When porn rips apart a marriage it hurts. And it takes a lot longer to sew it back together then it did to tear it into shreds. Some pieces seem lost, some seem too small to ever sew back together, but they are all there and all able to create a patchy marriage that is more beautiful than the “perfect” marriage that existed before porn.
I know because I’ve had both. A marriage pre and post-porn. Post is so much better. But it takes time and a lot of effort. And one of the main things needed to truly heal is a husband who is willing to do whatever it takes to regain his woman’s trust and show her she is loved.
So, here are five things a man can do to capture her heart and trust again:
1.) Understand her heart and do whatever it takes. Last week a beautiful woman emailed me about her healing process. She mentioned her thoughts on being “pro-active” instead of “re-active.” Meaning, stop something before it happens, instead of just looking away when it does happen. I think this is so important for a man to do, and while I don’t want to give out lists of things he can do or not do, I do want to say this: Pay attention to your wife. Watch her body language. If she’s uncomfortable with something, stop doing it or get rid of it.
In the beginning, a woman’s heart can be so fragile. She may not be the type to voice a desire like, “The TV makes me uncomfortable,” but that doesn’t mean you can’t make decisions, any possible decision, to better your environment and make her feel safe. And if she is the type to tell you that something makes her uncomfortable … count that as a blessing and not her trying to control you. Listen to her heart and do your best to make her feel safe again.
Over time she may become more comfortable with certain things, but in the beginning it’s so important to listen to her heart and do whatever you can to make her feel safe. Remember, you want to prove your trust and love. By focusing on your own needs and desires in this time you are not going to prove anything except that she can’t trust you with her heart yet.
2.) Stop defending yourself. So many men email George (if you are a man, you can use the contact form here, but I will not respond to men — those emails will be forwarded to my husband) and their emails are filled with “me” or “I” or “she just doesn’t get it.” They are so focused on themselves. Believe me, I know this is on the woman’s side too and that doesn’t make it okay for her, but she’s the wounded one. She is the one who has been betrayed and feels like her marriage and romance were never real. She doesn’t know who she married anymore. But she wants this to work. That’s why the rings are still on her finger. So, instead of defending yourself, defend your marriage.
Instead of using the words “I” or “me” so much, try to search her heart. How do you feel? Did that upset you? What can I do to make you feel more comfortable or loved?
Focus on her needs more than your own. (Women, you should be doing the same thing.)
3.) Give her time. Her healing process can take years. Like I said, it takes much longer to sew a marriage back together than it does to rip it apart. Your battle with lust may dramatically improve within a few months, but it may take her years to trust you again. It may take her years to stop thinking of other women when you make love. And it make take her years to stop freaking out when you happen to see (not lust, just see) a provocative woman/image in public. Give her the time she needs and be sensitive to her healing heart. If you are focused on yourself and expect her to heal overnight you are only going to prolong the process and rip her even more. Help her sow the pieces back together and allow her all the time she needs without pressuring her to hurry up and heal.
4.) Actively love her more. Your efforts may seem pointless. You can make her dinner and she might get up and walk away. You can offer to massage her and she may deny you. You can do tons of things to show her that you love her and she may not receive it. But I say this … love her anyway, actively. Start a journal of things she likes and dislikes. Make sure to write down every little thing she ever says she wants. That dress at Target? Go buy it on a random day. Does she love wild flowers? Send them to her. Does she need a break from the kids? Set up a night for her and a friend to go out and watch the kids. Actively love her no matter how it is received. Over time if you are truly recovering and changing your own heart … her heart will change and she will receive these beautiful gestures of love.
5.) Most Important. I’ve saved this for last because some people may stop reading when I mention this, but it is the most important key to healing for both of you. Love God more. Ponder things of God more. And strip the world from your life. In the Bible James defines true religion as caring for the widows and orphans, but don’t forget the end of the sentence … “keep yourself untainted from the world.”
The more you love God, I’m telling you, your marriage will shine. Both of you. To love God more is to love each other more. You need this to be woven through every other thing I’ve listed here or your efforts will eventually fail. A changed heart is really what you are both looking for. The husband must seek purity, the wife must seek her validation and beauty in God alone. Through both of these true heart changes … your marriage will change, it will shine, it will seep with the love of God and overflow into the lives of your children and everyone around you.
So, bottom line is this … love God and lay your lives down for others, especially your spouses.
