I write this blog for other women like me. I write because I’ve tasted hope. My husband is no longer steeped in porn and lust. But that doesn’t mean I am perfect. It doesn’t mean I don’t struggle, still, to this day. I’m still so weak. There are moments when I am doing really well, but then some days, or weeks, I want to curl up and sulk like I used to.
George and I have been around very immodestly dressed women lately. Repeatedly. It’s made me realize just how much further I need to go in my own journey toward security in God and not having insecurities.
It’s so tough. It really is. Right now, this very second, as I write this … I’m struggling with the following thoughts: Will I ever be okay with my husband seeing other women who are dressed in barely nothing? Will I ever be secure when I’m dressed modestly and we’re around women who are dressed in high-fashion and immodest clothing? Will I ever be secure enough in what God thinks of me to not care about what my husband thinks?
Are these goals attainable? Some days I feel like they are. Some days I am filled with so much joy and hope that we can go around immodest women and it’s no big deal. Other days … I feel like it’s the end of the world. Thoughts of doubt and distrust start to pop back into my head. Insecurities literally feel like they are eating the life out of me. I begin to re-distance myself from my husband in some ways. And it feels like torture.
I loathe these days with passion. I’m learning to cling to God in these times, to not be so affected by what my husband sees. It’s impossible for him to not see things, but right now it feels impossible for me to not care when he does. I want to care, but in a healthy way. I want to care in a way that cares for his soul, not my own pride. It’s so tough. My body should be the only body he sees in a sexual light, but unfortunately it’s everywhere, even church. You can’t get away from it and it’s terrible. I want to be okay, but these days make me realize just how far from perfect I really am. The struggle is still there for me.
So what do you think? Do you think my goals (questions above) are attainable? Or do you think there will always be a part of us that can’t deal with our husband’s being exposed to sensually dressed women? Can we be secure enough in God that we aren’t concerned with these things?
I truly believe we can. And I’m praying that I can get there somehow.
If you are part of the forum, discuss this with me here.
