love porn stars more. And consider ourselves last. Yes, there are some actions we do out of obedience, even when we don’t feel love, but it comes from our desire to love even when we don’t feel love. It’s a conscious choice to choose love when we don’t feel love. To love others when it hurts and to love God when we don’t understand why He allows certain things to happen to us.
We can ask for lists of ways to heal all we want, but underneath of these actions there needs to be love. If love isn’t the spring from which your actions come, your changes won’t last. They will be as fleeting as your emotions. But if you strive to love and choose love in all times you will find that your changes will last. They are grounded in something strong. Emotions are fleeting, but real love endures when emotions are absent.
Search your heart and ask God to show you how you can love Him more. Ask Him to show you how you can love your spouse more. Allow Him to shine His light into the darkest corners of your heart and reveal to you your pride and selfishness, and do your best to seek to love Him more. The measure of which you love God will be the measure of which you can love others. If you only love God a little, you can’t possible love others a lot. It’s from Him that the truest, lasting love flows. If you have more pride than you have love, you need to run to Jesus—the breaker of walls— and rid the pride from your life. Then … love God with all of your heart, soul, and mind, so that you can fully love those around you.
